I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I had an amazing sober new years. The first since I was about 15! And guess what - I actually really enjoyed myself! Perhaps more than if I were drinking... usually I'd be at a party and drunk and at some points, even though I was drunk, I would still feel alone even with all those people around me. I mean it's usually dark, and everyone's drinking and laughing and talking and sometimes it would be just me wandering (staggering?) from room to room and not even truly conversing. Just me and my drunk aloneness... the countdown would be so epic, but I'd always have a pang of loneliness at that point. Sure, sometimes I might get a new years kiss but it'd usually be with another lonely drunk person who I'd never see again (or never have a romantic thing with, if were were already acquaintances or something)
I do know that if I had gone to the party last night, there would have been someone who liked me who would kiss me at midnight (plus the drunken texts at midnight helped to know this!! And previous info) but I wouldn't have wanted to really start anything with this person - I would have been leading them on in my drunkeness, and then have to explain things the next day (or the next week if I'm really avoidant) - yeah unfortunately this has happened before - I always seem more sober than I am so I guess I have lead people on this way..
But anyway!! This year none of that lonely drunk slobbery sad stuff happened!!! I had my own amazing, sparkly night. And there were actually three other people in my castle at midnight, and I did spend the countdown with them. Two of them were kind of old, lol, but the other one I had a blast with for the short time they were there.... we were acting giggly drunk but so were not (they were a DD that night) so........ after midnight I went back to my cave and enjoyed the rest of the night.
I really didn't feel bad at all!! What I'm trying to say is, I've had a happier new years than most other years where I had been drinking!!! I never thought that was possible - but it is!!
Now I'm drinking some delicious coffee, and my head is clear - just like it was last night - and I don't have to feel sick, miserable, worried/panicked about what happened last night, guilty, etc. I feel great!! Like I want to have some pancakes and sausage and go for a walk (if it's not too cold out!)
I think it did help that I was in a more positive headspace/my depression has lifted for the last few weeks... so I really was able to enjoy myself. But then if I think about it - if I was in a negative headspace/depressed before I drank, I would be a crying blubbering lonely idiot probably, if I drank, and I would drink even MORE so would feel even MORE sick and guilty today. Thank goodness that I am ok.
Ok so if anyone out there is worried about spending future new years or other things sober, know that it's possible to be sober and have a good time. I think what helped was me NOT trying to recreate a big new years party at home. I tried for some new traditions, while only keeping the elements of what I loved. I'm excited because next year I will try to add some more traditions into there. I can be as creative as I want!
