Full of hate and rage - happy holidays!
My AXBF has been gone for 2 months now. It's been a couple of weeks since his mom found him on the streets where he was just fine and enjoying his junkie lifestyle. Ever since then I have been filled with so much hatred and rage towards him. Not all the time because he no longer occupies my mind all of the time and I have actually been feeling a lot better for the most part. But whenever I do think of him I seriously become so angry that it scares me. Like, nothing else has ever made me this enraged before and I can feel my heart rate increasing and my blood boiling. Any compassion I had for him, or addicts in general, has been turned into anger and detestation.
Why keep dating me when all you wanted to do was get high all the time?! You want to use drugs everyday? Fine go ahead, leave me out of it!!!! Why did you claim you wanted to get clean when you didn't? Why scam me into thinking you're someone you're not? I just don't see why addicts need to involve other people in their problems. It's not like I was giving my AXBF money or drugs or supporting his addiction AT ALL. I kicked him out of the house, I provided nothing that would help sustain his drug use. It is so crystal clear to me now that he absolutely did not give a **** about me or anyone / anything else, so why bother pretending? I can understand lying to parents, spouses, or employers, but why your gf? Or your friends? We don't need to be in your life!
I realize I am going through the motions but the amount of anger I have been feeling has been so burdening to me. And I know some people might say, well then stop being so angry. OK, I would like to but I cannot simply turn it off. I continue to go to Nar-Anon and see my counselor. I'm not sure what else I can do, if anything. I have tried a couple of meditation sessions. They help temporarily (like a couple of hours). I pray - that also only provides temporary relief (minutes). Any suggestions on how you dealt with feelings of anger and hatred toward your ALO?