Full of hate and rage - happy holidays!

Old 12-22-2014, 02:12 PM
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Full of hate and rage - happy holidays!

My AXBF has been gone for 2 months now. It's been a couple of weeks since his mom found him on the streets where he was just fine and enjoying his junkie lifestyle. Ever since then I have been filled with so much hatred and rage towards him. Not all the time because he no longer occupies my mind all of the time and I have actually been feeling a lot better for the most part. But whenever I do think of him I seriously become so angry that it scares me. Like, nothing else has ever made me this enraged before and I can feel my heart rate increasing and my blood boiling. Any compassion I had for him, or addicts in general, has been turned into anger and detestation.

Why keep dating me when all you wanted to do was get high all the time?! You want to use drugs everyday? Fine go ahead, leave me out of it!!!! Why did you claim you wanted to get clean when you didn't? Why scam me into thinking you're someone you're not? I just don't see why addicts need to involve other people in their problems. It's not like I was giving my AXBF money or drugs or supporting his addiction AT ALL. I kicked him out of the house, I provided nothing that would help sustain his drug use. It is so crystal clear to me now that he absolutely did not give a **** about me or anyone / anything else, so why bother pretending? I can understand lying to parents, spouses, or employers, but why your gf? Or your friends? We don't need to be in your life!

I realize I am going through the motions but the amount of anger I have been feeling has been so burdening to me. And I know some people might say, well then stop being so angry. OK, I would like to but I cannot simply turn it off. I continue to go to Nar-Anon and see my counselor. I'm not sure what else I can do, if anything. I have tried a couple of meditation sessions. They help temporarily (like a couple of hours). I pray - that also only provides temporary relief (minutes). Any suggestions on how you dealt with feelings of anger and hatred toward your ALO?
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Old 12-22-2014, 03:32 PM
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Glad you are going to Nar-Anon and doing the rest--doing similar things...and for me it takes work to get through strong emotions...and am trying to learn some crisis responses that will not trigger my negative emotions ending up lashing out and reactive. It is going to take me some practice...and I expect that you are going through very strong emotions...Sounds like you are doing a lot to handle it.
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Old 12-22-2014, 04:44 PM
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I remember that all consuming anger. It was like this rage that took over my whole life. I used to call my anger beast. It started out with anger towards my AXBF but before I knew it, it had spilled over into my entire life. The most effective thing I found to deal with these episodes of rage? Exercise. I made a playlist with the angriest music I could find and would run or walk until my body was just too tired to be angry or hurt anymore. The only thing I coule focus on by the end would be my breathing and my muscles. You may want to give it a shot. Wishing you the best and hoping you can find some peace this holiday season.
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Old 12-22-2014, 05:54 PM
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This might sound crazy... But some days I WELCOME the anger...it masks the hurt...I think it's "louder" and gives me a break from the heartache and despair. I know...strange...
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Old 12-22-2014, 07:33 PM
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I hear you Whitewing. Not strange at all and I used to feel the same. But now this anger is much stronger than any I felt before and it is not welcome. Having felt total heartache and despair as well, I'm not quite sure which is the lesser of two evils. I would like to feel indifferent about the whole thing!! Tonight I had dinner with a friend of mine and she was telling me about a couple of guys she met online and has either gone out with or is still chatting with. I am so jaded right now I thought they all sounded like lying sacks of sh*t lol.
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:01 PM
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There's love, there's hate...........and then there is indifference.

Two of these are active engagement modes------the third is along the
lines of "What was your name again? And why are you calling me?"
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:03 PM
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:04 PM
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Old 12-23-2014, 05:03 AM
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sometimes I experience periods of "indifference"....usually following the anger.

I often wonder if it is truly a "healthy" indifference, or is it simply a moment of denial that lulls me into believing I am experiencing indifference??
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Old 12-27-2014, 04:04 AM
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Anger is a secondary emotion it covers either hurt or fear or both. It is also an emotion attached to grieving. Let yourself be angry it will pass..try writing a letter to your ex and not send it ..destroy it afterwards
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Old 12-28-2014, 09:00 PM
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Remember...anger is part of grieving. Keep moving forward....
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