FlippedRHalo

I've had a few days without any texts from my ex and I've done so much thinking without the cloud of his stress contorting my mind.

I also had a long conversation with a close friend today, who had to pretty much back out of our friendship while my ex and I were together because he seriously disliked her and made it nearly impossible for her and I to be friends.

I thought he was so great. I thought things were so good, except for the drinking. They weren't. At all. I've realized how passive aggressively controlling he was now and it really bothers me. I was always under the impression that I had most of the control, because well, he was an alcoholic and wasn't in control of even himself, but I was fooling myself. In all reality, he was controlling the situation. Not in an overtly controlling way, but by his actions which caused my reactions.

My friend said to me today that she really wanted to walk completely away more than once because she couldn't stand to see what was happening (I couldn't have blamed her if she did) and how he was trying to separate us, but she was afraid to because there was something very off about him that made her extremely uncomfortable and she worried greatly for my daughter and I. That really stopped me in my tracks. He did seem extremely emotionally distant at times, almost in another world he was so cut off from life, that it was odd, but never frightened me. He's said some off things while drinking at times, but nothing that would make me really concerned. She said she couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what, but there was something that made her extremely uncomfortable.

She's heard him tell me that if it weren't for me, he would have probably died, that I was like an angel that saved his life and how he'd kill himself if I ever left him. Not sure if that's what has her so unsettled or what, but to think back on that really angers me, especially with him knowing that one of my good friends growing up committed suicide and that just the word sends me into a tailspin of anxiety. I know it was just a way to keep me hooked, as he's obviously fine now without me, but it did keep me from making the decision for a long time.

I'm just amazed at this point to think that I once thought we had it all, minus the drinking part. I'm starting to see the immaturity, the way he would come home with presents when he screwed up thinking that was all it would take to make it up to me, the deceit, the lies, all of it. I put so much in for that? Wow, just wow.

When things were getting really bad right before I asked him to leave, he came home from work with the Christmas gift I'd asked for in his hands. I ignored it. He left it on the kitchen counter for the entire night. I ignored it. I guess that was supposed to make me stop being angry, because he went out of his way and got me what I asked for. It's all so clear now.... and sad. Is that really how they think? I was going to forget all that had happened just because he got me the gift I'd wanted for Christmas? It was weeks before Christmas and it angered me that instead of getting it because it was sweet and hiding it until Christmas, he just flaunted it like it should have been his get out of jail free card. How shallow.

There's just so much that I tried not to think about that is all coming out now. I guess it's good in a way, but I hate thinking about all of this and realizing that most of it was just a ploy and sad control tactics.

Just needed to get that out as the thoughts were coming to me -- I apologize if it's jumbled. Jumbled thoughts, jumbled writing. :/