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I can't believe I was so blind

Old 12-17-2014, 08:12 PM
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I can't believe I was so blind

I've had a few days without any texts from my ex and I've done so much thinking without the cloud of his stress contorting my mind.

I also had a long conversation with a close friend today, who had to pretty much back out of our friendship while my ex and I were together because he seriously disliked her and made it nearly impossible for her and I to be friends.

I thought he was so great. I thought things were so good, except for the drinking. They weren't. At all. I've realized how passive aggressively controlling he was now and it really bothers me. I was always under the impression that I had most of the control, because well, he was an alcoholic and wasn't in control of even himself, but I was fooling myself. In all reality, he was controlling the situation. Not in an overtly controlling way, but by his actions which caused my reactions.

My friend said to me today that she really wanted to walk completely away more than once because she couldn't stand to see what was happening (I couldn't have blamed her if she did) and how he was trying to separate us, but she was afraid to because there was something very off about him that made her extremely uncomfortable and she worried greatly for my daughter and I. That really stopped me in my tracks. He did seem extremely emotionally distant at times, almost in another world he was so cut off from life, that it was odd, but never frightened me. He's said some off things while drinking at times, but nothing that would make me really concerned. She said she couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what, but there was something that made her extremely uncomfortable.

She's heard him tell me that if it weren't for me, he would have probably died, that I was like an angel that saved his life and how he'd kill himself if I ever left him. Not sure if that's what has her so unsettled or what, but to think back on that really angers me, especially with him knowing that one of my good friends growing up committed suicide and that just the word sends me into a tailspin of anxiety. I know it was just a way to keep me hooked, as he's obviously fine now without me, but it did keep me from making the decision for a long time.

I'm just amazed at this point to think that I once thought we had it all, minus the drinking part. I'm starting to see the immaturity, the way he would come home with presents when he screwed up thinking that was all it would take to make it up to me, the deceit, the lies, all of it. I put so much in for that? Wow, just wow.

When things were getting really bad right before I asked him to leave, he came home from work with the Christmas gift I'd asked for in his hands. I ignored it. He left it on the kitchen counter for the entire night. I ignored it. I guess that was supposed to make me stop being angry, because he went out of his way and got me what I asked for. It's all so clear now.... and sad. Is that really how they think? I was going to forget all that had happened just because he got me the gift I'd wanted for Christmas? It was weeks before Christmas and it angered me that instead of getting it because it was sweet and hiding it until Christmas, he just flaunted it like it should have been his get out of jail free card. How shallow.

There's just so much that I tried not to think about that is all coming out now. I guess it's good in a way, but I hate thinking about all of this and realizing that most of it was just a ploy and sad control tactics.

Just needed to get that out as the thoughts were coming to me -- I apologize if it's jumbled. Jumbled thoughts, jumbled writing. :/
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Old 12-17-2014, 08:19 PM
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Nothing to apologize for. You are going through a lot. Everything is jumbled in life right now. It is tough. Take one moment at a time. It makes things not seem as overwhelming.
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Old 12-17-2014, 09:08 PM
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Its not jumbled at all. I'm just so happy for you that your mind is seeing things so clearly; that you are being given confirmation in seeing things clearly. That's great that you are and that you're putting the proper label on what it is and put it on its proper shelf.
I hate an A tries to buy back being in your good graces. Its so tacky.
You're doing good...keep up the good work on yourself! HUGS.
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Old 12-17-2014, 09:27 PM
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No worries about feeling jumbled. Having an alkie in my life was a life jumbling experience. Jumble all you want, we all understand.

Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
... I can't believe I was so blind...
That's pretty much the way I feel.

Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
... Is that really how they think? ...
I can't say about anybody else's, but mind sure did think that way.

Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
... I put so much in for that? ...
Yup, you are describing my feelings right there. The good news is that now I can put in all that and more for _me_. Make up for lost time, and one of these days find somebody _normal_ to hook up with.

As the others have said, it sounds to me like you are "recovering" just fine.

Mike
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Old 12-18-2014, 06:18 AM
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Welcome to the club. It sucks.
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Old 12-18-2014, 06:18 AM
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Flipped....often, we can't see the whole picture with clarity until we view it from a distance.
Sort of looking at a valley from the top of a mountain--we can see the things that were impossible when we were standing in the middle of the valley, itself.

dandylion
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Old 12-18-2014, 06:26 AM
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If you've learned something about yourself to make better choices for you and your daughter in the future, you haven't walked away with nothing in my book
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Old 12-18-2014, 07:01 AM
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It's amazing what you see when your thinking clears and you get out from under the dysfunction.

And it's amazing what seeing other people's reaction to your story does. For me, when I started talking about how AXH had treated me and the kids, when I saw the shock in other people's reactions, I realized that somewhere, I had known. Somewhere underneath all the dysfunction, I did know that this relationship wasn't healthy. I was just to enmeshed and scared to allow that thought to surface as long as I was still in the relationship.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:03 AM
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I've just come out of a relationship with someone who was abusing alcohol. I was so happy and in love with him, but as soon as he left it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, the house felt peaceful, and suddenly I had more energy and time for the kids & think I am a better mother now.
Re alcoholics trying to buy forgiveness- haha I wish!! ;-) Mine was so rubbish I had to actually explain and instruct him on when flowers might be a useful gesture :S
Now I just have to put up with him from a distance, feeling sorry for himself and trying to guilt trip me into having him back. Not a chance!
I also thought I was really happy "except for the alcohol"...I can now see it was a toxic, borderline abusive relationship. I too feel like I can think clearly when I don't hear from him for a couple of days. I know how it feels :-/
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:18 AM
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I couldnt agree more Ladies.... 50 days since my divorce. Still sad but I am doing ok. I get sad over things, going out tonight for a fancy event and have no wedding ring to wear... and so on. But besides that he dragged me down with his disease and I was as sick as him. I just couldn't move away from it as I was so entwined.

Maybe he will get sober and work a program, but at least I don't have to live with his crisis every day.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
I couldnt agree more Ladies.... 50 days since my divorce. Still sad but I am doing ok. I get sad over things, going out tonight for a fancy event and have no wedding ring to wear... and so on.
Man I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. When my ex after a 3 year long bitter process finally signed off on the court ordered settlement, I couldn't go out and celebrate fast enough.

I guess I went through my grieving, failure mode somewhere after the start of the process took hold. But after you write checks for thousands, get stalled at every turn, watch her destroy possessions and stalk your every moves, you start to want that to be OVER.
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Old 12-18-2014, 12:50 PM
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Tight Hugs. I completely get it. I thought for sure my X was suicidal when we split. He definitely has mental and addiction issues. Surprise, he is on his own and living just fine. I really kept myself hostage for quite a long time out of fear.

XXX
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Old 12-18-2014, 02:37 PM
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I was actually terrified that he'd hurt himself if I left him, which kept me there a little longer than I should have been. He's just fine as far as I know. I think it was another tactic to keep me where he wanted me. An extremely unfair tactic that I don't think I deserved.

So much about our relationship leaves me utterly mind boggled and confused. I try not to figure things out, but it's hard for me. I know that I'll never make sense of things that make absolutely no sense, but it's impossible for me not to try. I'm terrified of walking into another situation like the one I just ran from.

On a happier note, I'm FINALLY starting to feel the Christmas spirit! I was concerned that with all that's happened this past month, it would be a tough holiday, but no, I'm anxiously awaiting Christmas fun!
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Old 12-18-2014, 02:46 PM
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My AXH used to threaten suicide and that kind of stuff if I left. I finally got smart and said if you threaten that again I will call 911. He blustered around for a while but I just said, I am not equipped to handle this kind of mental illness so I will let the professionals handle it. I left him shortly after that but it did stop the threats.
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Old 12-18-2014, 02:51 PM
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My XAGF mentioned suicide once. I immediately called 911. That took care of itself from that point on. She is still alive. Amazing how that works.
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