Originally Posted by
OmoRose 
Ah vodka....so many people at the last turn to that. It's overall cheap and very swift shot to inebriation.
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!