Quitting Vodka
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Quitting Vodka
I'm sure I've reached a point in my life in which I do not wanna partake in drinking any longer. I hate being the wreck of a person I turn into when I'm drunk. That person is mostly a rage filled, emotionally unstable person that is totally out of character for the person I aspire to be when in an un-drunken state. I am done with the blackouts, the tiring hangovers, headaches, the guilt, the anxiety and next day depression. I say things I later regret, to the people I care most about. Which is probably the most embarrassing behavior that I commit when drunk. To avoid this I mostly drink alone and furtively. I have been drinking this way for more than a year and I'm feeling burned out by this way of "relaxing". I have a desire to quit the bottle. But one thing that gets to me is that I pretty much do not know what to replace drinking with. I've been drinking for such a long time that I feel like I'm betraying the bottle. I know it sounds stupid, but I have grown loyal to that illogical thought process. Well, hope someone out there could give me some productive advice. I mean, I don't even know where to begin to quit drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Hi there Reason, I'm sorry you're struggling. Have you been to treatment or AA or spoken to your doctor (or anyone) about this? There are so many resources out there to help you.
Praying for you!!! AA has really been working for me & the people are so caring & supportive. I go to one meeting a day right now & it's like my "medicine". Would you consider going to a few mtgs & giving it a real shot?
Praying for you!!! AA has really been working for me & the people are so caring & supportive. I go to one meeting a day right now & it's like my "medicine". Would you consider going to a few mtgs & giving it a real shot?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: CHICAGO
Posts: 28
Seeking Help
@Serenidad I have not sought out help. I have heard of AA and have heard of people's stories of recovery, mainly from the TV program Intervention. I sometimes wish I could be one of those people that makes it. I am tempted on going to an AA meeting, I know there's hundreds in Chicago, but I fear being judged. That and I have seen through various media that one has to speak in front of people. Which totally freaks me out. But I am open to change because I really don't wanna waste anymore time contemplating why it always seems that I am starting over. I think it's because alcohol n/dumbs me down to a point that it seems life is passing me by, and I'm just laying on the couch too tired and irritated due to the previous night's binger.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by ChgoReason 
I'm sure I've reached a point in my life in which I do not wanna partake in drinking any longer. I hate being the wreck of a person I turn into when I'm drunk. That person is mostly a rage filled, emotionally unstable person that is totally out of character for the person I aspire to be when in an un-drunken state. I am done with the blackouts, the tiring hangovers, headaches, the guilt, the anxiety and next day depression. I say things I later regret, to the people I care most about. Which is probably the most embarrassing behavior that I commit when drunk. To avoid this I mostly drink alone and furtively. I have been drinking this way for more than a year and I'm feeling burned out by this way of "relaxing". I have a desire to quit the bottle. But one thing that gets to me is that I pretty much do not know what to replace drinking with. I've been drinking for such a long time that I feel like I'm betraying the bottle. I know it sounds stupid, but I have grown loyal to that illogical thought process. Well, hope someone out there could give me some productive advice. I mean, I don't even know where to begin to quit drinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome ChigoReason 
I grew very comfortable with my dysfunction. It was quite a nightmarish existence but I knew the parameters intimately.
My drinking defined me - I wondered, seriously, if there would be enough of me to make a person if I took the booze away....
What I found was I'd completely forgotten a me that existed before the booze and drugs.
I've really enjoyed rediscovering that person.
I know you will too, CR
you've given drinking a lot of years - give recovery a chance now
I won't lie - the early days are rough - but you're not alone
you won't regret it
D
I grew very comfortable with my dysfunction. It was quite a nightmarish existence but I knew the parameters intimately.
My drinking defined me - I wondered, seriously, if there would be enough of me to make a person if I took the booze away....
What I found was I'd completely forgotten a me that existed before the booze and drugs.
I've really enjoyed rediscovering that person.
I know you will too, CR
you've given drinking a lot of years - give recovery a chance now
I won't lie - the early days are rough - but you're not alone
you won't regret it
D
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
Ah vodka....so many people at the last turn to that. It's overall cheap and very swift shot to inebriation.
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: CHICAGO
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi
I started drinking alone to avoid my embarassing antics too. Except it just moved on to texting...
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by OmoRose
Ah vodka....so many people at the last turn to that. It's overall cheap and very swift shot to inebriation.
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by ChgoReason
It's funny you mention texting while under the influence, because I disabled my FB account a while ago, due to my drunken rants. My previous behavior on FB has morphed into tirades against people through text messages. I now find myself waking up to wiping out my text boxes on my phone before I could remember anything, or read anything, and hope I wasn't too insensitive in my messages. I've trashed a lot of friendships like this, which totally sucks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: CHICAGO
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome ChigoReason
I grew very comfortable with my dysfunction. It was quite a nightmarish existence but I knew the parameters intimately.
My drinking defined me - I wondered, seriously, if there would be enough of me to make a person if I took the booze away....
What I found was I'd completely forgotten a me that existed before the booze and drugs.
I've really enjoyed rediscovering that person.
I know you will too, CR
you've given drinking a lot of years - give recovery a chance now
I won't lie - the early days are rough - but you're not alone
you won't regret it
D
I grew very comfortable with my dysfunction. It was quite a nightmarish existence but I knew the parameters intimately.
My drinking defined me - I wondered, seriously, if there would be enough of me to make a person if I took the booze away....
What I found was I'd completely forgotten a me that existed before the booze and drugs.
I've really enjoyed rediscovering that person.
I know you will too, CR
you've given drinking a lot of years - give recovery a chance now
I won't lie - the early days are rough - but you're not alone
you won't regret it
D
Thanks for the advice and the welcome.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
You describe your loyalty to drinking and to the thought process that keeps you connected to it. What helped me early on with that was AVRT, learning to separate myself from the thought process. I still find it very helpful. You'll see a lot of references to the AV on here. That's what they're talking about. Just something to consider. I wish you the best in your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: California
Posts: 112
Hi ChgoReason -- welcome to this wealth of support and good vibes.
You can do this & everyone here will do what they can to help
Dee74 ~I really like when you said
"I wondered, seriously, if there would be enough of me to make a person
if I took the booze away...."
Jsbodhi -- the reading of the texts would always make me cringe in the morning. before I looked at my phone I would hope I hadn't written anything but I almost always did.
& OmoRose ~ your comment "feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame." very well stated .... I have felt that way too many times
You can do this & everyone here will do what they can to help
Dee74 ~I really like when you said
"I wondered, seriously, if there would be enough of me to make a person
if I took the booze away...."
Jsbodhi -- the reading of the texts would always make me cringe in the morning. before I looked at my phone I would hope I hadn't written anything but I almost always did.
& OmoRose ~ your comment "feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame." very well stated .... I have felt that way too many times
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: CHICAGO
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by OmoRose
Ah vodka....so many people at the last turn to that. It's overall cheap and very swift shot to inebriation.
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!
My drink of choice was 90proof peppermint schnapps. Still swift, but hey sweet, so not so bad. Yeah right, no difference at all. A sugar coated bullet.
I was a closet drinker too. You never saw me walking around with a drink in my hand, oh no. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and that was my drinking lair. I had empty schnapps bottles spilling out of the cubby under my sink, and lining the counter all over.
A mean, raging drunk I was too. There really was only one person I did this to though, my significant other. I never did that to my son or anyone else, thank you God, but what I did to my sweetheart was reprehensible. My guilt was enormous. I hated even thinking of myself in first person anymore. Life was like movie reel, I could see it, hear it, act my part, but I wasn't really involved. Too difficult; better to go through the motions until I could huddle away and take that first big gulp of sickly sweet alcohol. Then nothing mattered, the haziness was bliss.
Last Sunday I woke up, after a very drunken two days, and realized I'd done it yet again. Abusive rage the day before. I never understood what it meant, that moment of clarity, but it hit me full the moment I woke up. I joined here that day.
You want to stop, but you don't want to have to give up your vodka. You can't have both. You can't. You can't control it or you wouldn't be here. I understand fully well what it's like to be a mean drunk, and the next day, feel like you want to crawl into a hole and pull the earth over your shame.
Find support in whatever form it takes. These forums have been a godsend to me. Everyone is different in what will help and guide them. The first thing you must do though, is to make that decision to abandon the bottle. The only things that are deserving of your care and attention are your loved ones and Yourself.
Stay strong, stay focused. Let yourself heal. It's almost an insane thought that you can do this right now where you are mentally, I get that, but you can. By being here, you're already beginning.
And I can't forget to say Welcome!
Your story is quite similar to how I acted while on vodka. I was horrendous to my partner; regrettably, my outcome with my partner turned out different than yours. This past summer after nine years of me being drunk half of the time, and volatile emotions with my partner, I found myself single. With that, my drinking has only grown. But, I know that I'm ready for that change, to not feel ashamed and guilty all the time.
Thanks again.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi
Mean raging drunk to my partner as well. Something from the depths of hell emerges.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
I went to AA regularly for abut 6 months. Decided it wasn't for me, but I'll let you know you don't have to speak. I only spoke once in that entire time, and it was my choice and was for about 15 seconds! No one bothered me about it.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,966
rational recovery
life ring
smart
avrt
women for sobriety
all have their own websites.
maybe start with writing a Goodbye Letter to Alcohol as a start and then pick a method and start working it. sobriety is action.
I am glad you found SR and wish you well on your recovery!
life ring
smart
avrt
women for sobriety
all have their own websites.
maybe start with writing a Goodbye Letter to Alcohol as a start and then pick a method and start working it. sobriety is action.
I am glad you found SR and wish you well on your recovery!
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