The tears came....and aren't stopping. Emotional wreck.
I went to my messages to erase all of his texts and saw that he sent another after the initial explosion last night.
It said: Please leave me in peace and let me start getting my life together.
I just erased it and tried not to think about it, but, it's been tearing me up all day and finally came to a head about an hour ago. Cue non-stop tears, the whys, the how could he's, etc...
I just can't stop sobbing - like those gut-wrenching, painful, non-stop flow of tears kind of tears. I hate crying and try SO HARD not to, but I can't stop them tonight. It hurts so bad. It hurts and I just want it all to stop. How much more can I let myself be tortured? I ended our relationship because I had to, I didn't want to, but I had to. It was my choice, it was the right and only choice, so WHY does it hurt so bad, why am I an emotional disaster right now? My daughter is with my mom and instead of enjoying a peaceful night, I'm doing this to myself.
Leave him in peace and let him start getting his life together? Wow. When the hell do I get some peace from this pain? When does my pain end and when does my life get back together after this disaster called alcoholism? I never once contacted him after he left. Not one single time. Every text was from him, asking one stupid question after another. Leave him in peace?? Good God! What a complete smack in the face - and he just keeps smacking. I was so good to him, so damn decent about it all, when we were together and through the break up and he just wants to keep hurting me. I just don't understand why and I'm having such a hard time moving past this. I get a few steps ahead and then wham, there he is and there I go, back 10 steps from the 2 steps forward that I took. It's just feels so cruel and unfair.
At this point, after saying that I know how much he loved me, I'm really second guessing that and that is so brutally painful. I couldn't ever do this to someone I loved. I cared about him and I couldn't think of any other way to be except gentle and kind when I knew that it was over. I never wanted us to go somewhere horrible like this and I wanted him to hurt as little as was humanly possible during this. But what the hell? Leave him in peace?
I feel sick to my stomach. Literally just sick, hurt and wondering if this pain is ever going to end. He's blocked now, but why did I have to see that last text? God, why?
At this moment, it feels like I'm never going to get through this hell. I know I will, but it's like our entire relationship as I thought I knew it is now destroyed and something completely different and it's really throwing me for one hell of a loop.