The tears came....and aren't stopping. Emotional wreck.

Old 12-13-2014, 05:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
The tears came....and aren't stopping. Emotional wreck.

I went to my messages to erase all of his texts and saw that he sent another after the initial explosion last night.

It said: Please leave me in peace and let me start getting my life together.

I just erased it and tried not to think about it, but, it's been tearing me up all day and finally came to a head about an hour ago. Cue non-stop tears, the whys, the how could he's, etc...

I just can't stop sobbing - like those gut-wrenching, painful, non-stop flow of tears kind of tears. I hate crying and try SO HARD not to, but I can't stop them tonight. It hurts so bad. It hurts and I just want it all to stop. How much more can I let myself be tortured? I ended our relationship because I had to, I didn't want to, but I had to. It was my choice, it was the right and only choice, so WHY does it hurt so bad, why am I an emotional disaster right now? My daughter is with my mom and instead of enjoying a peaceful night, I'm doing this to myself.

Leave him in peace and let him start getting his life together? Wow. When the hell do I get some peace from this pain? When does my pain end and when does my life get back together after this disaster called alcoholism? I never once contacted him after he left. Not one single time. Every text was from him, asking one stupid question after another. Leave him in peace?? Good God! What a complete smack in the face - and he just keeps smacking. I was so good to him, so damn decent about it all, when we were together and through the break up and he just wants to keep hurting me. I just don't understand why and I'm having such a hard time moving past this. I get a few steps ahead and then wham, there he is and there I go, back 10 steps from the 2 steps forward that I took. It's just feels so cruel and unfair.

At this point, after saying that I know how much he loved me, I'm really second guessing that and that is so brutally painful. I couldn't ever do this to someone I loved. I cared about him and I couldn't think of any other way to be except gentle and kind when I knew that it was over. I never wanted us to go somewhere horrible like this and I wanted him to hurt as little as was humanly possible during this. But what the hell? Leave him in peace?

I feel sick to my stomach. Literally just sick, hurt and wondering if this pain is ever going to end. He's blocked now, but why did I have to see that last text? God, why?

At this moment, it feels like I'm never going to get through this hell. I know I will, but it's like our entire relationship as I thought I knew it is now destroyed and something completely different and it's really throwing me for one hell of a loop.
FlippedRHalo is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 05:35 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Someone please tell me that he's just very sick and isn't trying, willingly, to destroy me. Please tell me that? Please tell me that he's sick and can't help this and isn't enjoying knowing that he's hurting me so much? This is not the man that I lived with, loved and was going to marry. I know it isn't. I don't know this person at all.
FlippedRHalo is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 05:40 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I seriously, seriously doubt that he is that malicious. Is he trying to wound you a little? Probably. He's hurt so he's hurting back. People do that. Sick people are more likely to do it without thinking through whether it's fair, or how it is really affecting someone else.

And he's also trying to turn it around, to change the story in his head to soothe himself. It isn't right, it isn't fair, but the very best thing you can do is what you've already done. Don't give him a forum to say these things to you.

Hugs, I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. But just remember, it doesn't mean that much. It's a sick person, flailing.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 05:45 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
Dear Halo
I am sorry you are hurting so much. Just want to offer a little friendly tip.
Retrieve that e-mail from the "discard" file and save it someplace. You might need to keep a paper trail.
Eauchiche is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 05:53 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 15
Hello flippedrhalo. I am new here and going through the same and need validation also that my Addict husband really does love me. Mine sent a text telling me "he is done" after I kept hoping he would give me an "I love you more than alcohol and will do what I need to so we can be a family". Didn't get that and am as well devastated. Cognitively, I get it, he's sick but my heart is struggling.

Hope you find some serenity soon.
yourpowell1 is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 05:57 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
Someone please tell me that he's just very sick and isn't trying, willingly, to destroy me. Please tell me that? Please tell me that he's sick and can't help this and isn't enjoying knowing that he's hurting me so much? This is not the man that I lived with, loved and was going to marry. I know it isn't. I don't know this person at all.
When my ex starts rewriting history I have to hold on to what I know is true. He is a sick man whose entire mentality revolves around protecting his disease, which means casting himself as the victim in every situation, no matter what actually happened.
It is hurtful, but I think that he is operating on instinct to protect his drinking rather than being deliberately malicious. Though he does obviously try to lash out with what he thinks are real zingers, honestly the stuff he says is so ridiculous that it is hard not to laugh sometimes.

I left him because I got into a fight with his mom.
I need to go to an AA meeting because my drinking tore the family apart. (Really? I thought it was the fight with his mom. I guess that monthly hard cider or glass of wine is hitting me harder than I thought.)
He hasn't had a drink since last summer. (But sounds drunk every time he calls.)
I'm jealous because he has moved on with his new family and I'm just bitter. (He married his aunt. It's hard to feel anything but pity for her poor daughters who have to live with his drunken abuse.)

I know it hurts. It will hurt less with time. Hopefully he will leave you alone, but don't count on it. You might have to be proactive- block him or change your #. It's a hassle but if it brings you peace it will be worth it.
I forget, have you looked into Alanon? I'm actually heading to my Saturday night meeting here in a few minutes.
Big hugs.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 06:49 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
Dear Halo
Please forgive me for introducing a little humor into your thread. I know you are hurting, and I am NOT making light of that, but Scribbler's last post has given me a scathingly brilliant idea:

I am starting a new organization: The Union of Repentance and Sanity. Here are thes steps:
1. We admitted that we were all wrong about alcohol.
2. We admitted that we were all crazy
3. We confessed that we had said silly things just to hurt our mates.
4. We resolved to always see things from their point of view.
5. We made amends to them by punishing ourselves doubly for all their hurts.
6. We fast on water and bitter herbs 4 days per week.
7. We sleep in the shed except when needed for conjugal relations.
8. We wrote 300 word essays to members of their family of origin apologizing for insulting junior.
9. We took our marital vows seriously, especially "in sickness and in health", no matter what the cause of the illness.
10. We confess that we are miserable sinners and beyond redemption.
11. We confess that we are nuts.
12. We work hard to carry this message of joy to all people.
Eauchiche is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:00 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
My ex once emailed me "I need to get off of your crazy train". Wow, that blew my mind. I just told him then get off at the next stop and don't ever bother me again.

Do you see the games he is playing with you? They are all mind fvching games. He wants you to feel bad and to come crawling and begging him.

We all know you aren't going to do that.

You are a really terrific, wonderful person and I am so glad that I know you.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:12 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
FH, even without the text you're going to have a strong emotional reaction to ending a relationship, especially against your own inclinations. It's hard to do the right thing sometimes, and I wish I had been as strong as you at certain times in my life.

The text is pretty mild really, just a reaction to being dumped, but coming now it's set you off. Glad you had a really good therapeutic cry, and I hope it releases some of the tensions in your mind and body.

The future is bright.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:13 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by FlippedRHalo View Post
I went to my messages to erase all of his texts and saw that he sent another after the initial explosion last night.

It said: Please leave me in peace and let me start getting my life together.

I just erased it and tried not to think about it, but, it's been tearing me up all day and finally came to a head about an hour ago. Cue non-stop tears, the whys, the how could he's, etc...

I just can't stop sobbing - like those gut-wrenching, painful, non-stop flow of tears kind of tears. I hate crying and try SO HARD not to, but I can't stop them tonight. It hurts so bad. It hurts and I just want it all to stop. How much more can I let myself be tortured? I ended our relationship because I had to, I didn't want to, but I had to. It was my choice, it was the right and only choice, so WHY does it hurt so bad, why am I an emotional disaster right now? My daughter is with my mom and instead of enjoying a peaceful night, I'm doing this to myself.

Leave him in peace and let him start getting his life together? Wow. When the hell do I get some peace from this pain? When does my pain end and when does my life get back together after this disaster called alcoholism? I never once contacted him after he left. Not one single time. Every text was from him, asking one stupid question after another. Leave him in peace?? Good God! What a complete smack in the face - and he just keeps smacking. I was so good to him, so damn decent about it all, when we were together and through the break up and he just wants to keep hurting me. I just don't understand why and I'm having such a hard time moving past this. I get a few steps ahead and then wham, there he is and there I go, back 10 steps from the 2 steps forward that I took. It's just feels so cruel and unfair.

At this point, after saying that I know how much he loved me, I'm really second guessing that and that is so brutally painful. I couldn't ever do this to someone I loved. I cared about him and I couldn't think of any other way to be except gentle and kind when I knew that it was over. I never wanted us to go somewhere horrible like this and I wanted him to hurt as little as was humanly possible during this. But what the hell? Leave him in peace?

I feel sick to my stomach. Literally just sick, hurt and wondering if this pain is ever going to end. He's blocked now, but why did I have to see that last text? God, why?

At this moment, it feels like I'm never going to get through this hell. I know I will, but it's like our entire relationship as I thought I knew it is now destroyed and something completely different and it's really throwing me for one hell of a loop.
See the difference is, you are a decent person. He is not. You are lucky to be rid of him. This is what the rest of your life would have been.

First, forgive him for being an ass hat, then forgive yourself for falling for that chit, or visa versa.

It's all bs. He wants to blame you, so he doesn't have to look at himself.

I gotta tell you though, when I look at you, I see one terrific person, with a really good head on your shoulder, and a beautiful child that your are raising.

DO NOT EVER GO BACK INTO YOUR HEAD WITH THE WHAT IF'S . OR THE ONLY IF'S, it wouldn't have worked. You got off that merry go round. It might have been going so fast that you didn't realize you were dizzy, but we here at SR are going to hold you up till you get your balance again. OK

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:28 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by Eauchiche View Post
Dear Halo
Please forgive me for introducing a little humor into your thread. I know you are hurting, and I am NOT making light of that, but Scribbler's last post has given me a scathingly brilliant idea:

I am starting a new organization: The Union of Repentance and Sanity. Here are thes steps:
1. We admitted that we were all wrong about alcohol.
2. We admitted that we were all crazy
3. We confessed that we had said silly things just to hurt our mates.
4. We resolved to always see things from their point of view.
5. We made amends to them by punishing ourselves doubly for all their hurts.
6. We fast on water and bitter herbs 4 days per week.
7. We sleep in the shed except when needed for conjugal relations.
8. We wrote 300 word essays to members of their family of origin apologizing for insulting junior.
9. We took our marital vows seriously, especially "in sickness and in health", no matter what the cause of the illness.
10. We confess that we are miserable sinners and beyond redemption.
11. We confess that we are nuts.
12. We work hard to carry this message of joy to all people.
]

Ok, this may or may not have made me laugh just a little tonight...
FlippedRHalo is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:43 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Thanks guys....you have no idea how much I appreciate having all of you here. Each of you have helped me keep some of my sanity when I've felt it slipping throughout this crazy situation.

I think I'm a little too analytical for my own good at times, but it usually helps me tremendously to be able to logically understand how something works and why it works that way - I think it's the medical student in me. I guess some things just don't have logical answers and this is one, but that's so hard for me to come to terms with.

I just wish I could understand why he reiterates in his texts that he doesn't want to get back together, that it's right for us to go our separate ways and just when I think we're on the same page and it's going to be a calm, amicable break up with us causing each other as little pain as possible.... wham, he sucker punches me and flips things all around to the point that I'm confused and trying to defend myself. Ugh.

I feel a bit manipulated by someone I never thought would do something like that to me. For as much of an alcoholic as he was, I always felt very protected and very loved by him, so I guess this is shocking my system a bit.
FlippedRHalo is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:51 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Sober since 10th April 2012
 
FeelingGreat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You maybe feel there should be more to be said - a final word that justifies you, he's properly contrite, sees what he's put you through etc. Happens on television all the time.

A natural feeling but it may never come. Don't wait around for it.
FeelingGreat is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 07:54 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
You maybe feel there should be more to be said - a final word that justifies you, he's properly contrite, sees what he's put you through etc. Happens on television all the time.

A natural feeling but it may never come. Don't wait around for it.
The crazy thing is that in the beginning of all of this, he did do that. He apologized profusely while telling me that he knew he caused too much damage and that he didn't want to take me down with him.

And then....it all changed to this.
FlippedRHalo is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 08:09 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FRH,
I am so sorry for your pain. There is so many of us out there asking the same questions that you have asked. I reached out a week ago to the A's forum and I got an awesome response from Eddiebuckle. I am copying it below as it hit home with me and I think it will for you to.

Maia, I was on the other side of the fence during a breakup, interestingly enough right around the holidays. He may be out every night with friends, but you are looking at this from the eyes of someone who is not addicted. He CANNOT see it from the perspective of missing you, home, or family; he had to choose his alcohol/drugs or family/relationships. He chose alcohol/drugs - because he believes he cannot live without them. That is the insanity of addiction, it is not about you or love or how much fun he is having now. He needs his DOC like he needs oxygen, this is what it is like to live as an addict or alcoholic.

Please be gentle with yourself, but I agree with the others: no lasting good will come from inviting him over for the night. Until you can move forward, you will be imprisoned by your past.

I think this sums it up on what it is like for an Alanon. We think differently then they do. They do what they do because that's how they feel they need to survive. Not to personally hurt any of us. I hope this helps, as I read it all the time trying to comprehend my divorce from the love of my life. I just have to love from a distance.
(((((((hugs)))))))))
maia1234 is offline  
Old 12-13-2014, 09:31 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Maia, that helped tremendously. Thank you for sharing it with me. It's all just so extremely painful and hurtful, but I do try to remind myself that it's the addiction doing all of this and not me, or the him I once knew.

I hate that he is the one thing that meant so much and that I couldn't fix this for him. Being in the medical field for so many years, I'm used to being able to 'fix' things. Not always by any means, but usually we can do something to make it better. But, the person that I loved so much, I could do nothing for....and that is a hard pill to swallow. Actually, I'm still choking on that pill, but I'm trying to get it down.
FlippedRHalo is offline  
Old 12-14-2014, 12:52 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 207
God do they have a manual. My ex pulled the same crap. Blocking him was the best and healthiest thing I did BC he can't get into my head anymore.
charis78 is offline  
Old 12-14-2014, 12:54 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Mississauga
Posts: 207
His text wasn't necessary and possibly just an attempt to either hurt you or hook you in to another convo.

Also, why do we gave discussions like these over texts. Seems more appropriate on a phone call if anything. Texting is inhumane
charis78 is offline  
Old 12-14-2014, 05:27 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,373
I think he was getting a jab and rewriting the story with him as the long-suffering victim.

It was good to get out the tears.

His dramatic move of "leave me alone" has, if he realizes it, effectively made NC true both directions.

I'd pay the 12 bucks and block him, change your number, or get Verizon to block him so you no longer have to worry about hearing from him again. Please do this Monday first thing if possible.

Hugs--you are doing a great job dealing with this and clearly it was the right choice.
Hawkeye13 is offline  
Old 12-14-2014, 07:26 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I' d pay 50 bucks to make it stop!!!

he's playing the victim....

I was so good to him, so damn decent about it all, when we were together and through the break up and he just wants to keep hurting me

yes you were SO GOOD to him, you put up with a lot of shenanigans, until you couldn't do it anymore. in the initial break up phase he probably thought you'd waiver and say , ha just kidding, please come back, your drinking isn't really a problem.

and then, there he is.....out there on his own. outside looking in. knowing somewhere deep inside, that he brought this turn events on himself. but if he truly ACKNOWLEDGES that....then he has to ACCEPT that his drinking IS a problem, his life has become unmanageable AND he'll have to DO something about it. like......gah.....QUIT.

but that is an unacceptable proposition...for him. his denial is too strong to make such an admission.

and sooooo, it must be....YOUR FAULT. you are the problem. you are the enemy. if you had just shut up and behaved and kept being GOOD to him, he wouldn't be stuck having to face himself.

NO CONTACT babe.
AnvilheadII is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:47 AM.