I know that you care more than enough, as it seems YOU are doing all the work, he is not seeking help or ordering books, he is just going to work and smoking pot every night, getting angry at the TV or sitting in an AA meeting on his "day off from work". But the abusive language and the vocals that he was "going to snap your neck" should not be ignored.
Your "zero tolerance" is not going to do squat when he has you pinned down with his hands around your throat, or he sucker punches you so hard on the side of your face you think your jaw might be broken (this was my reality). You do not have control over him with your ultimatums that you think, it is just going to ramp up his resentment, because he is not addressing his real problems.
Yes, Mike that was the exact book, thanks for looking it up. JB, I do hope you decided to read it for YOURSELF. it seems everything you do is for him, babysitting him to go to AA meeting, "encouraging him to get a sponsor". But he is not willing to do anything other than go when it suits his schedule. He doesn't want you to have al anon because he doesn't want you to have any resources.
I don't know how you can live in peace if you have to watch his actions all the time and worry about protecting yourself. You need support for YOU, because being trapped and depressed, living daily dependent on your husbands moods and your father paying your rent is no way to live.
you sound like a smart woman who is more than capable of advancing herself and building a real life without all the garbage he brings you daily. Kudos that you stopped drinking to join him, this is a huge step forward too.
enjoy your family today and keep communicating with them daily.