Hiya! Thanks for the response guys.
When I get stressed or have hard days, I typically paint, watch tv or exercise. However, when things start to build up, I don't reach for those outlets, I just have a lot of anxiety which feels debilitating at times.
I have tried AA and sober recovery in the past but never continued for one reason or another. I have started to feel like a burden to some ppl around me as they don't want to talk about sobriety or they don't really care (ie- "you're still not drinking?") but I have at least 1 person to talk to, I just don't want to wear him down. I haven't talked about it much in counseling, but will start bringing it up and asking for resources.
I can go weeks without craving, be around others who are drinking and not drink etc but once I feel stressed or very out of control I can't rationalize and other than my SO, I don't feel like I can call anyone during those times so I drink excessively and that leads to other dangerous behaviors. I usually ask that he stay away, cancel all my plans and drink and cry at home alone (I did this on Friday)..it's very deliberate.
I'm more ashamed of myself because I've had to start over so many times and it's usually for small stupid things. I just really want help and stop forever because I'm such a better person when I'm sober.