Originally Posted by sassygal
Thanks Codemaster - your thoughts and words are helping me. My problem is that I do not know what to do with myself. Last night, I went to Bingo and then to Barnes & Noble alone. It wasn't bad, but it really wasn't that much fun. How does one find peace and learn to have fun again? I became so codependent and I am really having trouble finding out what I want to do.
Glad you asked because I just happen to be in the exact situation as yourself, at the point of my ex leaving me, I have ZERO friends in San Francisco, I had only one friend who is in Fremont which is an hour away and he cant really be here all the time. I've been going to a few places alone, and especially at the beginning, it was very hurtful and sometimes I'd hold back tears.
But AlAnon and this forum helped a lot, after maybe 50 people told me to protect myself, work on myself, it did not get through to my head to really understand what they meant. But after hard pounding, it got to me, I sit and wonder about myself because I believe with all my heart that working on myself will enable me to become a source of happiness and strength, whcih then, and only then, can I really be able to love someone else to the fullest. If your on a plane that needs to make a crash landing and your with your baby kid, and the emergency oxygen thing drops, a codependant would first put the oxygen on the baby while holding their breathe, and maybe not even be able to help out the baby in time becasue the plane is rocking up and down. So in the end, both kinda die or barely make it. The "working on yourself" mentality does not imply to be selfish, it implies to put on that oxygen mask FIRST, only then can you possibly give anything to others. And nor do I mean to say that baby in this example is the alcoholic, I am simply talking about why I understand its important to focus on self.
A few things that helped me greatly.
1. Making initiations to make new friends, I'm grateful for anyone who is willing to be my friend, I'm not being picky or arrogant. I went to the gym alone, and one guy who was always friendly to me and talked to me in there I ran into, I actually initiated to ask if he'd like to hang out sometimes after we chit chat or maybe we could workout together and we exchanged numbers. From there, I've went out with him with his friends and it was fun. One friend, see, can open up a large network to all their friends. And dont be picky or rude or anything, be grateful anyone is willing to even be your friend (like for my case). One girl who watched our cat over xmas but we barely talked ever after that, I called her to ask her to simply come over and hang out since shes a neighbor. Now we're friends. Other people I used to run into but pretty much neglected cause I was happy with jus thaving my ex, I've ran into again but this time seriously ask to hang out. I continue this cycle, and reach out, and soon enough, you'll have a large network of even more people by meeting those few friends cause you get connected to their network. Al-Anon also seems to be a place where people are very kind and easy to hang out with, I wouldnt date someone in there though just cause they are healing like us
2. Figure out the goals you mayve been neglecting. For me, I've neglected working out, working on my business, cleaning up, finances, washing my bike, etc... I immediatelly focused hardcore on shaping up everything, I cleaned up everything, I workout hard, I organize my finances again, I bought healthy food again, etc etc... I've neglected everything of myself, and I'll tell ya, its amazing how quickly your true strong self comes back when you get your own needs / goals great attention again.
I dont know if I will be with my ex again or if she wants me or if I should even go after her, I dont... but I do know that when I am content with ME, who I AM, not ME AND MY EX, but ME, the right person will be right in front of me. And who knows, maybe its my ex, but I leave that for destiny to guide.
For now, destiny wants you to be healthy, as everyone here does too. I hope my experiences may help any...
EDIT: On top of that, make peace with your AH. Let him do whatever he chooses, despite his lack of regards to you, just be nice and let him know you really do love him, then let him go. I mean really let go, but leave the door open for him to come back if its meant to be. Setting the environment to be like that has brought me great peace... anger only killed me. But getting to a state of peace with my ex, then letting her go, but knowing that she knows the doors open for her (for now, I mean, who knows, maybe I'll meet someone else or she will meet someone else) has brought me great peace. Theres nothing that kills your own soul more then anger...
As always, wish you the best.