sassygal

I am now so angry, pissed, hurt, confused, etc. I just spoke to my AH, because he hasn't actually left our home as of yet. We have been talking more and on Tuesday night he wanted to know what I thought about him either renting a trailer for $365/mo. with a 6-month lease or maybe buying a camper which he could later sell and get his money back (sometimes he sounds hopeful). We quit our talk with an agreement to talk in a couple of days after thinking about same. We have an apartment off our main house in the backyard which he mentioned a couple of weeks back maybe moving into, but at that time, I thought it was a bad idea because then I would still be seeing him so often. After giving it more thought, I then decided maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. We do have a 15 year-old daughter and that way, he could spend more time with her and, he could see the changes occurring and that I would be getting on with my life. Now, after talking with him this morning, he pretty much is telling me that it is too late for that and that he really needs to call the lady with the trailer soon before someone else takes it. I feel like he is taking all the control and doing as he well pleases - no consideration to how I am feeling. Yes, it is hard dealing with a relationship that is broken after 18 years - but I am working on it!! He is supposed to be coming by later this morning for us to talk about it - I REALLY NEED ADVICE HOW TO HANDLE?? I do not want to screw up any chances for a reconciliation - please help.

splendra

(((((Sassygal))))

Just take some deep breaths and say a little prayer the serenety prayer is good for times like this it goes: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and, the wisdom to know the difference"....

Try to relax and remember what you have learned you can get thru this!!!

FriendofBill

Just some food for thought....It sounds like you want him to go....just not too far.

Letting go and lettiing God does sometimes bring back REALLY wonderful results!

Good luck!

lafever chris

I`m praying for you.


chris


P.S.god bless you

Kahlia

I think you also want him to leave but not really. Relationships can be confusing at times....errrrr. I think that you should let go and let him make a decision about what it is that he wants really do. He IS going to do it anyway, you know??? I am also praying for your sanity.....Kahlia

cwohio

sassy - i agree - let go and let him make the decision (sounds like he already has) - i pray that you will feel better once the decision has been made and you can focus on you and your daughter!

hugs - chris

gelfling

Let him go. It might be what you both need. When he buys the camper/trailer, make sure you don't sign anything that will hold you financially responsible if he can't make the payments.

sassygal

Thanks to all of you for the support and thoughts. He did come home and we did talk. He is going to call about the trailer (if it is still available) and we will keep trying to communicate and get on with our lives, one day at a time. Thanks to everyone and please, keep the prayers coming our way

CodeMaster

Someone said to me, just one question for you, do you love him enough to let him go?

Sure you want reconcilation, but I feel your trying too hard, try letting go, and I mean, really letting go, none of this, hope he stays nearby so he can see how I'm changing and maybe that'll get him to realize how great I am type of "let go". I mean, taking care of yourself, moving forward, finding peace, etc.. .its something anyone can find if they truly seek it, but if your doing it to impress or get him to notice or anything like that, forget it.

Trailer sounds great in my opinion. I know he has neglected your feelings all too often, but he will never be able to think of them unless he has truly been let go so to say. I cant emphasize, but ever since I've been truly seperated from my ex where we have very minimal contact, I cant tell you how much has gone through my head and how clear things are, and I can tell a lot has gone through my ex's head as well and while we are apart, we have thought a lot about each others feelings and how we affect each other and how we're all not perfect. Whether that means it leads to being reconciled, I dont know, but thats impossible for anyone to know, you just focus on yourself, leave him be and let him focus on himself, and let life.

Best of luck to your situation, I only share what has been working for me in my discoveries, everyones case is different, I just hope my sharings may bring any help.

sassygal

Thanks Codemaster - your thoughts and words are helping me. My problem is that I do not know what to do with myself. Last night, I went to Bingo and then to Barnes & Noble alone. It wasn't bad, but it really wasn't that much fun. How does one find peace and learn to have fun again? I became so codependent and I am really having trouble finding out what I want to do.

CodeMaster

Glad you asked because I just happen to be in the exact situation as yourself, at the point of my ex leaving me, I have ZERO friends in San Francisco, I had only one friend who is in Fremont which is an hour away and he cant really be here all the time. I've been going to a few places alone, and especially at the beginning, it was very hurtful and sometimes I'd hold back tears.

But AlAnon and this forum helped a lot, after maybe 50 people told me to protect myself, work on myself, it did not get through to my head to really understand what they meant. But after hard pounding, it got to me, I sit and wonder about myself because I believe with all my heart that working on myself will enable me to become a source of happiness and strength, whcih then, and only then, can I really be able to love someone else to the fullest. If your on a plane that needs to make a crash landing and your with your baby kid, and the emergency oxygen thing drops, a codependant would first put the oxygen on the baby while holding their breathe, and maybe not even be able to help out the baby in time becasue the plane is rocking up and down. So in the end, both kinda die or barely make it. The "working on yourself" mentality does not imply to be selfish, it implies to put on that oxygen mask FIRST, only then can you possibly give anything to others. And nor do I mean to say that baby in this example is the alcoholic, I am simply talking about why I understand its important to focus on self.

A few things that helped me greatly.
1. Making initiations to make new friends, I'm grateful for anyone who is willing to be my friend, I'm not being picky or arrogant. I went to the gym alone, and one guy who was always friendly to me and talked to me in there I ran into, I actually initiated to ask if he'd like to hang out sometimes after we chit chat or maybe we could workout together and we exchanged numbers. From there, I've went out with him with his friends and it was fun. One friend, see, can open up a large network to all their friends. And dont be picky or rude or anything, be grateful anyone is willing to even be your friend (like for my case). One girl who watched our cat over xmas but we barely talked ever after that, I called her to ask her to simply come over and hang out since shes a neighbor. Now we're friends. Other people I used to run into but pretty much neglected cause I was happy with jus thaving my ex, I've ran into again but this time seriously ask to hang out. I continue this cycle, and reach out, and soon enough, you'll have a large network of even more people by meeting those few friends cause you get connected to their network. Al-Anon also seems to be a place where people are very kind and easy to hang out with, I wouldnt date someone in there though just cause they are healing like us

2. Figure out the goals you mayve been neglecting. For me, I've neglected working out, working on my business, cleaning up, finances, washing my bike, etc... I immediatelly focused hardcore on shaping up everything, I cleaned up everything, I workout hard, I organize my finances again, I bought healthy food again, etc etc... I've neglected everything of myself, and I'll tell ya, its amazing how quickly your true strong self comes back when you get your own needs / goals great attention again.

I dont know if I will be with my ex again or if she wants me or if I should even go after her, I dont... but I do know that when I am content with ME, who I AM, not ME AND MY EX, but ME, the right person will be right in front of me. And who knows, maybe its my ex, but I leave that for destiny to guide.

For now, destiny wants you to be healthy, as everyone here does too. I hope my experiences may help any...

EDIT: On top of that, make peace with your AH. Let him do whatever he chooses, despite his lack of regards to you, just be nice and let him know you really do love him, then let him go. I mean really let go, but leave the door open for him to come back if its meant to be. Setting the environment to be like that has brought me great peace... anger only killed me. But getting to a state of peace with my ex, then letting her go, but knowing that she knows the doors open for her (for now, I mean, who knows, maybe I'll meet someone else or she will meet someone else) has brought me great peace. Theres nothing that kills your own soul more then anger...

As always, wish you the best.

JessicaNAJ

Let him make the choice that is best for him.

I agree with what FriendofBIll said, Letting go and lettiing God does sometimes bring back REALLY wonderful results!

(((((())))))

sassygal

Thank you all so much. I do need to find peace and happiness. I have been attending Alanon meetings (2nd one this week), and praying and reading a lot. Thanks again for all of the support.