Originally Posted by
soberbrah 
Yea the meetings I go to don't do anything for me for the most part, I have a tough time relating to most, but I feel like that's a common cop out
I always wuss out and dont get a sponsor, idk why maybe deep down it's me hoping that maybe just maybe I have another shot at this thing(salvage my drinking career)
I then am motivated to dry out because drinking in my broken down state wouldn't be enjoyable anyways, so I dry out, maybe hit some meetings to pass time or scope out talent, then I'm settled in to white knuckle mode and dedicate myself to health and fitness. A large motivating factor behind the hardcore health and fitness kick is drinking. I'm working out in order to look and feel better when I drink. When the time comes and I am ready it is time to drink again. I get to a point where I am really well put together, I am the man for about 45 minutes, on top of the world, and then it all crumbles. Fast forward five days I'm pacing around apartment in a bathrobe with a bottle of jack in my hand looking like a bumb. Two days later I'll end up in a church basement, rinse repeat.
I get waves of motivation to dive into the program head first and never look back, but then I'll have the other side come over me. I'll be at a meeting listening to this lady ramble about the second step, all of which makes sense and is cool, but I just cannot be bothered by it. I think to myself are you freaking kidding me. This is what my life is going to consist of? And then I think about a cooler of ice cold coors lights. The colds beads of water on the side of the ice cold can. That luscious smell just welcoming me, telling me everything's gunna be okay in 12 ounces. I weigh the sobriety and listening to step lady vs 45 minutes of glory and insanity. The more I think about it it goes from sobriety being best, to maybe a push, to id have to be out of my mind to deprive myself of that alcoholic nectar.
do people talk about what the drink did to them or what is cost them in the meetings you go to ? or is it just steps they talk about ?
for me when i first went to aa meetings people were talking about what the drink did to them so i felt i was in the right place as i was so like these people
thats what kept me coming back as i felt like i was one of them and i wanted to know more etc
try and find meetings that share about it all rather than program based steps etc as it certainly helped me big time
the steps came much later on for me but my first task was to learn how to not pick up a drink for just 1 day
i know for many who only had a small drink problem they were able to go right on with the steps as they still had a brain so to speak, but for me i was just riddled with guilt and shame and really mentally dead
all i could do was get to meetings day and night as i had no job and it got me out of an empty flat were i would be alone with my mad head
i was so lucky that i met with people who really did work there 12th step, they didnt just show up at meetings and preach and then go home they took the time to help me in so many ways keeping me company, taking me to meetings even buying me food etc
i will never forget those early days and how much i was at the mercy of others in aa and for all there help
there isnt any other organization that can beat it in my eyes for the help that i got and the best part about it was its totally free.
today i am in the lucky postion were i can spend time with new comers and take them for there first bacon butty like i had given to me : )
i just hope people dont end up like i did as i said i was lucky to get out of it all otherwise i have no doubt i would be dead today as i wouldnt of lasted long out on the streets
good luck to you and i hope you can find the help i found in aa