Jay92

Second time ive wrote this cuz the forum decided i spent to long and timed me out. Seriously shouldn't this place be a stress free environment :P

Maybe its best that i have to rewrite this as the first time i was all over the place.

Anyway heres my story.

So 2 years ago i lived within a stones throw of 4 of my mates house. Still living at home. I drank socially and that was it. Very rarely if ever drank in the house.

Then i moved house. Around the same time my mums business of several years failed. Her depression went a bit out of control. Around this time i also left school and got my first job. Around this time i also decided to quit smoking. Starting smoking on my 20th birthday stopped on my 21st. Yea im an idiot.

Anyway so for the first time in my life socialising was difficult as i had moved away from the only close friends i had. I also had disposable income for the first time. I lived a 10 minute walk from the offies, stressed from working and bored outta my head.

So i started having a drink in the house. My contract at work at this point meant i only did 1 or 2 days a week. But it was enough to wind me up a bit.

Anyway 2 years have went by since then. My contract quite recently has been upped to full time. A bit of a shock to the system but i dont mind the work, overall i enjoy it. Over the 2 years my drinking has increased steadily.

These past few months however it has gotten a bit out of control. Perhaps to some of you it doesnt sound as bad as some stories from other members seem to indicate im a newbie at drinking but needless to say i want to curb this before it reaches a level that i lose control completly.

In the past few months my mum has switched her anti-depressants which has made her...more depressed. Dunno how that works. The general vibe in the house is bringing me down to the point that i think i may also be suffering from depression. Anyway with the mood being as it is i am finding i am drinking more than ever. I honestly dont no how often i drink but i would probobly say 2-5 times a week. Always to excess and generally by myself.

The struggle i am having is that i enjoy it. I no how stupid that sounds but i dont think i have reached the level where i hate it or treat it as an addiction. On my day off i go and get drink at around 5-7 pm. Wait for it to chill and then will drink from around 8 or 9 to around 5-7 in the morning. I am generally up at that time regardless as i work 4-12 shifts at work and my sleeping pattern has just changed over time.

In a typical session i will drink 12-15 tins of beer, depending what crate size is on offer. I do drink vodka on occasion and if thats the case would probobly drink just over half a litre in the same space of time.

In that time i will watch tv, listen to music but more time is spent playing pc games.

Not really sure this forum is for me as i dont plan on quitting drinking. I want to cut down, i want to be in control of it. At this point i feel like i need to have a drink not want. I have noticed my drinking has increased and thats why im hear. To get some advice and read other peoples stories.

Short term i want to go the next 5 days without drinking. Always had 2 days sober. Just to see if i can do it. I dont think ive had a sober week in 2 years.

After that my plan is to only drink socially and if i fancy a drink any other time to buy 2-4 beers instead of 2-4 crates as i do at the moment. I tend to stock up and buy 40-60 beers at once and then drink away at them anytime im not at work.

I think the reason i have noticed my drinking increase is that ive taken to drinking bottles of beer as apposed to tins. Tins crush and take up no space in the bin. But we only get a small section in our bins for glass. And at the moment im filling the thing up 4 times over every week.

I think i could solve all my problems by moving out. Get away from the negative atmosphere in my house. Having my own house would mean more bills meaning less disposable income. Unforunitly i am bringing alot of money into the house atm and that is the only thing keeping us afloat so i cant leave. Also my mum likes a drink once or twice a week and she keeps a near full bottle of vodka in the kitchen. Which is going to make this "Sober week" difficult.

No one knows how much i actually drink, im good at hiding the evidence and i dont want them to know how bad it has actually gotten. Maybe in a few weeks or months when i feel i have a handle on it i will come clean.

At the moment i feel like if i come clean it will make my mums depression worse and she already seems to be drinking more than usual. I also feel like even if i manage to get a handle of it i will be judged every time i decide to have a drink.

I dont no why i write this on a public board to a bunch of strangers, i really dont. Part of me just wanted to see whats actually going on inside my head and its alot easier to see it when its on the screen infront of me. I didnt actually realise how much i knew about my addiction until i wrote this. Now i have an idea of how it happened and what my triggers are which i have never really put much thought into.

Anyway congrats for reaching the end...