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Don't no why im here...Don't no why im writing this.

Old 11-19-2014, 10:18 PM
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Don't no why im here...Don't no why im writing this.

Second time ive wrote this cuz the forum decided i spent to long and timed me out. Seriously shouldn't this place be a stress free environment :P

Maybe its best that i have to rewrite this as the first time i was all over the place.

Anyway heres my story.

So 2 years ago i lived within a stones throw of 4 of my mates house. Still living at home. I drank socially and that was it. Very rarely if ever drank in the house.

Then i moved house. Around the same time my mums business of several years failed. Her depression went a bit out of control. Around this time i also left school and got my first job. Around this time i also decided to quit smoking. Starting smoking on my 20th birthday stopped on my 21st. Yea im an idiot.

Anyway so for the first time in my life socialising was difficult as i had moved away from the only close friends i had. I also had disposable income for the first time. I lived a 10 minute walk from the offies, stressed from working and bored outta my head.

So i started having a drink in the house. My contract at work at this point meant i only did 1 or 2 days a week. But it was enough to wind me up a bit.

Anyway 2 years have went by since then. My contract quite recently has been upped to full time. A bit of a shock to the system but i dont mind the work, overall i enjoy it. Over the 2 years my drinking has increased steadily.

These past few months however it has gotten a bit out of control. Perhaps to some of you it doesnt sound as bad as some stories from other members seem to indicate im a newbie at drinking but needless to say i want to curb this before it reaches a level that i lose control completly.

In the past few months my mum has switched her anti-depressants which has made her...more depressed. Dunno how that works. The general vibe in the house is bringing me down to the point that i think i may also be suffering from depression. Anyway with the mood being as it is i am finding i am drinking more than ever. I honestly dont no how often i drink but i would probobly say 2-5 times a week. Always to excess and generally by myself.

The struggle i am having is that i enjoy it. I no how stupid that sounds but i dont think i have reached the level where i hate it or treat it as an addiction. On my day off i go and get drink at around 5-7 pm. Wait for it to chill and then will drink from around 8 or 9 to around 5-7 in the morning. I am generally up at that time regardless as i work 4-12 shifts at work and my sleeping pattern has just changed over time.

In a typical session i will drink 12-15 tins of beer, depending what crate size is on offer. I do drink vodka on occasion and if thats the case would probobly drink just over half a litre in the same space of time.

In that time i will watch tv, listen to music but more time is spent playing pc games.

Not really sure this forum is for me as i dont plan on quitting drinking. I want to cut down, i want to be in control of it. At this point i feel like i need to have a drink not want. I have noticed my drinking has increased and thats why im hear. To get some advice and read other peoples stories.

Short term i want to go the next 5 days without drinking. Always had 2 days sober. Just to see if i can do it. I dont think ive had a sober week in 2 years.

After that my plan is to only drink socially and if i fancy a drink any other time to buy 2-4 beers instead of 2-4 crates as i do at the moment. I tend to stock up and buy 40-60 beers at once and then drink away at them anytime im not at work.

I think the reason i have noticed my drinking increase is that ive taken to drinking bottles of beer as apposed to tins. Tins crush and take up no space in the bin. But we only get a small section in our bins for glass. And at the moment im filling the thing up 4 times over every week.

I think i could solve all my problems by moving out. Get away from the negative atmosphere in my house. Having my own house would mean more bills meaning less disposable income. Unforunitly i am bringing alot of money into the house atm and that is the only thing keeping us afloat so i cant leave. Also my mum likes a drink once or twice a week and she keeps a near full bottle of vodka in the kitchen. Which is going to make this "Sober week" difficult.

No one knows how much i actually drink, im good at hiding the evidence and i dont want them to know how bad it has actually gotten. Maybe in a few weeks or months when i feel i have a handle on it i will come clean.

At the moment i feel like if i come clean it will make my mums depression worse and she already seems to be drinking more than usual. I also feel like even if i manage to get a handle of it i will be judged every time i decide to have a drink.

I dont no why i write this on a public board to a bunch of strangers, i really dont. Part of me just wanted to see whats actually going on inside my head and its alot easier to see it when its on the screen infront of me. I didnt actually realise how much i knew about my addiction until i wrote this. Now i have an idea of how it happened and what my triggers are which i have never really put much thought into.

Anyway congrats for reaching the end...
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:32 PM
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Hi and welcome.

I was never able to control my drinking; hope you have more success. please keep us updated.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:33 PM
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Hi and welcome Jay

I don;t know anything about social drinking - tried to do that for 20 years and failed dismally.

Once I got the taste of alcohol nothing short of oblivion would satisfy me.

I do wish you the best tho - and with your domestic arrangements too. Your current living arrangements don't seem great - I hope you can find away to move out and not feel too guilty.

Maybe some of the other people who make up the 'us' in your house could step up to the plate? or maybe there'd be some help for your mum if you did move out? Might be worth investigating.

I hope you can convince your mum to see her Dr too -if her anti antidepressants aren't working she needs to sort that out. If she's drinking too, they probably wont work at all, no matter what kind of med they are

Like I said I wish you the best. If you find cutting back is hard to do or impossible to maintain, we're here to help

D
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:35 PM
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Hi jay ,
I think it's worthwhile evaluating our relationship with alcohol . I hope you do the 5 days and then maybe decide to see what more time sober is like … At 5 days i was still sick and recovering ..
Welcome to SR .

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Old 11-19-2014, 10:40 PM
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Remember that you're not your mothers parent.

It's normal to worry about her health and happiness but you can't let it get in the way of your own. Your home life sounds stressful, as you've already mentioned. Have you thought about an apartment of your own?

I think talking a break from drinking is a great idea. Let your mind clear up a bit and see what you decide then.

Welcome to the forum. Glad your hear.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:44 PM
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Welcome, Jay. You'll find lots of support, encouragement and great advice here on SR. Glad you've joined us.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:50 PM
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My thinking is im not to far down the rabbit hole and i can turn it back to the social drinking i did before. At the moment i dont think i could quit completely. As for mothers anti-depression tablets they are not supposed to be taken with alcohol and the reason for changing her tablets is because the old ones stopped working. Apparantly. At least where i am there are only 2 types of anti depressents suitable for her so its this or nothing.

As for evaluating my relationship with drink i will do that at the end of my 7 days. My assumption is after a week the physical need for alcohol will be gone. The last time i decided to "Dry out" was a year or 2 ago and i remember after making it past the 5th day i didnt feel the need to drink. I still wanted one but it was not the same sort of urge. Its hard to explain but im sure you get the gist :P

Im working the nightshift this weekend so i wont have time to socialise so my intention is to make it until the next social gathering which is next thursday. So it will be 9 days off total. At least that is my goal.

Starting off small with my goals, no sense making a grand dramatic statment and then failing to stick to it.

I recently lost 4 stone with a slimming club and to be honest its the same sort of mentality you need for both. Both are addiction and both need willpower. Let me tell you this! Losing 4 stone while drinking 2 crate of beer a week is not easy :P

I cut down my drinking when on the diet which is why i have decided to make a change now before it returns to "Normal" levels.

Thx for the advice and kind words everyone.
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:55 PM
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Wow, good for you...writing all of that! Sounds like you needed to share and as you said take an look at what's going on with your drinking. When things get bad enough for us (and eventually they do), many are blessed with the desire to stop drinking completely. I hope, if you are an alcoholic, this happens for you sooner than later. I will have a good thought for you.
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Old 11-19-2014, 11:05 PM
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do you think 7 days is long enough to evaluate your relationship with alcohol, Jay?

D
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Old 11-20-2014, 02:17 AM
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Welcome, Jay

Glad to have you with us. Your home life sounds stressful for you. Hope your mum can sort out her meds for a more peaceful life for all of you.

I wish you every success in moderating your alcohol, I know that I tried for around 20 years to do that with no success- it seemed like I could for a few weeks, and then I lost control over it again.

Well done for the long post, it helps to write it all sometimes.

We're not strangers now.
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Old 11-20-2014, 03:19 AM
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Jay...why not carry out your plan EXACTLY as you define and see how easy it is for you. Don't change the rules or make excuses half way through. Plan to do this for a month or so and then reassess then.
If you can't do it then restart and try again. If you fail again then maybe its time to admit that the addiction may be stronger than you think and as strong as you fear and then you can have a different type of conversation.

the reason I say this is that my consumption was broadly level to yours for years and at around this kind of level I started to do what you are doing.....making all sorts of rules to convince myself that alcohol could continue to be a part of my life and that I could cut down.

Turns out that was my AV talking and I was stupid enough to listen to it. I then wasted 10 more years and paid all sorts of prices. Hopefully your path is not similar, that was just my experience. Your can be very different.
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Old 11-20-2014, 03:57 AM
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Jay, I do see some red flags in your post. Stocking up on cases of beer, drinking 12-15 a night, drinking alone, filling up the bins with empties etc....Also, people who can control their drinking don't usually have to make a big effort to do so.

If you do have a real problem, cutting back will only lead you back to drinking more and more. Give quitting for the week a try and be really honest with yourself about the process. And we are all here for you while you are ttrying this. Welcome to SR!
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Old 11-20-2014, 04:13 AM
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Hi Jay! Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are very young, so first of all...kudos on identifying this as a problematic issue rather than rationalizing it as "partying" as I would have done at your age. Second, you may want to consider spending some time here, reading and posting as much as possible, to see what you can learn and possibly relate to.

I'm happy you're here, and I wish you the absolute best.
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Old 11-20-2014, 04:16 AM
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Welcome to the family.
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Old 11-20-2014, 04:50 AM
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Nice to meet you jay welcome to the forum
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Old 11-20-2014, 08:00 AM
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Hi Jay.

Lots of folks don't seem to know why they post here at first, but most report concerns about their drinking. Few people who don't have problems with alcohol can quote the when, where, how, how much and how often of their drinking.

I coordinated a large-scale, multi-site study on the genetics of alcoholism and, regardless of individual experience, both depression and alcohol problems carry a genetic component and therefore "run in families." What this means, among much else, is that we cannot control either problem on our own, and that we cannot turn back the clock once these difficulties emerge. They are essentially hard-wired and are generally triggered by environmental stress.

As Dee commented, your "domestic arrangements" are complicated and likely carry levels of co-dependency that both sustain and nurture the problem. Very often, we cannot see how our living arrangements are hurting us (and others) and are, in fact, making things worse unless and until we change things around in that regard. I can't speak to your desire to cut down on/control/moderate your drinking, in part because I've never tried to do so, but also because I've never known anyone who's been successful at it over the long term. Most times, it only prolongs the problem and often makes things worse.

The good news is that you have a lot of options here, before you descend lower into the rabbit hole you mentioned. Go to a couple of AA meetings and hear what others who struggle with alcohol have to say; make an appointment for a screening for outpatient treatment in order to get a professional perspective of where you're at (there's no requirement to enter treatment based on an intake interview alone), read up on AVRT here and across the Internet and, as others have suggested, do some research on what entitlements (which is what we call government-based benefits in the States) your mother may be eligible for -- essentially using what seems like a part of your co-dependency in a healthy way. Sticking around here has helped I don't know how many thousands of people to sort things out and take appropriate actions.

It's a great thing that you came here before everything has spun out of control; the thing is to do something about it before it does.
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Old 11-20-2014, 08:12 AM
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Hi Jay

welcome to the forum and thanks for your post. I became a solo drinker who would spend hours playing pc games to the point i couldnt even see the screen, lost a few keyboards to vomit and whisky. When i decided to get sober i had to uninstall Steam to keep me from playing and reigniting those triggers. I am at the point where i can now sit down and play without issue but this is almost a year later. Everyone is different but recognizing those triggers is important if you are looking to stop or at least slow it down. Good luck
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Old 11-20-2014, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by downtown3 View Post
Hi Jay

welcome to the forum and thanks for your post. I became a solo drinker who would spend hours playing pc games to the point i couldnt even see the screen, lost a few keyboards to vomit and whisky. When i decided to get sober i had to uninstall Steam to keep me from playing and reigniting those triggers. I am at the point where i can now sit down and play without issue but this is almost a year later. Everyone is different but recognizing those triggers is important if you are looking to stop or at least slow it down. Good luck

I can relate to this. I'd come in most nights and just sit with an 8 pack playing fifa. Needless to say playing fifa is a huge trigger to me now. Although I do find I'm much better at it when I'm sober.
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:41 AM
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Welcome! You're not alone. Far from it.
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Old 11-20-2014, 04:09 PM
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Thanks again its nice to read the supporting messages. One thing i have to say is i truly dont think giving up drinking is an option for me at this point. A lot of you seem to sway in that direction and yes i understand where your coming from. You've been through it and you do no better. But i have to figure this thing out for myself and at this time i have no intention of quitting completely. I know that you all have my best intentions at heart and its clear when reading your comments its like your speaking to your younger selves. Trying to get me to wise up before its to late.

I am trying it my way first, to see if i can control it. To see if i can keep it to drinking socially or having 1 or 2 at the end of the work day. Many people i no can keep to this pattern and have no difficulty in doing so as far as i can see. I accept i have an addictive personally, but i have given up or controlled many of my addictions in the past. I quit smoking, i lost the extra weight and i curbed my gambling when i seen i was spending to much. Now i do all of these things in moderation. I should also mention, mother was a smoker, a fatty and gambler :P So i have to agree with the poster who said alot of my issues are genetic.

My dads also a diabetic which is another reason for me to cut down or quit. As i dont think those two things go together. Was tested when i was very young and my mum was told there was a strong chance i would develop it in my teens although i haven't been tested since.

As for how its going, so far i haven't had any withdrawal symptoms apart from maybe feeling a little more fidgety. Today is the day i usually go to the bingo and would always have a drink there. So decided not to go. Aside from bingo night i dont really have any other triggers apart from working with a particularly hateful person in work and i am unfortunately working with her on night-shift this weekend. Just me and her. I would usually come home and have a couple before bed after a nightshift as she has a way of getting me fuming.

May have to have a word with the boss and just say im making some changes in my life and could do without the negativity that seems to follow when i work with her. See how that goes.

Anyway thanks again for the kind words and i hope i dont come across as a know it all or full of myself but i really want to see how i handle it my way before resorting to complete sobriety.
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