Welcome to the Board. I'm a little bit late getting to this, but I'd like to respond to your post now.
but he is a master manipulator and I need all the help I can get.
He's not unique in that regard. Those in active alcoholism and addiction excel at manipulation. The good news here is you know this. But what you need to be aware of is he'll take advantage of this:
Even though after everything he has done to me, I still desire him in my life, and I love him so much...
And he'll attempt to squirm his way back into your life by promising to be on his best behavior, seek treatment, etc., etc. etc. And he will behave for a short term. But only for a short term. He'd be back to his old self before long.
Most people would think I'm crazy.
Crazy isn't the word I would use. That's too harsh. But when you make decisions despite knowing what you know to be true, that's a form of denial. And denial is our biggest impediment when we're trying to get back on our feet.
Sometimes we have to accept that we can love someone and not be with them. Romantic love isn't a life sentence.
Anyways, my hope is you take advantage of the support and experience our members share with you. It will save your sanity, if you allow it to.
Again, Welcome to the Board.