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Need to stay strong

Old 11-16-2014, 06:54 PM
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Need to stay strong

A few days ago I learned many secrets that my husband has been keeping from me. He left our home in shame saying he needed to talk but could only do it by letter because he did not have the heart to tell me to my face. My husband has been battling alcoholism/cocaine addiction for a few years now... And it has now progressed to crack cocaine. He has not returned to our home and he insists on staying away. Even though after everything he has done to me, I still desire him in my life, and I love him so much... Most people would think I'm crazy. I have been having a hard time accepting that he does not want to be here, or do the work to save himself, but I am thankful my husband has made the choice to leave, as he does not want this to affect me anymore. I worry for what is to come... When and if he tries to come back, and standing my ground. I have lost so much energy over this that the thought of being strong seems overwhelming. I need to let him go and stick to my bottom line that he cannot be in my life if he chooses not to get help. I have been seeking help through al-anon and a counsellor, and I'm very fortunate to have the support of my friends and family. I'm hoping someone who has been living with an addict partner can offer me some advice on how they stuck to their boundaries... I do not want to cave if he comes crawling back, but he is a master manipulator and I need all the help I can get.
Thank you!!
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Old 11-16-2014, 10:08 PM
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Sorry your going thru this. My AH has done the same thing been gone 3 mths. Except his doc is meth.. He said he just cant hurt me anymore. We've been togeather 28 yrs so i no how your feeling and thinking the samething. I started going to naranon and seeing how that works for me. Dont have any answers but wanted to say Im sorry your going thru this too. And your not alone.
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Old 11-17-2014, 03:38 AM
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I completely understand where you're coming from. My ABFs doc was heroin...and I dealt with all the lies, manipulation and heartache for two years before I just couldn't take it anymore. I love him to death and I want nothing more than for him to be back home but the toll it took on me and my son it just can't be.
My BF has been gone almost two weeks and right now im still learning to stand my ground. I wish I could offer more insight but I wanted to tell you...you are not alone!
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Old 11-17-2014, 09:31 AM
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Thank you XxWhiteDovexX and jodigrind11 for your replies. I can already see he's trying to keep me in the situation, telling me he still loves me and considers us married; he kept sending me messages asking if I'm seeing someone else, he needs to hear from me at least once a day to know that I still care. I told him I will speak to him when he's clean and I know it's him.
One problem is we have a house, I've been told I should get the locks changed but I don't think I'm legally permitted to do this. He has come home on one occasion when I wasn't here, and I found evidence that he used. He clearly still views this house as a safety net.
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Old 11-17-2014, 11:33 AM
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Lizzy, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Changing the locks and checking with a lawyer what your rights and legal obligations in this situation are is a very good idea. If you don't have access to a lawyer women shelters or the YWCA / YMCA often have resources available.

Nobody here will tell you to leave or stay with your husband, take your time to figure things out.
What you might want to do now though is finding out how to protect yourself legally and financially. It sounds like your husband might be consuming illegal substances in your home, or make debts that you don't know about, but might become reliable for.
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:17 PM
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Hi lizzy, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I was recently in a relationship with an addict. He too was hiding it from me and everyone else. Soooo many secrets and lies. He was living a double life. I had no problem kicking him out of the house when I discovered it. Living with active addiction would never be an option to me. Your home is your sanctuary.

It seems like you are sticking to your bottom line but he will keep pushing that line. I no longer speak to my ex-bf but whenever I get sad and miss him, I think about all of the horrible things he did to me while using - countless lies, a secret life, manipulation, theft, using my car as an illegal taxi service!!!! And then coming home and cooking dinner and acting like life was totally normal. He also told me he wanted to get clean and started a recovery plan that I am pretty sure he had no intention of sticking with.

I agree with the other posts advising you to seek professional advice regarding your rights. I have found Nar-Anon to be extremely helpful. If you don't have meetings nearby you can check out Al-Anon. It is critical that you protect yourself during this time.
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:19 PM
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Hi 9111111, he is creating debt that I am worried about. I'm hoping I can convince him to play nicely so that we don't have to turn this into a war, that's not what I want. Thank you for your advice, I will definitely look into it.
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Old 11-17-2014, 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted by lizzy1988 View Post
Hi 9111111, he is creating debt that I am worried about. I'm hoping I can convince him to play nicely so that we don't have to turn this into a war, that's not what I want. Thank you for your advice, I will definitely look into it.
The problem with hoping he will "play nice" is that you can't really trust him to do what he says he will. My ex kept promising every month to send money so that I wouldn't file for child support. When I finally did file, I lost out on nearly a year's worth of support payments because I believed his promises and the law won't let you backdate beyond the date of filing.
Protecting yourself financially and legally is not turning things into a war. If he chooses to take it that way, it's his problem.
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Old 11-17-2014, 01:14 PM
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Welcome to the Board. I'm a little bit late getting to this, but I'd like to respond to your post now.

but he is a master manipulator and I need all the help I can get.
He's not unique in that regard. Those in active alcoholism and addiction excel at manipulation. The good news here is you know this. But what you need to be aware of is he'll take advantage of this:

Even though after everything he has done to me, I still desire him in my life, and I love him so much...
And he'll attempt to squirm his way back into your life by promising to be on his best behavior, seek treatment, etc., etc. etc. And he will behave for a short term. But only for a short term. He'd be back to his old self before long.

Most people would think I'm crazy.
Crazy isn't the word I would use. That's too harsh. But when you make decisions despite knowing what you know to be true, that's a form of denial. And denial is our biggest impediment when we're trying to get back on our feet.

Sometimes we have to accept that we can love someone and not be with them. Romantic love isn't a life sentence.

Anyways, my hope is you take advantage of the support and experience our members share with you. It will save your sanity, if you allow it to.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 11-17-2014, 02:44 PM
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You and your husband are in my prayers today. May the Lord give you His wisdom and guidance.
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