Hammer

Ok, I follow you are sincere on this.

Here is where some / many of us start in.

He, He, He, or Him, Him, Him . . . . or like in *our* case(s), maybe She, She, She, or Her, Her, Her.

When I went in my first real Alanon meeting, after Mrs. Hammer relapsed, I was going on about Mrs. Hammer this, Mrs. Hammer that (see the first posting in this thread for a typical sample . . . most of us come in about the same.)

The Grand Dame let me go for a few minutes, and then stopped me and said something that was as true now, as it was then:

"[Hammer], [Mrs. Hammer] is NOT your problem."

She was correct. And it is/was true on a couple of levels.

1) The A is the A's own problem -- Not ours. AND

2) I am my own problem.

===========

If that does not make sense, maybe consider the Serenity Prayer?

"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,"

[for *us* that would be our A's, right?]

"courage to change the things we can,"

[again for *us*, that would be us]

"and wisdom to know the difference."

[and figuring that is our path to wisdom. Fair Enough?]

Not fully yet so, but it appears on the way, but I am letting her crash herself, and destroy her own family by her own hand. In our case, we/she is not *just* dealing with Alcohol or Addiction, per se, but rather a severe, inherited Mental Illness. Sort of an Emotional Dysregulation, often called "Borderline" or "Borderline Traits."

Thread here if you want the background >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html


After I became devout into Alanon, and would not play the "Let's Go Crazy" Game anymore, she went around telling all sorts of Crazy Lies to validate her behavior, and when the truth came around she creates more and deeper lies.

sample of that stuff here >>>

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-children.html

We have been off income during her Crazy bouts, another time while she forced us homeless, again while she was at Rehab, on and on.

But no, like you say, she is no source of income to the household whatsoever, even though she is now working and making more than me, and she operates primarily as sort of a "bum" or "leech," not assisting on Rent, Utilities or even half the food, even though now she is making more than I am.

Like I say, above, I have had runs of up to a month at a time, and figure that is prep and run-up for the future. She is about due for another full break-down, suicide claims, and all the rest of the Drama nonsense. We have minor cycles every six months or so, with a major every couple of years.

In my case, she may, she may not, but as Alanon has taught me -- NOT MY PROBLEM.

In my case, I figure she is her own worse enemy. She knows the path out. Honesty. She is a Therapist in this field. She has been around AA for years. Even illiterate folks can understand the opening paragraph of Chapter 5, How it Works.

Everyone's path is different. In my case I had to make sure the kids had a stable home. She wants to move about every 6 months to a year. Per the NAMI guidelines, I (as the Sane Parent) had to put a stop to that.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html

So she has come back with a custody lawsuit trying to seize our house. That collapsed backwards on her, and now she is supposed to move out. Oh well.

There is always hope, huh? I would say my kids are more like me, and sort of follow the Alanon Slogan -- "Take what you like and leave the rest." Or our household slogan -- "Mom may go crazy, but we do not go with her."

Like I say, everyone's path is there own and different. Principles are what remain constant.

And like this long winded side track started with -- A guiding Principle is KIDS ARE THE #1 PRIORITY.