I'm torn to between trying to find my missing AH and scared for his safety and also being scared for the safety of my girls and I. It's so conflicting isn't it? But the physical and emotional safety of my girls must come first regardless of how we wish things were.
I keep trying to remind myself I love a man that no longer exists. I married a person, not cocaine or meth but those things are who he's become. He no longer is my husband in any way, shape or form. He really died a couple years ago when he started on this path. That's the person I love and miss, not who he is now. I just keep telling myself that over and over and over. Sooner or later, it's bound to sink in.
We are just at the beginning of this, learning about addiction and dealing with the end of my marriage. I'm trying to treat this as if my AH has died. Just grieve and get what help I need to move on. Some days will be better than others.
So here we are feeling a lot like you are. Your not alone out there. There is one thread after another on SR to attest to that. He can only help himself and he has to choose to do that on his own. You have to go on with your life. Get help to do that. None of this is your fault. I'm starting Nar - Anon on Monday. Maybe also try to contact a domestic violence center for counseling. Many offer free one on one counseling and/or groups to help you cope with what your going through. Prayers for your peace of mind