I've been wondering myself. My AH is now missing. I'm ball of anxiety worrying about his health and for my kids and I worried maybe we are in some type of danger in his current state of mind. I can't know though ever what's really in his head and unless he's ever clean again, I doubt he could tell me since it appears an addict can't have a logical or rational thought. I think I just partially or fully answered our question. The only goal for them is to get their fix. That's it. Doesn't matter who it hurts or what the consequences, they must get it. So I can't imagine they are happy even once they do get what they are craving. They hurt everyone they love and give up everything they once had for one goal only of staying in the addiction cycle. I know my husband is miserable and I believe now that I have some hindsight, he is more than aware of his anger, that he's really sick, that he's an addict, that he suffers from deep shame. He's financially ruined us, been verbally abusive, has disappointed us and abandoned us. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. But I know he's not happy with himself or what he's doing. He just can't stop it. I'm going to lose my husband to this. I'm divorcing him but I really believe now that he's missing and he's out there somewhere with an untreated heart condition, I'm really just preparing for when I get the news, that it's soon a matter of time that he will die. I think he knows that too. It doesn't matter to him though. He's lost everything now so to him, his misery will be over just that much sooner if he continues on this path.