Change,
Sounds to me like you need outside help ASAP. I think I know what your talking about, about not wanting to go back into a hospital. For me at least, going back meant I had to admit to myself that I messed up again, and I'm my own worst critic. Than I started thinking, why go back, I've been there before and know everything about the program. I wouldn't learn anything new anyway. All this just made me my worst enemy. Obviously I didn't learn everything I needed to learn. I missed something, or maybe I just wasn't ready.
The last time I went through what your going through, I remember sitting on my couch scared to death of what was going to happen to me, but still determined to tough it out. I thing Devine Intervention stepped in when someone that was concerned about me called and convinced me to to back to a hospital. The doctor at that hospital then referred me to an IOP program.
The reason I'm sharing this Change is that I'm convinced I wouldn't be here today if that did not happen. I was at one on the worst places in my life at that time. I don't want to even think of what might of happened or what I would of done to end the misery.
Please try to be strong, and get the help you know you both need and deserve.
John