I'm so sorry you've been struggling, Aussie.
You are on my heart and in my prayers.
For me, I've found that the longer I go without drinking, the less my anxiety flares. When I first came to SR, I had extreme driving anxiety and couldn't even drive outside of my own town. Now I drive all the time all over the midwest.
AA has really helped me, too. The principles and steps are designed to not just help me to avoid alcohol, but to empower me to live a happy, emotionally healthy life. Yesterday was a bit rough for me, for example, and I had a bit of a pity party. Dh and I are staying at a friend's bed and breakfast right now up north with some other neighbors, having a bit of a reunion of sorts. And guess what they've been doing all weekend? I've been okay with being around them drinking ... I brought a bunch of diet soda for me and some junk food (anticipating that's I'd want a treat, too), but then yesterday they went wine-tasting. I chose to not go, because not only would I be surrounded by alcohol, but it would honestly be the TOPIC of conversation. So, I stayed all alone at the B&B ... for 5 hours. And it was COLD - not matter how many blankets I wrapped up in, I couldn't get warm. And they didn't think to leave me any food, so I didn't eat for 10 hours between breakfast and dinner and was stupid-hungry. I was all alone all day (and I thrive on socialization), reading my book and checking fb (which I could have done in my own house). And then, when they got home, we ate dinner and they pulled out more bourbon and watched a football game on tv. I have no interest in football. We had talked about going out and doing karaoke, which I was looking forward to, but it never happened. All that led to me feeling down and sorry for myself.
But I know that now. And I know that's a fault of mine, which I can choose to work toward making better. I was even a little teary, but I didn't want to let them know and spoil their fun, so I finally went up to my room and called a dear AA friend. I have soooo much to be grateful for, and she helped me to focus on that. The world doesn't have to cater to me, as if it doesn't enough already. I am the one in charge of my own happiness. I ended up going to bed early, and I do feel better today.
And ... in the midst of all that, my college daughter also had a really, really bad night. She called me crying several times, needing Mommy to love her and support her and even asking for my advice (she even used that word!) on some things she was dealing with. If I'd drank, I'd have been useless to her. I probably wouldn't have even heard the phone, let alone been about to get outside myself enough to be there for her. How many times did she need me in the past and I was passed out? Selfishly focusing on myself and getting my high? I'm so so so so grateful and humbled that she never gave up on me, and that today I can be there for her.
There's a little church across the street and I plan to go sit in on their service a bit later. That will make me happy.
