carmen303....there is no way to put it that won't make him "mad and hate you".
You have to be willing to lose the other person, if necessary. When it comes to addictions---it is most likely that the (drink, in this case) will win out if the person is not in recovery. To the practicing alcoholic-- being able to drink without impunity and keeping their enablers, to boot, is the first priority.
He is going to do what he is going to do. One way, or another. Of course, one option is to "set him free"----and, wait to see what he is going to do (get sober and begin recovering). that will take about 1 to 2 years to get a solid feel if his recovery is "authentic", or not. He will either get better or get worse. It won't stay exactly the same.
You don't want to say that "it is over".....but, you don't want to keep going like this either (taking your own words). This puts you in a sort of suspended limbo, emotionally.....because you are not in control of him! Your happy outcome--the way you see it--is dependent on him stopping drinking. His happy outcome--the way he sees it--is dependent on being able to drink and have you to fall into line with that.
The two of you are not on the same page.
As for the "stages"....you will have to rely on the textbook descriptions---because I put those away long ago....except as a crude measuring stick....It looks to me that he is pretty far along in the mid stages....but, not yet in the really most advanced stage. Since you INSIST on "knowing"...LOL....as a general ball park---it will take him 6mo. to 2yrs. to recover from the most visible mental and physical symptoms that he is showing, now. The inner changes of thinking and attitude and behaviors will take very intensive work on his part and will be a few months to the rest of his life to display. It is a life long endeavor of working on himself. (alcoholism is not cured--but, it can be arrested by sobriety and recovery work).
Carmen--these are general statements--taken from the top of my head--based on my life-long experience. Since you still have so much l earning to do about alcoholism and co-dependency (and your own self)....I am just trying to "ballpark" a few things for you.
I do hope that you are reading lots of the thousands of stories by the others on this forum. It is all in there...LOL!
Something that would be very good for you to read (today!): Go the the "stickies" at the top of this main page....scroll down to near the bottom, to the one labeled "classics".
Find the one titled: "10 ways to know when your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". that is an enormously helpful measuring tool--in my opinion.
It is great to keep learning--I advocate that, actually. However, I do maintain that you have to be willing to let him go. This is so hard to face, I know--because we all have abandonment fears to some extent. Co-dependents usually have an extra big dose of it.
dandylion