AF.... I could have written that post. I grew up in a violent house. I understand what it means to be invisible. I often think I still am. Daily I have to remind myself that I have something to contribute.
I go to a group therapy session every week. I was just asked what makes me happy. I had no idea how to answer that since I have no sense that I deserve anything. I ask for nothing and don't know how in many situations.
I spend time learning to look at myself in the mirror and speak out loud good things about myself. Remind myself that I have value and can be seen.
When it came to stopping drug and drinking I could never find enough reason to save myself. I could offer nothing of value to anyone. More so nothing of value to myself.
I struggle daily with these feelings. But I want to be sure you know that it is possible for people that have these overwhelming emotions connected with being beat, demeaned, mentally torchered and neglected.
I want you to know I am sober. I won't drink again. Being drunk made these emotions so much more intense. In order to get here I used every ounce I had to not pay attention to them and focus on not drinking. I worked through the emotions and after being sober for a short while it got easier. Easier for me to see that these feelings are part of me. They won't go away. But that I don't have to go with them. When they tell me one thing I can choose to do nothing about them. Wait for them to pass. That could take days sometimes. But they always... Always do... And so I continue not drinking.
Life has become so much better for me. I still feel invisible. I shared a picture of me from a long while ago at work and just the acknowledgment of my coworkers made me feel funny. Like wow.... They can see me. Sounds strange but i think you might get what I mean.
Being sober is possible and is a choice you can make. Make it and don't look back.
Ken