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Caring enough about yourself to quit

Old 11-06-2014, 06:45 AM
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Caring enough about yourself to quit

I think it is essential to have a core sense of self to be able to have the strength to quit. I struggle with this... the foundation that was laid in my childhood still effects me today. Primarily low self esteem. I grew up in a very violent household - physically, mentally and emotionally violent. My coping mechanism was to "disappear" or act as though nothing bothered me and that I needed nothing. So, over the years I have neglected my own needs out of necessity and habit. My counselor asked me what I need and I could not even articulate it. That was a light bulb moment.

I know intellectually that I need to stop drinking, but deep down, I almost feel like I don't care enough about myself to quit. And without that, it makes it very hard to get to that place where you know you MUST quit. Make sense??
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Old 11-06-2014, 06:52 AM
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Oh, you make PERFECT sense to me! I grew up in a volatile household with parents that were verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive. I struggle with codependency & self worth/esteem issues. It's hard for me to put myself first & actually believe that I deserve the best. I get it, I really do.
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Old 11-06-2014, 06:52 AM
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Absolutely makes sense, ArtFriend, as sobriety you do for yourself.

I hope you learn to see yourself the way we do - wonderful and worth every promise sobriety offers.
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:02 AM
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Leigh...you are so sweet. Thank you.
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:08 AM
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I know these feelings well. Artfriend, you are worth saving.
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:16 AM
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Wow, I could have said the exact same thing. I relate completely--I remember vividly how horrified my cousins were once when they were there when my parents fought but I was like, What's the matter? There are like six closets in this house we can hide in, we're fine, don't make a fuss, why are you crying? I worry about the impulse to hide and deny I'm feeling anything. I gotcha.

I have no actual advice other than ... Hang in there! Maybe you'll find you while staying sober? That's what I hope to do.

(Eta phrase "while staying sober," because apparently I can't type complete thoughts on the first try)
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:38 AM
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I have a memory from when I was very small that stays with me today. My parents were fighting and my father grabbed a pair of scissors and sliced open my mom's arm. We were all hiding terrified. Anyway, after it all settled, my dad left the house like he always did and did not come back for days on end, my mother picked me up and gave me my nightly bath. She was in shock...hair all over her face, blood dripping off her arm into the bath water. Her eyes were blank... she was just on auto-pilot. I remember asking her why she didn't fix her boo-boo instead of giving me a bath. She just said something like she'd be OK and not to worry. First lesson in not taking care of yourself. Very traumatic.
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
I have a memory from when I was very small that stays with me today. My parents were fighting and my father grabbed a pair of scissors and sliced open my mom's arm. We were all hiding terrified. Anyway, after it all settled, my dad left the house like he always did and did not come back for days on end, my mother picked me up and gave me my nightly bath. She was in shock...hair all over her face, blood dripping off her arm into the bath water. Her eyes were blank... she was just on auto-pilot. I remember asking her why she didn't fix her boo-boo instead of giving me a bath. She just said something like she'd be OK and not to worry. First lesson in not taking care of yourself. Very traumatic.
What a tragic memory . . . . ((((ArtFriend))))).
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Old 11-06-2014, 08:50 AM
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ArtFriend, I grew up in a similar situation. I completely shut down at a young age. It took everything I had just to survive. I had nothing left over to care for myself or anyone else really.

Have faith that you can figure this out and move through it. Counselling is a great idea and I wish I had done that. ArtFriend, you deserve a good life.
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:00 AM
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Would you care to share how you came to grips with your past Anna?? You stopped drinking many years ago...so you must have a "secret"
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
I know intellectually that I need to stop drinking, but deep down, I almost feel like I don't care enough about myself to quit.
You care enough about yourself to address health issues (see your previous posts about medical scares). So I think something else is preventing you from quitting.

I don't doubt there are a whole bunch of things you've accomplished. A crappy childhood and self esteem issues didn't prevent success in those matters. So why should those things be a barrier to sobriety. The answer: they shouldn't.
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:38 AM
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I will try to explain, because something definitely changed.

I held it together and didn't drink at all until my mid-forties. It was simply pasting on the face every morning, like I had all my life, and going out to work, look after my children, etc., and feeling lost and alone. I started to fall apart at that time, spent a few years drinking, becoming an instant alcoholic. So, I was SO LOW when I stopped drinking. My children were grown, my husband travelled a lot and I knew that I had to find a purpose for my life. As has always been the case for me, I found a book which took me by the hand, helped me find my soul's purpose in life and to believe in my self-worth. "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav showed me the way. He is a recovering addict, extremely kind, gentle and loving, which was exactly what 'I' needed.
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Old 11-06-2014, 09:47 AM
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I feel that part of the problem with alcoholism is that it tears down your inhibitions, so you care less about the consequences of many things, including taking care of yourself and maintaining a positive outlook on life. For myself, the more I drank, the less I cared about my personal well-being and my, I suppose, "reputation" amongst other people. It kind of gave me tunnel vision, like my brain was programmed in a way that cared only about alcohol and everything else was secondary. So really, I feel it is difficult to properly care about yourself if you're in the midst of alcohol addiction, because the disease doesn't lend itself to this ability at all. It's only after I gave up drinking that I was able to realistically move towards taking care of myself.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
I know intellectually that I need to stop drinking, but deep down, I almost feel like I don't care enough about myself to quit. And without that, it makes it very hard to get to that place where you know you MUST quit. Make sense??
I am so sorry about all you had to go through, some of your posts were very hard to read.

I can't say that I relate to all you went through. But in regards to this specific quote, it really speaks to me. I need to be sober for my mom, who is showing decline, and will likely need me. I need to be sober for my close friends, who have expressed some concern about my drinking. I need to be sober for my sister, who relies on me as a brother and friend. But when it gets to simply needing to be sober for me, it's like I hit a road block. I have trouble of thinking of myself as valuable... you know? And that's been such a consistent theme in my losing battle with alcoholism. And I didn't totally realize that until your post.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I will try to explain, because something definitely changed.

I held it together and didn't drink at all until my mid-forties. It was simply pasting on the face every morning, like I had all my life, and going out to work, look after my children, etc., and feeling lost and alone. I started to fall apart at that time, spent a few years drinking, becoming an instant alcoholic. So, I was SO LOW when I stopped drinking. My children were grown, my husband travelled a lot and I knew that I had to find a purpose for my life. As has always been the case for me, I found a book which took me by the hand, helped me find my soul's purpose in life and to believe in my self-worth. "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukav showed me the way. He is a recovering addict, extremely kind, gentle and loving, which was exactly what 'I' needed.
Thanks for sharing that Anna... I am going to check out that book. You know, I hardly drank either until my mid 40s. I drank socially, you know, a glass or two of wine. I was "afraid" of developing a drinking problem because it runs so deep in my family. But, when my sister died on 9/11 (I was 43) that is when I really picked up the habit big time. And it has continued on that way until now.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Scram View Post
I am so sorry about all you had to go through, some of your posts were very hard to read.
Thank you... I am sorry they disturb you. I am just trying to make a point.

Originally Posted by Scram View Post
I can't say that I relate to all you went through. But in regards to this specific quote, it really speaks to me. I need to be sober for my mom, who is showing decline, and will likely need me. I need to be sober for my close friends, who have expressed some concern about my drinking. I need to be sober for my sister, who relies on me as a brother and friend. But when it gets to simply needing to be sober for me, it's like I hit a road block. I have trouble of thinking of myself as valuable... you know? And that's been such a consistent theme in my losing battle with alcoholism. And I didn't totally realize that until your post.
Yes... I know what you mean. I guess we need to work on feeling worthy enough to be sober for ourselves alone.
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Old 11-06-2014, 10:46 AM
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I think that makes a lot of sense.. I relate in a way too- I think when we are conditioned as children that we are a ''bother'' to some extent, we grow up w/o the self-love we all should have..and can cause us to do self-destructive things to escape pain..even when we know we are hurting ourselves..
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Old 11-06-2014, 11:18 AM
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AF.... I could have written that post. I grew up in a violent house. I understand what it means to be invisible. I often think I still am. Daily I have to remind myself that I have something to contribute.

I go to a group therapy session every week. I was just asked what makes me happy. I had no idea how to answer that since I have no sense that I deserve anything. I ask for nothing and don't know how in many situations.

I spend time learning to look at myself in the mirror and speak out loud good things about myself. Remind myself that I have value and can be seen.

When it came to stopping drug and drinking I could never find enough reason to save myself. I could offer nothing of value to anyone. More so nothing of value to myself.

I struggle daily with these feelings. But I want to be sure you know that it is possible for people that have these overwhelming emotions connected with being beat, demeaned, mentally torchered and neglected.

I want you to know I am sober. I won't drink again. Being drunk made these emotions so much more intense. In order to get here I used every ounce I had to not pay attention to them and focus on not drinking. I worked through the emotions and after being sober for a short while it got easier. Easier for me to see that these feelings are part of me. They won't go away. But that I don't have to go with them. When they tell me one thing I can choose to do nothing about them. Wait for them to pass. That could take days sometimes. But they always... Always do... And so I continue not drinking.

Life has become so much better for me. I still feel invisible. I shared a picture of me from a long while ago at work and just the acknowledgment of my coworkers made me feel funny. Like wow.... They can see me. Sounds strange but i think you might get what I mean.

Being sober is possible and is a choice you can make. Make it and don't look back.

Ken
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Old 11-06-2014, 11:30 AM
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Thank you Ken! I appreciate you taking the time to relay your story. I admire your strength and honesty. And I am understanding that I need to quit drinking to feel better rather than trying to feel better so I can quit drinking.
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Old 11-06-2014, 01:47 PM
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You must be my long lost sister Artfriend. I had the exact same child. I read a book one time that said you have to forgive your past to able to move on.
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