Wow, I could have said the exact same thing. I relate completely--I remember vividly how horrified my cousins were once when they were there when my parents fought but I was like, What's the matter? There are like six closets in this house we can hide in, we're fine, don't make a fuss, why are you crying? I worry about the impulse to hide and deny I'm feeling anything. I gotcha.
I have no actual advice other than ... Hang in there! Maybe you'll find you while staying sober? That's what I hope to do.
(Eta phrase "while staying sober," because apparently I can't type complete thoughts on the first try)