I had a history not so much of abusive relationships, at least, not until the last few years - more a question of trying very, very hard with guys who just weren't interested.
I, too, have had a lot of therapy and come a long way. I was still having **** relationships with men, though.
I found that attending Alanon meetings touched the parts that all the therapy didn't reach. I had a brief relationship since breaking up with my alcoholic ex-partner, but realised the guy, although very pleasant, was still far too involved emotionally with his ex to be available to me. Instead of hanging on in there, eating my heart out, I shared my thoughts and we parted amicably. There's no way my younger self would have managed that!
If I found myself setting out rules for when I would or wouldn't be available to a man, I'd think that maybe I'd got this back to front. My first concern would be to have a full, rich life with or without a man. If I met someone I'd hope that we had common interests, and that there would be activities we could share without either of us losing our identity. Those might or might not be in 'permitted' time.
If I found myself deliberately building in distance, I'd think maybe I wasn't ready for this relationship - if life is already rich and busy, the time apart would arise naturally.
If my guts are telling me something's off, they're right - though sometimes it might take a little while to work out what it is. Intuition works far more quickly than so-called 'rational' thinking.
OP - it sounds as though your intuition is quite firmly in place. The really big thing for you will be listening to it, and ignoring the voice of wishful thinking!