My life is quickly changing
I'm having a hard time, and I just need somebody to assure me I'm doing the right thing. I'm a 25 year old with a great job, great family...and a drug addict (ex) bf.
I wrote on here a little while ago about my (ex) boyfriend. He is a heroin addict, has anger issues, and has really changed since he began doing heroin. I realized that I kinda blame myself since the first time we broke up, he started taking pain meds, and I don't know if that's because we broke up, but I really think it has a lot to do with it.
Anyway, since the last time I posted, he has been going to a methadone clinic, and while I give him a lot of credit for this, he needs more than that. Anger management, life goals, a steady job, etc. His counselor is a great guy and even talked to me a lot about what to expect, etc.
Well, i've been feeling really weird for the past few months and when I went to get a pregnancy test, I saw that it was positive. Long story short, I've been pregnant for 24 weeks today. Therefore, my boyfriend and I weren't together at that time (we were on a break for about 6 months because of the drugs/anger), and it's not his. He is distraught, while tbh, I am quite relieved. He told me he still wanted to take care of the baby with me...move in with me...start a family. I couldn't. This baby is now dependent on me and I know he/she is better off in a household free of drugs. Therefore, I opted to move out of my apartment in a couple months and move back in with my parents to save money/start raising the child. My family is being extremely supportive, and I can tell you that that wouldn't be the case if the baby ended up being his baby.
I found out I was pregnant Oct 24, and since I went to the dr and found out how far along I've been, he has begged/put me down/cursed me out/begged ....etc in cycles. He basically thinks I am stupid for not accepting his offer of being father to this baby...and doesn't realize why he needs to fix himself and worry about himself. I told him at first that he had to prove himself...but I realized that he doesnt have enough time to do that. The baby is already 24 weeks and 3 months is not going to be long enough for him to prove he can be sober, not have anger problems, be trustworthy and stop compulsively lying. His therapist said I am making a good decision. My ex keeps telling me that I'm never going to find a guy who wants to date a single 25 year old mom...etc. Which hurts...but still.
I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. But it's so hard. I feel like he's my addiction and I'm dependent on him. I feel guilty for leaving him in the dust after 5 years of being on and off and truly thinking he was my forever.
The only thing keeping me from going back to him is that I know I'm doing the right thing for my child. I could never make someone else, especially my child, deal with him, just because I think it's ok for me to do so.
It's just hard because I have a few months until the baby is born, and I'm still in the process of getting over the person who I believed was the love of my life. whether he was or wasnt, he was my boyfriend, and a part of my life for the past 5 years, and It is so difficult to just drop everything. I'm doing it, and I have to. It's just hard. especially since I'm living alone until I move back in with my parents.
Since a lot of his contact with me in the past has been mean things or "please come back" kinds of things posted on fb and instragram, I have vowed for my baby's sake and health (since it stresses me out) that I wouldn't look at either of those things during this pregnancy. I've been doing well with that. No way am I going to go back on that.
I guess I'm just sad. Because this should be a happy time and it is! but it's also like, once he's in my thoughts...it's hard to not think about the good times, even though they are few and have long gaps because of all the **** we have been in. Thoughts? Help?