My life is quickly changing

Old 11-05-2014, 03:57 PM
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My life is quickly changing

I'm having a hard time, and I just need somebody to assure me I'm doing the right thing. I'm a 25 year old with a great job, great family...and a drug addict (ex) bf.

I wrote on here a little while ago about my (ex) boyfriend. He is a heroin addict, has anger issues, and has really changed since he began doing heroin. I realized that I kinda blame myself since the first time we broke up, he started taking pain meds, and I don't know if that's because we broke up, but I really think it has a lot to do with it.

Anyway, since the last time I posted, he has been going to a methadone clinic, and while I give him a lot of credit for this, he needs more than that. Anger management, life goals, a steady job, etc. His counselor is a great guy and even talked to me a lot about what to expect, etc.

Well, i've been feeling really weird for the past few months and when I went to get a pregnancy test, I saw that it was positive. Long story short, I've been pregnant for 24 weeks today. Therefore, my boyfriend and I weren't together at that time (we were on a break for about 6 months because of the drugs/anger), and it's not his. He is distraught, while tbh, I am quite relieved. He told me he still wanted to take care of the baby with me...move in with me...start a family. I couldn't. This baby is now dependent on me and I know he/she is better off in a household free of drugs. Therefore, I opted to move out of my apartment in a couple months and move back in with my parents to save money/start raising the child. My family is being extremely supportive, and I can tell you that that wouldn't be the case if the baby ended up being his baby.

I found out I was pregnant Oct 24, and since I went to the dr and found out how far along I've been, he has begged/put me down/cursed me out/begged ....etc in cycles. He basically thinks I am stupid for not accepting his offer of being father to this baby...and doesn't realize why he needs to fix himself and worry about himself. I told him at first that he had to prove himself...but I realized that he doesnt have enough time to do that. The baby is already 24 weeks and 3 months is not going to be long enough for him to prove he can be sober, not have anger problems, be trustworthy and stop compulsively lying. His therapist said I am making a good decision. My ex keeps telling me that I'm never going to find a guy who wants to date a single 25 year old mom...etc. Which hurts...but still.

I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. But it's so hard. I feel like he's my addiction and I'm dependent on him. I feel guilty for leaving him in the dust after 5 years of being on and off and truly thinking he was my forever.

The only thing keeping me from going back to him is that I know I'm doing the right thing for my child. I could never make someone else, especially my child, deal with him, just because I think it's ok for me to do so.

It's just hard because I have a few months until the baby is born, and I'm still in the process of getting over the person who I believed was the love of my life. whether he was or wasnt, he was my boyfriend, and a part of my life for the past 5 years, and It is so difficult to just drop everything. I'm doing it, and I have to. It's just hard. especially since I'm living alone until I move back in with my parents.

Since a lot of his contact with me in the past has been mean things or "please come back" kinds of things posted on fb and instragram, I have vowed for my baby's sake and health (since it stresses me out) that I wouldn't look at either of those things during this pregnancy. I've been doing well with that. No way am I going to go back on that.

I guess I'm just sad. Because this should be a happy time and it is! but it's also like, once he's in my thoughts...it's hard to not think about the good times, even though they are few and have long gaps because of all the **** we have been in. Thoughts? Help?
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Old 11-05-2014, 05:21 PM
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I think you are wise to put what is good for your child first and it's great you have your family support to back you up.

He may be on methadone and trying to get/stay clean. .but he called you stupid and is not respecting your right to decide what is best for your child and you...that's selfish and a big red flag, from where I sit.

The more you work on yourself and set up a good situation for your child, I think it will become clear that this man is not good father material but just someone who wants to be in control.

I hope you find some peace with this soon.

Hugs
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Old 11-05-2014, 07:05 PM
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Thoughts? Help?
Yes. This made me laugh:

He basically thinks I am stupid for not accepting his offer of being father to this baby...
Such is the total, utter lack of self awareness on his part. If the context wasn't so serious, this would be hysterically funny.

As for "serious" thoughts.

Lose him. Ditch him. Get rid of him. Change your number. Block him on social media and email. And don't look back. Your health and that of your baby comes first, and having the likes of your opiate addict ex in your life is not conducive for you health or your baby's.

And don't look back.

Congratulations. I know this wasn't planned, but whenever we get a chance to bring little ones into the world is a gift.
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Old 11-05-2014, 07:26 PM
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I'm so sorry.
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Old 11-05-2014, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by ksid View Post
My ex keeps telling me that I'm never going to find a guy who wants to date a single 25 year old mom...etc. Which hurts...but still.
My son is 29 and his girlfriend is a 30 year old mom of two beautiful little girls. My son is a full partner in our business and gradually assuming ownership as he nudges his stubborn never-gonna-quit-until-he-dies father out the door.

My son is thinking about marrying her. He said he'd never just 'live together' because he couldn't do that to her girls. Those little girls adore him and he'll formally adopt them if they become a family.

I like and respect his girlfriend. More than anything else, she won me over when she wouldn't let her daughters and my son meet, until they had been dating for several months.

ksid, my whole point is respect, protect, and love yourself, your baby. Good things will happen with a solid foundation
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Old 11-05-2014, 08:40 PM
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and I'm still in the process of getting over the person who I believed was the love of my life.
We all know that your little baby will be the love of you life and you need to protect him or her from the life you would have with the ex. Prayers and hugs to you.
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Old 11-05-2014, 08:43 PM
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Thank you so much everyone. I guess when I'm going through this alone, it's hard to look at it and be like "This is easy to understand". But hearing everyone's responses helps me SO MUCH. so thank you.

I agree that he is only looking for control. That's a big problem he has...and doesn't admit to, so it brings me relief to hear someone say it just from a short explanation of the current situation.

Zoso77 - I agree... it's actually pretty crazy/quite sad if he truly believes this. What's even crazier, is that when I wasn't positive it wasn't his child...before I went to the dr and found out how far along I was, I explained that regardless of whether the baby is his or not, he still needs to prove himself to be a part of the child's life. He told me that if I didn't allow him to see his child he would somehow tell the child the truth, that I didn't allow him in his or her life... because he is a drug addict and liar with anger problems. He said this as if to tell me that the child would be upset and think I was wrong for this. It really does show his lack of self - awareness. I also know that this is probably due to the fact that he has such minimal emotional development in his life. I believe he stopped emotionally developing when he started getting more into the drugs, or even sooner. I agree that the best thing I can do is disengage and leave him out of my life. Thank you for being so blunt about it, and telling me exactly what that means.

Chino- Thank you. This helped a lot. I know that I am super excited about the baby, and most of the time I don't concern myself with the nontraditional way I'm starting my life/family (baby before husband)...but I guess at times I do get worried that this will get in the way of my meeting someone who is as great as your son sounds. It's nice to know that a normal level-headed guy isn't dismissing a relationship with someone simply because she is a single mother.


All in all, a big thanks to everyone on here. I really didn't have anyone to vent to, with the exception of his family members, and that isn't going to help me cut him out of my life... so I was keeping it inside, or questioning whether I should let him know how i feel. Instead, venting to you guys, and gaining some insight, has really helped me. Thanks. I am going to keep trying to be stress free and happy about this, because I know it's a wonderful gift, and a baby chose me to be his or her mom. (the dr says she would bet money its a girl). And I know I'm not gonna make my baby suffer because I decide he/she deserves to be entangled in a web I weaved, due to my own issues/problems with getting too tangled in it.

Thanks <3
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Old 11-06-2014, 06:15 AM
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I guess I'm just sad. Because this should be a happy time and it is! but it's also like, once he's in my thoughts...it's hard to not think about the good times, even though they are few and have long gaps because of all the **** we have been in.
It is very hard when you remember the good qualities they had. I myself get wrapped up in that. I realize my ABF is not the man I fell in love with. This is someone else. It will be hard but you have a little blessing in your tummy. Try to concentrate on that.
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Old 11-06-2014, 06:49 AM
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You are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your baby. Not every person who comes into our lives needs to stay in our lives. And it's ok to have strong feelings for someone and NOT have them in our lives. You will work through those feelings and you will come to discover that YOU did not cause him to use drugs and there for,you are not his cure.

Stick with what you know is the best for you and your unborn baby and untangle yourself physically and emotionally from what you know is Un-healthy even if that means going no contact with this guy.
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Old 11-06-2014, 06:54 AM
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Your life has now changed, you have a baby to think about. You have to put that child first EVERY SINGLE TIME. You are correct, bringing up a child in a household with an addict is a terrible thing to expose them and yourself to. Please keep getting support from your family so you and your child have a chance at a happy and stable life.

God Bless!
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Old 11-06-2014, 07:35 AM
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Its a blessing in many ways, this little baby. Not being his, you are free to break ties that would probably bring much grief and instability into her/his and your life.

I commend you, on your protection of these precious lives..I would say, don't look back!

be happy and well, and congrats on this little miracle.
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