Thank all of you for your kind responses.
Zoso, you are too funny about your "mixed feelings" about my taking off work. Anyone has ever worked with adolescents all day long knows the intensity of their emotions and the nonstop being on the entire day a teacher has to perform.
Work is usually a great distractor, but I'm taking this week for ME to heal, get massages, go to therapy, read and pray. No skulking in the darkness for me. My merry go round last week was stuck in the lower depths of hell. I jumped off it last Friday.
Also, I am understanding more clearly how much I struggle with perfectionism and the idea that I can fix everyone's problems. The letting go of all the balls I juggle at work and delegating them has been freeing. Something has to give in all areas of my life and I need to get down off my cross. I remember a good friend's saying, "Get down off your cross! Someone else needs the wood."
djlook, your post gave me insight into how much blame my ASs father placed on me for ending the marriage. My ex is a very successful and high ranking government employee, but inside he has always been a wounded angry little boy. I think back on the male side of his family and I see death from alcoholism in a city park, narcissism, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and an overarching anger towards women. My AS has certainly thrown the "You LEFT Dad!" "You are a lesbian!" "You... You...You.." into the conversation many times over the years. But, I got in my lifeboat when I left that marriage, and I'm grateful that lifeboat came floating back to me 24 years later.
Tonight is my 2nd AlAnon meeting. Why has it taken me so long to go? Last week's meeting was so lovely. The kindness and nonjudgemental acceptance is something I want. I also want to soak up that kindness and nonjudgment and spread it back into the world.
We are all broken souls of the universe deserving of God's graces and love.
With compassion,
PeaceandGrace