Jumping off the merry go round

Old 10-27-2014, 05:22 PM
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Jumping off the merry go round

After sharing my AS's story of being at the end of the cattle trail with no money, no car, no job and no hope, I had a spiritual breakdown.
To make a long story short, I took two weeks off work. I'm a teacher and this is no mean feat! I went to see a therapist Friday, and had 50 minutes of enlightenment.
For the majority of his addicted life, which I'd guess to be 16 out of his 30 years, his father communicated with me minimally. I felt I could never get him to understand the depths of the problem. Well, in the past 6 months his father has somehow seen the light of his son's problems. I got right into the middle of it so we could BOTH save him.
This is insanity and I was drowning in the guilt, sublimated anger towards his father and anger at myself for letting down my carefully built boundaries.
I wrote his father an email Friday saying that I am out of the middle. If my AS wants to contact me, he has my phone number. But, I have no need to rescue him, continue to pay half of his car payment (how insane is THAT?) or worry myself about how he will survive.
I am free.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:08 PM
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P&G...

I admit, when I read your post, I had some mixed feelings about you taking two weeks off. Sometimes work can be a good distraction. But with that being said, I can also relate to not having the emotional bandwidth to deal with our day to day lives. And let's face it: your job is difficult.

So, take what you like and leave the rest.

Make sure the two weeks off is both restful and productive. Try to do some things that with nourish you mentally and emotionally. Make sure that you're taking care of yourself physically, too.

When you get back into the swing of things, make sure you set manageable goals and then build on that.

Please keep us posted as to how you are.
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Old 10-28-2014, 04:56 AM
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Hello, peaceandgrace.

Your story is my story. I've been divorced from my 37-year-old addicted son's father since he was 15 years old. Oh, my, the guilt I've suffered and put myself through. My current husband of 15 years said one day, "Honey, you did the best you could do under the circumstances." I really, really needed to hear that. My son's father was a practicing alcoholic with all kinds of other psychiatric diagnoses. He was a cruel, mean man. To this day he has untreated alcoholism.

I made amends to my ex-husband many years after I was in recovery. He never once took ownership for his part. Of course, the amends were for me, not him. It's been 23 years since the divorce and he still blames me for his sad, sad life.

A year ago I came to the same place you are with my ex and our son. I was still living in that emotional merry-go-round. I just couldn't do it anymore. I stopped communicating with him. Each time I'd talk with him about what we could do to help our son, our son could sense that and used it, of course, to manipulate both of us. I guess all the doing, saving, rescuing, enabling kept me from doing I needed to do, the tough thing, the compassionate thing for him, and that was letting go and letting God sort out the details of the terrible mess he's gotten himself into.

There's a pamphlet called "Alcoholism, the Merry-Go-Round Named Denial that really helped me. I still go back and read it off and on.

I also can identify with the subliminal anger you spoke about. I realize now that most times when I was talking with my son, even though I tried hard not to speak badly of him, that he was able to sense my own blaming his father, the unwillingness to forgive him. There are times when I think I've worked through that and then my son will pull something else and l still want to blame my ex. I am grateful to AlAnon and this recovery process because I've learned that it's all part of this family disease.

I've also learned during this recovery process that adversity is an opportunity to practice what I've learned. Not easy. I believe that because I'm trying the best I know today to live a spiritual life and try each day to solve my problems on a spiritual plane that it's going to feel awkward and I'm not going to do it perfectly, but I can make some progress if I don't give in or give up.

As I spoke of in an earlier post somewhere I looked up the word powerless and the definition of powerless is devoid of resources. I've used up all my resources, I'm drained, and I surrender. I let go and let God the best I know how just for today.

I still have you and your son in my prayers.
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Old 10-28-2014, 06:41 AM
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Good for you! I am glad you are taking some time to work on your own peace and healing.
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Old 10-28-2014, 07:03 AM
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Anger can be a good motivator; it helps us re-build our boundaries only stronger. As a mom dealing with my son’s alcohol issues I fully understand where you are at and how you got there, because I’ve traveled that same path.

There is nothing wrong with us getting into our own lifeboat and heading to shore, we can always go back for survivors. If your son choices recovery you can support his efforts from a stronger healthier place.

((hugs))
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Old 10-28-2014, 07:36 AM
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Thank all of you for your kind responses.

Zoso, you are too funny about your "mixed feelings" about my taking off work. Anyone has ever worked with adolescents all day long knows the intensity of their emotions and the nonstop being on the entire day a teacher has to perform.

Work is usually a great distractor, but I'm taking this week for ME to heal, get massages, go to therapy, read and pray. No skulking in the darkness for me. My merry go round last week was stuck in the lower depths of hell. I jumped off it last Friday.

Also, I am understanding more clearly how much I struggle with perfectionism and the idea that I can fix everyone's problems. The letting go of all the balls I juggle at work and delegating them has been freeing. Something has to give in all areas of my life and I need to get down off my cross. I remember a good friend's saying, "Get down off your cross! Someone else needs the wood."

djlook, your post gave me insight into how much blame my ASs father placed on me for ending the marriage. My ex is a very successful and high ranking government employee, but inside he has always been a wounded angry little boy. I think back on the male side of his family and I see death from alcoholism in a city park, narcissism, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and an overarching anger towards women. My AS has certainly thrown the "You LEFT Dad!" "You are a lesbian!" "You... You...You.." into the conversation many times over the years. But, I got in my lifeboat when I left that marriage, and I'm grateful that lifeboat came floating back to me 24 years later.

Tonight is my 2nd AlAnon meeting. Why has it taken me so long to go? Last week's meeting was so lovely. The kindness and nonjudgemental acceptance is something I want. I also want to soak up that kindness and nonjudgment and spread it back into the world.

We are all broken souls of the universe deserving of God's graces and love.

With compassion,
PeaceandGrace
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Old 10-28-2014, 12:04 PM
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I don't remember who said it on this forum but it just made so much sense to me. Someone said "they" hit on our vulnerabilities, our mothering skills.

Another thing I read about this disease is the addict will exploit vulnerabilities of those who threaten the continuation of addiction.
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