Hello, peaceandgrace.
Your story is my story. I've been divorced from my 37-year-old addicted son's father since he was 15 years old. Oh, my, the guilt I've suffered and put myself through. My current husband of 15 years said one day, "Honey, you did the best you could do under the circumstances." I really, really needed to hear that. My son's father was a practicing alcoholic with all kinds of other psychiatric diagnoses. He was a cruel, mean man. To this day he has untreated alcoholism.
I made amends to my ex-husband many years after I was in recovery. He never once took ownership for his part. Of course, the amends were for me, not him. It's been 23 years since the divorce and he still blames me for his sad, sad life.
A year ago I came to the same place you are with my ex and our son. I was still living in that emotional merry-go-round. I just couldn't do it anymore. I stopped communicating with him. Each time I'd talk with him about what we could do to help our son, our son could sense that and used it, of course, to manipulate both of us. I guess all the doing, saving, rescuing, enabling kept me from doing I needed to do, the tough thing, the compassionate thing for him, and that was letting go and letting God sort out the details of the terrible mess he's gotten himself into.
There's a pamphlet called "Alcoholism, the Merry-Go-Round Named Denial that really helped me. I still go back and read it off and on.
I also can identify with the subliminal anger you spoke about. I realize now that most times when I was talking with my son, even though I tried hard not to speak badly of him, that he was able to sense my own blaming his father, the unwillingness to forgive him. There are times when I think I've worked through that and then my son will pull something else and l still want to blame my ex. I am grateful to AlAnon and this recovery process because I've learned that it's all part of this family disease.
I've also learned during this recovery process that adversity is an opportunity to practice what I've learned. Not easy. I believe that because I'm trying the best I know today to live a spiritual life and try each day to solve my problems on a spiritual plane that it's going to feel awkward and I'm not going to do it perfectly, but I can make some progress if I don't give in or give up.
As I spoke of in an earlier post somewhere I looked up the word powerless and the definition of powerless is devoid of resources. I've used up all my resources, I'm drained, and I surrender. I let go and let God the best I know how just for today.
I still have you and your son in my prayers.