I can relate to what you're going through Jason. Part of me doesn't want to give up the alcohol either. I also know if I continue what I am doing, it's not going to be good for my health and I really do not want to head down that path. I've probably done more than enough damage and I have already strained some relationships.
However, I know if I don't quit now, I may not ever quit and I also know it's likely going to get worse. I have never been physically dependent, but I do not want to get there either. I'm getting back on that horse after screwing up Saturday and deciding I need to be done with the alcohol. I know life will be better without it. I'm trying to focus on moving forward versus the past. I cannot make your decisions for you as to what kind of relationship you want to have with alcohol, but I hope you continue to recover since it sounds like it's only going to get worse for you as well if you continue the way you're going.