JasonNorth

I was planning to not drink until Christmas. which would have been 100 days from 1st September when i started.

But on Saturday i caved in. I managed 54 full days which is the longest I've ever managed. Up to that point I found it very easy & drinking hardly ever crossed my mind.

but Friday I really started to think I wanted to drink. I got through Friday despite being in a cocktail bar with friends from work.

Saturday I was visiting my home town & spent the whole day organising a flat & doing gardening. a few friends i hadn't seen for ages were meeting up for someone's birthday, so I went & had lots of beers.

Then yesterday I had more in the afternoon. & today I've taken the day off work as I felt pretty rough.

So now I am not sure what to do. start again for day 1 & continue to the day that would have been 100 days. or try make a go at moderation, drinking Friday or Saturday only, which was my plan after the 100 days. I know what everyone will say already.

& to make it worse I want to drink today too.

Nonsensical

Could this be because you feel conflicted between what you want to do and what you sense the right answer is?

Congrats on 54 days. If you decide to quit again you've laid a good foundation.

IOAA2

Hi.
When I first got sober it was emphasized to be honest with myself about my drinking and accept the fact I cannot drink in safety one day at a time continually. Playing head games never worked along with moderate drinking. Many who try that route are looking UP at the grass roots.
We have a progressive and deadly disease that take too many to the grave which is avoidable by just not drinking.

BE WELL

FeelingGreat

My brain has receptors for alcohol. The more I feed them, the more they want, which means that even if I start slow I will build up. I know this about myself, and I guess you know this about yourself.

You're going through a process of discovery about what you can and can't do. Can you drink in moderation? I would guess not, but only you can answer that question.

JasonNorth

I'm conflicted as I guess I am in denial about how much of a drink problem i have. I read stuff here & often think "i'm not as bad as that person etc".

I don't want to think that I have as much of a problem that would mean abstaining from alcohol forever.

even the urge to drink as i type now, should tell me the answer though. I'm addicted to it. It's controlling me rather than the other way round

*SIGHS* what a load a bollocks alcohol is.

Nonsensical

I did that at my first traunch of AA meetings 23 years ago. As others spoke I would think I'm not THAT bad, I must be OK.

22 years later I was on the trajectory to have the worst stories at the AA meeting. How dumb is that?

Be well, and be wiser than I was.

Lola23

Hi Jason, just wanted to say that I'm right there with you. I managed about 50 or 60 days as well and then...thought I could have a few here and there and be fine. I'm not fine.

No real advice, but just wanted to send you a quick reply...you're not alone.

strategery

I can relate to what you're going through Jason. Part of me doesn't want to give up the alcohol either. I also know if I continue what I am doing, it's not going to be good for my health and I really do not want to head down that path. I've probably done more than enough damage and I have already strained some relationships.
However, I know if I don't quit now, I may not ever quit and I also know it's likely going to get worse. I have never been physically dependent, but I do not want to get there either. I'm getting back on that horse after screwing up Saturday and deciding I need to be done with the alcohol. I know life will be better without it. I'm trying to focus on moving forward versus the past. I cannot make your decisions for you as to what kind of relationship you want to have with alcohol, but I hope you continue to recover since it sounds like it's only going to get worse for you as well if you continue the way you're going.

least

I'll tell you what was told to me so many times: forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

SoberLeigh

Sounds as though you have answered your own question.

As to your thoughts of "I'm not as bad as that person", I played the Game of Comparison for a long time; I could always find someone who was worse than I was, who drank more alcohol, who lost jobs or relationships, who had DUIs and on and on. You can (as I did) think you are winning the Game but allowing those thoughts is part of the other player's (alcohol's) game strategy. When I finally declared "Game Over", I still could look around and tell myself "I was not as bad", but I had lost my soul, my essence; I barely recognized myself. Point being, I guess, that destruction from alcoholism takes many shapes and you can lose the Game in so many ways.

I hope you stick with sobriety, Jason.

Congrats on 54 days.

Soberwolf

I think your in denial too but who wasnt ...me an alcoholic pfffft gosh do i remember those days Jason

Your body is itching for a drink and you must realise thast properly and yes it is controlling you

J i think the whole 100 days thing had a big thing to do with it but again you didnt make the 100 anyway which should tell you something

Jason your an alcoholic

i am too the best thing we can both do is never drink again

look at what its doing to you it gets a lot worse by the way remember its progressive im only 32 and not drinking is the best decision of my life

JasonNorth

Thanks everyone for your wise & honest words.

I am going to spend a day on reflection.

FeelingGreat

Jason if you can't face 'forever' why not say 12 months. It helped me because once the 12 months was up I was enjoying the benefits of not drinking so much that I didn't start again.

hopeful4

I don't think it's healthy for your recovery to have a date set to start drinking again. One day at a time.

Croissant

I think the realisation that my hopes for "moderating" or controlling my drinking were an opportunity long passed was really upsetting for me too, Jason.

I think it took me a good two years to turn and face the reality full on.

anattaboy

If you've never really given moderation an honest attempt then I say go for it. You will know soon if it's do-able. I personally cannot afford to "try again". I gave it my best and then some...

Anna

Jason, I had to believe deeply that alcohol was no longer an option for me, ever, in order to get and stay sober.

ccam1973

As simple and as hard as what Anna said for me as well.

I've relapsed too many times. Each relapse was preceded by the thoughts that I'm not as bad as everyone else, I can moderate and just drink on the weekends, drinking isn't really affecting my life all that negatively... All of these thoughts came because I let my guard down. In reality, I knew that first drink would lead to non-stop drinking, every day, again and again. And it did, getting worse with each relapse.

Although still early in sobriety, my life is so much better now than any of the past 7,665 days I had spent drinking (give or take).

Best of luck with your decision, you can do this if you want.

DrakeCKC

Jason: Good advice here... One day at a time. I have found, as have many, that "moderation" doesn't work.

Get back up, don't beat yourself up, and try again.