My suggestion is just to consider the present. Anxiety about what hasn't happened, and regrets about what happened already are fodder for all sorts of mental strife, and our experience says that alcohol fixes that. As you have learned, alcohol makes every single thing we do worse, it helps nothing, and it's going to take everything you hold dear.
So, just be focused on what you are doing, and what you should be doing now. Can you not drink for a second? Of course you can. Make it this second, right now. Decide to not drink now. If your drinking brain starts in with objections about making plans for the future, or reminding you of past habits, turn your mind back to right now. Now is the only time we have complete and absolute control. We can choose to not drink now, ever. Or another way, we can choose to never now drink.
You will see what a relief it is to know you never have to drink again and go back to the misery of alcoholism. You are free of this. And you do this by saying so, and then doing it. It might be hard, but it is dead simple.