Just HOW do i do this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 167
Just HOW do i do this?
I'm really struggling today. I'm on day 2 of being sober. I've been ill for the last 36 hours or so and at first thought it was a virus but am now convincing myself that it's a liver problem. I love to torture myself.
I'm just really struggling with the concept of sobriety in the long term right now. I am trying to take one day at a time but just can't see how i'll ever be able to go longer than a certain amount of time... for example, next week is my birthday and i have my parents visiting for 5 days (I live abroad). I have aimed to stay sober for the next 7 days in order to be able to have a few drinks with them. I know people will say that i'm setting myself up for a fail by thinking this way but i just can't see how i will be able to avoid it. I always feel like i will have to go a couple of days in order to allow myself to drink in the future, if you get me? As if i'm treating my sobriety with alcohol.
Once my parents leave i have a clear run until christmas and would ideally like to go as long as possible without touching anything. But then i have an all inclusive holiday booked with them over the christmas period. I just don't see how it's avoidable.
I feel like i'm running at a brick wall right now. I want to get better. I know that i can never be a social drinker because once i've had one, that's it. I'm not capable of not wanting more like other people. (Wine is my drink of choice and seeing as i live in Spain and it's cheaper to drink wine than water...) but i just don't see how it's feasable
xx
I'm just really struggling with the concept of sobriety in the long term right now. I am trying to take one day at a time but just can't see how i'll ever be able to go longer than a certain amount of time... for example, next week is my birthday and i have my parents visiting for 5 days (I live abroad). I have aimed to stay sober for the next 7 days in order to be able to have a few drinks with them. I know people will say that i'm setting myself up for a fail by thinking this way but i just can't see how i will be able to avoid it. I always feel like i will have to go a couple of days in order to allow myself to drink in the future, if you get me? As if i'm treating my sobriety with alcohol.
Once my parents leave i have a clear run until christmas and would ideally like to go as long as possible without touching anything. But then i have an all inclusive holiday booked with them over the christmas period. I just don't see how it's avoidable.
I feel like i'm running at a brick wall right now. I want to get better. I know that i can never be a social drinker because once i've had one, that's it. I'm not capable of not wanting more like other people. (Wine is my drink of choice and seeing as i live in Spain and it's cheaper to drink wine than water...) but i just don't see how it's feasable
xx
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
First of, there's NEVER a good time to quit.
There will always be parties or birthdays or seasonal things, or crises or whatever.
You need to want change and you need to accept that change will be difficult at first, I think.
I had no confidence in myself quitting forever - why would I when my sober record was 2 months and that was torture...but I knew I could commit daily to not drinking that day....that was achievable.
My birthday came around about 3 months in. I didn't drink.
Instead of the usual pub crawl I spent a quiet day at home - I bought myself a few things and generally had a really nice day
My family are big drinkers. I told them all I was quitting. None of them believed me.
I went to the bare minimum of family things for a while. They weren't pleasurable but I got through them sober.
My friends didn't believe me either. Once they found out I was serious I found out 99% of my friends were actually drinking buddies who vanished never to be seen again...but I made new friends and reconnected with old ones.
so...the short answer is how? you make a lot of changes and you use the support her and other place to help you with that.
It's hard, but it's far from impossible - not if you want to change - and it gets easier ML
and, again - don't torture yourself - see your Dr - make an earlier appointment if you need too to get some peace of mind
D
There will always be parties or birthdays or seasonal things, or crises or whatever.
You need to want change and you need to accept that change will be difficult at first, I think.
I had no confidence in myself quitting forever - why would I when my sober record was 2 months and that was torture...but I knew I could commit daily to not drinking that day....that was achievable.
My birthday came around about 3 months in. I didn't drink.
Instead of the usual pub crawl I spent a quiet day at home - I bought myself a few things and generally had a really nice day
My family are big drinkers. I told them all I was quitting. None of them believed me.
I went to the bare minimum of family things for a while. They weren't pleasurable but I got through them sober.
My friends didn't believe me either. Once they found out I was serious I found out 99% of my friends were actually drinking buddies who vanished never to be seen again...but I made new friends and reconnected with old ones.
so...the short answer is how? you make a lot of changes and you use the support her and other place to help you with that.
It's hard, but it's far from impossible - not if you want to change - and it gets easier ML
and, again - don't torture yourself - see your Dr - make an earlier appointment if you need too to get some peace of mind
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi messy liver, I'm in Italy where wine cheaper than water also. The thing is, it IS avoidable. I get you, it is tough to accept the fact that it is there but we can't have it. I think our work is to get to a place where we don't want to have it.
When you start looking ahead things get really overwhelming. You are setting yourself up for failure if you are already counting on drinking next week. Decide not to drink next week and then put off next week until next week. Just get there. When you arrive to next week don't use excuses to drink- I made it a week, I can reward myself! My parents are here, I must drink to enjoy their visit! or whatever. Take it occasion by occasion or hour by hour if you must.
Don't drink at lunch. Don't drink at aperitivo time, don't drink at dinner. Just get by hour by hour, minute by minute.
I'm not going to lie, there will be a part of you that will feel very unsatisfied. But no one said this would be easy.
You either want to quit or you don't, you know? For me, I DO, I really, really DO. And then sometimes I don't, I am FURIOUS I can't drink. But it passes and deep inside of me I DO want to quit and that is what gets me through.
It's ok to be mad, scared, annoyed, frustrated. try to find reasons to be happy about this though, to balance it out.
We're here to support you. x
When you start looking ahead things get really overwhelming. You are setting yourself up for failure if you are already counting on drinking next week. Decide not to drink next week and then put off next week until next week. Just get there. When you arrive to next week don't use excuses to drink- I made it a week, I can reward myself! My parents are here, I must drink to enjoy their visit! or whatever. Take it occasion by occasion or hour by hour if you must.
Don't drink at lunch. Don't drink at aperitivo time, don't drink at dinner. Just get by hour by hour, minute by minute.
I'm not going to lie, there will be a part of you that will feel very unsatisfied. But no one said this would be easy.
You either want to quit or you don't, you know? For me, I DO, I really, really DO. And then sometimes I don't, I am FURIOUS I can't drink. But it passes and deep inside of me I DO want to quit and that is what gets me through.
It's ok to be mad, scared, annoyed, frustrated. try to find reasons to be happy about this though, to balance it out.
We're here to support you. x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 69
I like the advice that meraviglioso gave. Also, if your drinking has gotten to the point at which you are concerned for your health, that is a major red flag. Your health and your life should come before anything else, IMHO.
If you're also worried about avoiding consumption on special occasions and/or telling your family, I assure you that I'm going through the same struggle right now. Surprisingly, all the responses I've gotten have been quite positive - fingers crossed that it will continue, but either way it doesn't matter because my recovery is more important to me than any holiday or what anyone thinks of me.
As far as the cultural aspect, that's difficult. Alcohol is definitely a socially acceptable drug here in the States (for the most part), but I know that in many parts of Europe, wine is basically ubiquitous with food.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and may you regain your health quickly.
If you're also worried about avoiding consumption on special occasions and/or telling your family, I assure you that I'm going through the same struggle right now. Surprisingly, all the responses I've gotten have been quite positive - fingers crossed that it will continue, but either way it doesn't matter because my recovery is more important to me than any holiday or what anyone thinks of me.
As far as the cultural aspect, that's difficult. Alcohol is definitely a socially acceptable drug here in the States (for the most part), but I know that in many parts of Europe, wine is basically ubiquitous with food.
Whatever happens, good luck to you and may you regain your health quickly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 167
Just spoke to my mother about this and mentioned that i may not be drinking when they are here. Told here that i'm worried about my health. I feel like i can get through this weekend without drinking no problem as people know i have been off work ill... but i'm sick of making excuses, you know? I want to be able to tell people, "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DRINK, OK?"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 226
Hang in there im going through the same thing. It will be a bit tough for a few days but will get easier aftervthat and you will start to feel great drink water and go for a walk will relax you. Also try herbal tea. Remembet alcohol is a poison you can only feel better without it
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I fought with that too. I was nervous to talk to my mom about it and actually still have not been completely honest about the full extent of the problem (though she saw it clearly while visiting). What is crazy is that she is a recovering alcoholic herself and has been sober since I was a young child. But something about admitting our problems to those closest to us can be scary.
If you are ready to talk to them, by all means do it. But if you are not, that is ok too.
There are a number of things you can say that are close to the truth and not lying that are fine ways of handling your not drinking for their visit. YOu have already mentioned your health, that is a great starting point.
You can say "I was sick last week and stopped drinking and notices that once I got well i felt a lot better, I think this is due to not drinking alcohol, I want to give that a try for a while"
or
"The huge wine culture here has led me to drink a lot more than I have in the past and to be honest it worries me, I just want to back off for a while, make sure I am not headed down a slippery slope"
or
"I'm not feeling 100%, I just don't feel like drinking"
Speaking of cultural differences. I was checking over my son's schoolwork yesterday (he's in his first year of elementary). Each day they have been working on a letter of the alphabet and yesterday was "V" One of the words he was taught to write and then drew a picture of was Vino. !!!! I remember being in high school in the states, I was in the choir and for our yearly assembly some friends and I had to alter the lyrics of a song that mentioned wine. We were not even allowed to say the word as part of school activities. Here my 5 year old child is learning to write and draw it!
If you are ready to talk to them, by all means do it. But if you are not, that is ok too.
There are a number of things you can say that are close to the truth and not lying that are fine ways of handling your not drinking for their visit. YOu have already mentioned your health, that is a great starting point.
You can say "I was sick last week and stopped drinking and notices that once I got well i felt a lot better, I think this is due to not drinking alcohol, I want to give that a try for a while"
or
"The huge wine culture here has led me to drink a lot more than I have in the past and to be honest it worries me, I just want to back off for a while, make sure I am not headed down a slippery slope"
or
"I'm not feeling 100%, I just don't feel like drinking"
Speaking of cultural differences. I was checking over my son's schoolwork yesterday (he's in his first year of elementary). Each day they have been working on a letter of the alphabet and yesterday was "V" One of the words he was taught to write and then drew a picture of was Vino. !!!! I remember being in high school in the states, I was in the choir and for our yearly assembly some friends and I had to alter the lyrics of a song that mentioned wine. We were not even allowed to say the word as part of school activities. Here my 5 year old child is learning to write and draw it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
If, just for example, you told your parents that you definitely cannot drink at all - not even one drop - because of medical reasons as you are aware that it could trigger a life threatening conditon such as fatal liver disease - would they still encourage you to drink when you are with them?
You could use this information about the increase in liver related deaths in the UK as an example of the kind of thing that you are concerned about.
BBC News - Rise in liver deaths linked to alcohol
You could use this information about the increase in liver related deaths in the UK as an example of the kind of thing that you are concerned about.
BBC News - Rise in liver deaths linked to alcohol
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by messyliver 
.. but i'm sick of making excuses, you know? I want to be able to tell people, "I JUST DON'T WANT TO DRINK, OK?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 167
She did say "well go for a few days without drinking and see how you feel." So think i'm going to continue it from there. "I feel great after not drinking for a week... so why have a wine now and feel worse tomorrow?"
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For me it had to be all in, planning to drink or thoughts of I'll have a few at a social event like Xmas, birthday, wedding etc, it was never going to work.
Why not follow up those liver concerns with a real commitment to be a "non drinker" from here on, alcohol is not the centre of the universe, many people go through life, year to year, all the festive occasions and social events without a drop of alcohol.
You can too!!
Why not follow up those liver concerns with a real commitment to be a "non drinker" from here on, alcohol is not the centre of the universe, many people go through life, year to year, all the festive occasions and social events without a drop of alcohol.
You can too!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 167
I've been 3 years trying to "cut back" to a normal drinker but i think it's finally hitting home that it's not possible for me. I've always been an all or nothing person. I think it really does have to be nothing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 349
messyliver, for me, I finally have "thrown in the towel" and raised my white flag and realized that I just cannot drink. No matter the occasion, excuse, stress, whatever. It just isn't an option any more and I will not let it be.
There is always going to be some THING. Some whatever out there, the work comes in learning to deal with life events sober, every time, every day, every occasion. Hour by hour if you have to.
And if you don't want to drink, DON'T! Just say no. You have every right to refuse it ... a lot of people don't drink. Don't let other people talk you into doing something you do not want to do. This is your health and your life. Live it the way YOU want to and it sounds like you want to do it sober.
Good luck to you.
There is always going to be some THING. Some whatever out there, the work comes in learning to deal with life events sober, every time, every day, every occasion. Hour by hour if you have to.
And if you don't want to drink, DON'T! Just say no. You have every right to refuse it ... a lot of people don't drink. Don't let other people talk you into doing something you do not want to do. This is your health and your life. Live it the way YOU want to and it sounds like you want to do it sober.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Originally Posted by messyliver
I've been 3 years trying to "cut back" to a normal drinker but i think it's finally hitting home that it's not possible for me. I've always been an all or nothing person. I think it really does have to be nothing.
I know that you can get through your birthday, a holiday, Christmas and anything else that comes along, without drinking. Why not give it a try?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Originally Posted by Purpleknight
For me it had to be all in, planning to drink or thoughts of I'll have a few at a social event like Xmas, birthday, wedding etc, it was never going to work.
Why not follow up those liver concerns with a real commitment to be a "non drinker" from here on, alcohol is not the centre of the universe, many people go through life, year to year, all the festive occasions and social events without a drop of alcohol.
You can too!!
Why not follow up those liver concerns with a real commitment to be a "non drinker" from here on, alcohol is not the centre of the universe, many people go through life, year to year, all the festive occasions and social events without a drop of alcohol.
You can too!!
Inevitably, I would drink either on those dates or before and just keep going. Once I had that first one there was no stopping... not that day, the next day, month, etc.
I am so looking forward to being able to remember this holiday season. Last year was a blur from drinking around the clock.
Best of wishes, you can do this.
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