So interesting, thanks to all who responded.
The manic thing - that's what you call the "up" part of the cycle? He's NEVER like that unless he's drunk. Otherwise he's just the sarcastic drip in the corner of the room, relentlessly judging everyone around him. If anyone is more knowledgeable than he is about something he refuses to enter into a conversation with that person. He is never, ever up & happy & energetic without alcohol or drugs. (Maybe that's normal for BDP at times too?)
I do see a lot of manipulation & narcissism on his part... it's been REALLY bad in the past. He put a tracking app on her phone years ago & my sister found it. (it was draining her battery all the time& she just casually asked us to look at it when we were all together one night because she knew her brand new state-of-the-art phone shouldn't need to be charged 5x per day & that something was wrong....) My friend waited until she was home, made a comment about needing to look through her phone for this issue, then left him in the room alone with the phone for 10 mins.... when she returned the app was removed.
In the past she's let him handle everything in their lives & he would limit the options he presented to her when they needed to make decisions - for instance, he would select his fave 3 options out of 10 & then tell her ONLY those 3 options existed. A lot of it was basic crap too that she could know at any time, like which monthly plans were available at Verizon. For the longest time (years ago!) he had her convinced they didn't have texting plans - that they had no choice but to pay-per-text & that was why she wasn't "allowed" to text from her phone.
I know narcissism can be a component of other illnesses & it's kind of like a chicken & egg thing, but I have also wondered if he's playing both sides here - her & his therapists. He alludes to his "horrible childhood" as the source of his issues but when you ask him about his trauma or abuse he has nothing to offer outside of the typical stuff we all call sibling rivalry & not getting on well with his parents.
On one hand I understand her not wanting to get involved in his therapy (like you said Wisconsin, it would be so hard NOT to get over-involved) but on the other she needs to decide if it's healthy to stay detached like this while raising a child in the same home. I've told her that for no other reason she should consider getting more info simply BECAUSE they have a kid together.
I definitely agree that she needs to figure out what matters TO HER & for her DD & make that a priority. I've told her the most unhealthy part of all of this is that (until recently) she just bases her reactions on his actions, lives life with a to-go bag packed in her trunk at all times & acts as though it's a matter of "when" not "if" he's going to relapse.
I think it would make her very happy for him to just come home with a 6-pack one day so she could clap her hands, say "that's it - boundary crossed!" & walk away with reason. I think it's also possible that he's not doing it for
exactly the same reason. That maybe all the times he's moaning about not being able to drink he's actually checking to see if she's relaxed her boundaries & will accept it.
She just asked me this weekend, "What am I WAITING for????"
