Us humans have a remarkable capacity for healing. For me, the challenge has been that I have NOT (despite Al-Anon, despite working the program, despite therapy, despite SR) allowed myself to
feel those emotions. I've
named them; I've explained to myself and therapists and my sponsor
why it's completely rational to have those feelings, given X, Y, and Z. I understand and I can explain. I've just been too afraid of the pain to
feel the emotions.
I was raised to stuff emotions -- that's what you did; emotions equaled weakness. (Gawd, you'd think I was raised in Sparta!
) It's a difficult thing to un-learn. It's also natural to want to avoid pain and discomfort.
So. Am I still angry and bitter at AXH? Not really. As long as he stays out of my life, I don't even think about him. Every time he pops up again, I get angry -- but it's not residual anger, he's a peach that way; he always gives me
new reasons to be angry.
Am I still angry and bitter at myself? Absolutely. I wasted twenty years of my life living in a fog because I didn't dare to leave. I won't get a single minute of that time back. And that, I still find hard to forgive myself for.