Anyone else still bittwr and angry years on?

Old 10-21-2014, 04:22 AM
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Anyone else still bittwr and angry years on?

Hello,

Is anyone else still bitter and angry with the ExA years on or am I the only one?

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Old 10-21-2014, 04:36 AM
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Have you tried a support group or some sort of counseling? It may help you cope.
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Old 10-21-2014, 05:40 AM
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How many years away from him are you? IT takes several years not to be soooo angry. I am 6 (wow) 6 years out and I am not angry, although there are triggers that might set me off for a moment. However, they are few and far between.

The more new life experiences you have, the more new people you meet, the more you develop a life outside and a part from your ex, the less anger you will feel. It just takes a long time, years long.

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Old 10-21-2014, 06:57 AM
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Us humans have a remarkable capacity for healing. For me, the challenge has been that I have NOT (despite Al-Anon, despite working the program, despite therapy, despite SR) allowed myself to feel those emotions. I've named them; I've explained to myself and therapists and my sponsor why it's completely rational to have those feelings, given X, Y, and Z. I understand and I can explain. I've just been too afraid of the pain to feel the emotions.

I was raised to stuff emotions -- that's what you did; emotions equaled weakness. (Gawd, you'd think I was raised in Sparta! ) It's a difficult thing to un-learn. It's also natural to want to avoid pain and discomfort.

So. Am I still angry and bitter at AXH? Not really. As long as he stays out of my life, I don't even think about him. Every time he pops up again, I get angry -- but it's not residual anger, he's a peach that way; he always gives me new reasons to be angry.

Am I still angry and bitter at myself? Absolutely. I wasted twenty years of my life living in a fog because I didn't dare to leave. I won't get a single minute of that time back. And that, I still find hard to forgive myself for.
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Old 10-21-2014, 07:03 AM
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I'm about two years out from the madness, and no longer angry at the past. It DOES make me angry with her current idiocy though. She makes life difficult for the kids and I still, seemingly on purpose...when I've more than given her the distance and separation to go live her own life. That part makes me angry and bitter. Go torture someone else, I'm done!
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Old 10-21-2014, 07:43 AM
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I am coming up on four years divorced.

In the last 18 months I am FINALLY feeling anger for the first time in my life. I am angry at him, angry at stuff from when I was a kid, angry at myself. Just spewing venom and anger.

When I finally told my therapist I told her "I don't want you to tell me this is fear, sadness, depression or any of those other things anger often masks, I just want to be angry." She clapped her hands and said congratulations. When people like you that have stuffed for so long finally start to feel this stuff it is so great. She is okay that I am often angry at her (for no apparent reason, love that transference).

A lot of my anger is most easily accessed with my ex.....but it is about more than my ex. My job right now is to feel it so I can actually go through it instead of continuing to stuff which I have done for so long.

Just for the record for the first time I am uncomfortable that I am angry (and have been for so long), but I am far enough into this to understand that I have to feel this or I am going to be quagmired in this for the rest of my life.

Hopefully one of these days (after going through this) I will be grateful for this experience with my ex.....for getting me to right where I needed to be. I don't know that I could have gottten here any other way.
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Old 10-21-2014, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
I am coming up on four years divorced.

In the last 18 months I am FINALLY feeling anger for the first time in my life. I am angry at him, angry at stuff from when I was a kid, angry at myself. Just spewing venom and anger.

When I finally told my therapist I told her "I don't want you to tell me this is fear, sadness, depression or any of those other things anger often masks, I just want to be angry." She clapped her hands and said congratulations. When people like you that have stuffed for so long finally start to feel this stuff it is so great. She is okay that I am often angry at her (for no apparent reason, love that transference).

A lot of my anger is most easily accessed with my ex.....but it is about more than my ex. My job right now is to feel it so I can actually go through it instead of continuing to stuff which I have done for so long.

Just for the record for the first time I am uncomfortable that I am angry (and have been for so long), but I am far enough into this to understand that I have to feel this or I am going to be quagmired in this for the rest of my life.

Hopefully one of these days (after going through this) I will be grateful for this experience with my ex.....for getting me to right where I needed to be. I don't know that I could have gottten here any other way.
That's funny, because I had the same exact conversation with my therapist about 6 months ago! As a side note: I am not angry anymore at the past or at him. I am just ready to move on. I still get angry about stuff from today or things that my son tells me AH said or did recently, but I let it go, don't confront, and use it as fuel to motivate me to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get on with my life without him.

I'm sure another wave of anger will hit me once I don't live in the chaos anymore and I have a chance to decompress. Yet, I believe that Al Anon and recovery in general have given me the tools to face it. Like Lillamy said, I realized that I had to feel it and walk through it or else I'd be stuck being angry forever and replacing that anger with secondary emotions such as sadness, depression, guilt, or fear.
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Old 10-21-2014, 08:18 AM
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No I'm not. I was *ready* to let all that go. It was a relief for me to move past that. It was suffocating me. It was doing more damage than his alcoholism was.

Today I have moments of fleeting anger if there is a current event that angers me. I accept who he is, his strengths and weaknesses, I have no illusion of making things any different. I think a lot of my anger towards him was just that he didn't do what I wanted no matter how diligent, loving, and right I was. So the anger comes, and it goes. I move on.

Before, when I was caught up in the fixing and loving and controlling, I would bury that anger and it would fester. Not good. It consumed me and clouded everything I did. I struggled very hard to separate from my ex and to carry the negative part with me after he was gone???? That just makes no sense to me.

Originally Posted by Overit23 View Post
Have you tried a support group or some sort of counseling? It may help you cope.
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Letting go of anger, bitterness, control, resentment...it is the most freeing thing in the world. It is worth the investment of figuring out how to free yourself from it if you aren't there yet.

ETA: Looking at your join date I don't know how long you've been separated. It is not an overnight process so don't be to hard on yourself Just keep working for it.
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Old 10-21-2014, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I'm sure another wave of anger will hit me once I don't live in the chaos anymore and I have a chance to decompress. Yet, I believe that Al Anon and recovery in general have given me the tools to face it. Like Lillamy said, I realized that I had to feel it and walk through it or else I'd be stuck being angry forever and replacing that anger with secondary emotions such as sadness, depression, guilt, or fear.
Liz-

It is interesting because overall my anger level is down about the situation until I lost my dog a couple of weeks ago. She was special needs and had a lot of them.

That has helped me to sink into a new level of discomfort, anger and sheer frustration at the situation I let myself stay in for so long. It has some familiar themes, but it is hitting a deeper piece for me. I know it won't be there forever. I don't think I could have gotten to this piece when I was in the midst of seperating, divorce etc. I had to get some emotional depth for myself first (I am so slow about the emotional stuff).

When in this stuff (again). I have to remember that when a wound needs to heal you have to dig out all the infected tissue. Only then can you close the skin up and allow it to heal. If you just close the skin up with the infection underneath it will only prolong your healing time. It is the latter that I tried to do for so long.

I really am blessed that I had a loved one with an addiction. I don't think that I would have been so uncomfortable otherwise and I would not have gotten to this stuff without the hurt of where I was being greater then the hurt of looking at this stuff.
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Old 10-21-2014, 12:57 PM
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No, I learned to let it go. Upon the advice of my sponsor I prayed that he would happiness, well-being and get everything he wants and needs in life. After doing this daily for a few weeks I felt at much greater peace. He lived rent free long enough in my head and even though I despised him and regretted ever knowing him, praying for him took the bitterness out of me. Thank God!
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Old 10-21-2014, 11:17 PM
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I'm kind of coming from a different direction here as an ACoA. Dealing with the anger towards my AM was easy. I went No Contact and didn't have any reason to be angry when I was no longer talking to her. It's the anger and bitterness towards the rest of my family that I've had trouble with. My dad is still playing the blame game, that my dysfunction is all her fault and he had nothing to do with it. My grandmother still doesn't recognize that basically telling me to stuff it and not upset AM at all was damaging to me and my sister. We all did the dance, but every one of them had a duty of care to protect us, and they failed miserably. I'm usually ok until one of them opens their mouth and the bullsh*t comes out. I'm still learning to control my reactions to that, two years later.
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Old 10-22-2014, 03:46 AM
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Originally Posted by killerinstinct View Post
Hello,

Is anyone else still bitter and angry with the ExA years on or am I the only one?

Sometimes I am.

It's taken years, but I am slowly starting to understand that my XAH is incapable of behaving like a rational adult.

When I expect rational and reasonable behaviour from someone who is incapable of rational and reasonable behaviour then I am only setting myself up for disappointment.

My XAH does not have the ability to make the right choices or to behave properly. He will always **** up whatever he does. He will always disappoint our children. We (the children and I) are slowly getting used to these facts. At least his choices don't affect us greatly as we don't live with him and I will be divorced from him in less than 10 days.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:48 PM
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So much of my life had become trying to escape my ah and he wouldn't let me go!

So why would I want to spend another minute thinking about him or having anger about him? Anger connects me to him and assumes he is capable of doing anything differently.

Best thing I can do for myself is remember that I am as free from xah as my mind lets me be. He may have tried to trap me by starving me out of my apartment, preventing access to child support and healthcare...but if I am enjoying my life and not occupied with him in my brain - then I still am free as free can be.

I have learned to focus on the good things in my life. And I am not cynical or bitter. This allows me to love and at least try to trust, and to receive the love and trust of others.

So, no, you certainly don't have to stay angry. I certainly would recommend choosing a more positive path!
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:51 PM
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I have a hard time feeling anger, except at targets like bad drivers and politics. LoL.

Seriously, though, my go to emotion when I'm struggling is despair, self-pity, isolation, suicidal thinking. Also a long history of doing that--not a whole lot of other options.

It's frustrating. Been especially tough lately, because my three friends who I opened up to the most have all gotten busy with other things---two have found new relationships and I no longer exist. My other dearest friend who was a real support (it went both ways, too) has gotten a job, and her relationship is improved, so she has no time for me either.

Of course I feel sorry for myself! Once you get wired a certain way, it's really hard to re-route.
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Old 10-22-2014, 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain View Post
I have a hard time feeling anger, except at targets like bad drivers and politics. LoL.

Seriously, though, my go to emotion when I'm struggling is despair, self-pity, isolation, suicidal thinking. Also a long history of doing that--not a whole lot of other options.

It's frustrating. Been especially tough lately, because my three friends who I opened up to the most have all gotten busy with other things---two have found new relationships and I no longer exist. My other dearest friend who was a real support (it went both ways, too) has gotten a job, and her relationship is improved, so she has no time for me either.

Of course I feel sorry for myself! Once you get wired a certain way, it's really hard to re-route.
Arg-

I can so relate to what you posted. This was me for 36 years of my life (I am getting ready to turn 38).

I heard a great quote that has helped me with anger/sadness. Anger is depression turned outwards, and depression is anger turned inwards.

That really helped me to be more open to feeling anger for the first time.....at least I was finally going to get it OUT, instead of stuffing it in.

Anger for me (as an emotion I did not feel for so long) has been freeing, it has helped me to move and start doing instead of stewing. I know this is not everyone's experience with anger but I have always been known as the calm, peaceful one (I just beat up myself instead). This experience is showing me that ignoring my feelings and pretending they don't exist (I am not saying that is what everyone else was doing), does not help me either.
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Old 10-22-2014, 10:34 PM
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Thanks LR. Yep, I've heard that saying before. it makes sense. I still don't connect with my anger very well, though. I'll bring it up some more with my therapist. I agree, it would be empowering. Hmmmm. (Insight---I don't have much experience with self-empowerment. I get it intellectually, but it doesn't "stick"...)

Thanks. dont want to hijack the thread.
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Old 10-23-2014, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain View Post
Thanks LR. Yep, I've heard that saying before. it makes sense. I still don't connect with my anger very well, though. I'll bring it up some more with my therapist. I agree, it would be empowering. Hmmmm. (Insight---I don't have much experience with self-empowerment. I get it intellectually, but it doesn't "stick"...)

Thanks. dont want to hijack the thread.
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