Oak -
I can deeply relate to most of what you posted. In particular, my AV has always used my history of childhood abuse to convince me that "whatever coping tools (meaning alcohol and drugs) I need to survive after that is ok."
This is a very tricky message to diffuse in my dialog with my AV, because it sounds so...reasonable.
The abuse stuff emerges often, in myriad ways. My abuse was sexual, and so all my relationships and sexuality have wispy reminders of it. I also worked for many years as support to similarly abused children, and for a while worked at prosecuting offenders, all of which have re-triggered my stuff - whether from a point of view of victimization or anger and vengeance. I've done my share of therapy around it, too, with varied results, but in the end found that therapy triggered more than it healed. Lifelong reminders and "returning to."
The way that I have learned to counter that argument for using and drinking has been to acknowledge that - yes, I had more my share of trauma in this area. Yes, it will be re-triggered throughout my lifetime, especially since it was sexual and I am a human being who relates sexually to people I love. Yes, dealing with it when it emerges will require coping tools. Then - here it is... - alcohol and drugs are inefficient coping tools for this issue.
Alcohol and drugs actually magnify issues for me. They allow obsessional thinking, circling thinking. They put me into random sexual situations with people I don't know or trust, thus providing more opportunity for scary outcomes which re-trigger me. Alcohol and drugs make me unhealthy and physically weaker, and the body and emotions are more interconnected that we care to admit. Alcohol and drugs change the functioning of the brain, triggering depression and anxiety, which are the last qualities I need to deal with my issues. Alcohol abuse encourages isolation and loneliness for me, eroding my support networks.
Conversely, with my body and brain healthy, my support networks in place and vital, my life functional and dynamic - sober - I am able to meet any memory of trauma with brave resilience. When I surround myself with people who are also in recovery, the likelihood that my issues will be understood and supported are increased. If I surround myself with healthy people (or at least people not inside their addictions) the hope that I will be able to find a partner who is kind and non-violent and loving, so that I can share a radiant, loving sexuality with them, will increase exponentially.
As you can see, I've developed an argument which cuts my AV off in mid-sentence, and silences his whiny manipulations using this issue.
I actually think it is small and cheap that my AV chooses to use one of my most sensitive and hurty places as a trick to convince me to use or drink.
I hope that this helps. I believe that there is nothing in our past abuse which is warrants our slowly destructive suicide through drugs and alcohol. When we do that, our abusers win twice. I hate those f*****s, and choose not to give them the satisfaction...