Thanks everyone. Reading your responses helped. I often don't reach out, but I'm glad I did today. I even talked at an NA meeting tonight. It does help to share what is going on. But admitting that I need help and asking for help is not easy for me.
I feel scared but also calm. Kind of strange. I am sure that if I relapse, it won't end well. Connecting to people at meetings seems to be increasing my motivation to stay sober. I think it is primarily unresolved child abuse memories that is making sobriety tough right now. Of course, the irony is that it is sobriety that allows me to work on and heal the past trauma. It's scary seeing how bad it can get. I have to keep in mind that I probably have the resources to work through this. The good part is that it is motivating me to be more willing to get help and to connect to others.
Thanks everyone!