oak

I have 2 years sober. I go for 6 months or so feeling solidly sober (without cravings). Then I seem to have cravings and urges for 2 months or so. I have had lots of cravings, urges, and thoughts about alcohol and pills since mid-August. I'm feeling worn down by the thoughts & that concerns me.

It seems like the cravings were initially triggered in mid-August when I tried to quit drinking caffeine. Also- triggered by intense guilt and other emotions from severe child abuse. I've been working on the trauma memories in therapy. I talk to my therapist about the cravings too. I trust that my therapist knows what he is doing with EMDR and resolving trauma.

I generally love being sober. There is so much more that I can do sober, compared to drunk or hung over. My life narrows when I drink. I keep reminding myself that in the past, it was more comfortable to crave than to actually drink. No matter how bad cravings were, drinking was always worse. I get very miserable when drinking (although temporarily euphoric).

I called my health insurance company to talk to an intake counselor about what services they offer. I'm scared and excited to go there. For people who have done therapy groups, what happened and was it useful? I am so shy in groups, but I am hoping that a good therapist would include everyone in the group.

I have been going to NA groups for the past month. There are several very good groups near me. I have gone in the past, but then I start feeling too weird at NA, like my addiction was not enough to qualify for NA, and then I stop going to groups. I really like the NA groups. I did meet a lot more women in NA this past month, compared to other times I tried NA. (I'm female.) In the past, there were few women at meetings. (I've tried AA, SMART, WFS, & LifeRing. I prefer NA.) I'm hoping that I will continue going to NA meetings, even when or if I start feeling better.

These are the thoughts of denial-
It's not a real addiction.
Drinking got so bad so quickly that I must have made it up. Maybe I was trying to be dramatic (even though I did it alone at home).
It's a wussy, cute, little addiction. (That is so painful to say. Addiction hurts. Denying addiction hurts more.)
Drinking looks so benign when others do it. It will be okay.
I have so much trauma in my history that nothing matters anyway. Might as well give into addiction.
The cravings & urges will never stop. Might as well give in.

But I love being sober and my life goes better when sober. I hope it gets easier very soon!

It helped to write. Thanks for reading.