DD made her court appearance on Thursday. She asked me to go with her and I did, as I already had the day off from work. The judge was straightforward and no nonsense. Hefty fine; community service; standard chemical dependency classes; no alcohol use for 6 months; loss of driver's license for 6 months. Because she was cooperative during her arrest and didn't refuse a breathalyzer, she'll receive a license that allows her to drive to work and other necessary places.
We've had some quality time together the past couple of days. Done a lot of talking. My hope continues to be that this will be a positive turning point for her. Only time will tell. She is so wounded by her relationship with her dad. I see the way it affects everything she does. She compares herself to middle DD who is the golden child in their dad's eyes (it's not an exaggeration--he's made it obvious since they were extremely young). I didn't realize the true extent of her pain over this until the past few days. It's so effing unfair, so unfair. I see how deep her pain is.
So, I know that the only way out for her is to face it and make the long hard journey to accepting the hand she's been dealt. Her happiness is in her hands only. I get that. But to have to sit back and watch her hurt brings out the mother bear in me. Don't get me wrong. I haven't reverted to full codependent mode, but I will say, there is nothing more powerful than motherhood for making me want to crack open that ugly box of useless tools. Motherhood brings a fierce natural protective instinct.
Dandylion, the books you recommended should be here today. Looking forward to reading them.
Lillamy, she told me that she thinks her dad's poor treatment toward her right now is because he sees himself in her. I thought that was strong insight on her part. He has little self worth, he may feel shame in seeing common behaviors in his daughter. He also grew up believing that his dad disapproved of him. It made me think of this comment that you made to me earlier:
I don't know if there's anything you can do to convince your daughter that she is going down the same path as her father unless she deals with her baggage once and for all?
Maybe she will see this as a reason to choose the healthy path? I'm praying so.
I finally broke down and reached out to my sisters and mom. Their support and encouragement has been uplifting. I find it hard anymore to reach out because I know others have their struggles too and I don't want to add more to anyone's burdens. But my family is a gift and I have to learn to not be afraid to ask for support.
DD sat down with me yesterday and allowed me to help her put together a financial plan for paying her fines, chemical dependency class fees, and the cost of her special driver's license. I thought this was a positive step. In total, her DUI will cost her over $1300 and that doesn't include whatever happens to her insurance. I had mentioned before that I think shopping has been her form of self-medication. She is going to have to live on a bare bones budget to pay for this DUI. Shopping will be out of the question for a long, long time. I'm praying she is able to recognize how she has treated shopping in the past.
She still is fighting counseling. The court-ordered classes also require an intake interview and two personal counseling sessions in addition to the regular classroom stuff. Also praying about this--that she is fully honest, transparent, in her personal sessions and that God puts the right counselor with her.
It helps me to put all of this down, sort out my thoughts/emotions here. Keeps my swirling brain at some level of peace. Like I said, mothering knocks hard at my codependency door, but I'm hanging in there, and trying to do the best I can with what I've learned.