Daughter got a DUI, I'm having a hard time as a mom

Old 10-10-2014, 04:56 AM
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Daughter got a DUI, I'm having a hard time as a mom

I don't really know where else to turn so I'm posting here. Since my failed marriage to xah and an awful roller coaster of a relationship with xabf I feel like I have burdened my family and friends with too many worries about my children and me over the years. I find myself rarely talking about my struggles with anyone anymore because of it.

So right now, I'm coming here because I don't know where else to turn. My 21yo called a couple of hours ago. She got a DUI early this morning. I hate to say it but I've seen it coming. She has been in a world of hurt for her entire life, in spite of the gifts she's blessed with. She is beautiful, brilliant, talented, and loved by many yet has no sense of self worth. She believes in her heart of hearts that her dad hates her. She believes in her heart of hearts that no one cares about her except me and a few others. She is a deeply wounded girl. She drinks with friends and medicates with shopping, but is in denial about harm she's doing to herself. She wants to blame others for the problems that come her way. It's hard to watch. I know that she's not responsible for the actions of those who have hurt her deeply in her young life. But I also know that she's responsible for the decisions she's making to hurt herself. She has seen a counselor a couple of times, but it's been painful and she won't go back. Now she's devastated and deeply embarrassed by her DUI. She is convinced that her dad will hate her even more. My head is spinning right now. It's hard to watch your child hurt.

I am hurting terribly for her right now. For many months I have been working hard to apply the things I've learned here and through Al-Anon in my relationship with her. I've tried to love her without enabling her. Tried to help her find her way when she's asked for my help, but not force my opinions or ideas on her. It's incredibly painful to sit back and watch your child hurt and watch her make decisions that cause even more hurt. Thanks for listening. I could use support and prayers, right now. I just really don't know how to process all of this.
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Old 10-10-2014, 05:03 AM
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I am so sorry to hear this has happened (((((hugs)))). Prayers sent for you - I hear much guilt in your posting, I get it, but I hope you know this is not your fault. What are your plans on how to handle this situation?
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Old 10-10-2014, 06:05 AM
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I do feel guilt for the times in my life that I was hurting and wasn't 100% present for my children. I tried to be present at all times, I thought I was, but looking back there are things I really screwed up. As a single parent I was just trying to get through each day as it came. There are times I should have been more in tune with what my children needed and taken time to focus better on those emotional needs. Instead I was worried about food, clothes, school, work. Just surviving. I thought I was doing better than I was with their emotional needs, but now I'm not so sure. I look at how they've been hurt and it rips me apart.

Right now, I need get through my day. I have to go to work and still try to be my best self there. I encouraged my daughter to contact her dad's sister today. She also got a DUI at age 21 and it resulted in her going to treatment and later becoming a chemical dependency counselor. She's been in the field for 20+ years. She's equipped to give my daughter the right advice and direction. I'm doing a lot of praying right now, seeking guidance and strength. Not feeling like I can share this with anyone is hard. Knowing I need to take care of myself and be supportive of my daughter without enabling is harder than it sounds. I'm just sort of breathing and praying right now.
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Old 10-10-2014, 06:30 AM
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I am so sorry, your pain and guilt come right through.

You did not have a choice. When you are a single parent, you must put survival first. If not, their lives would have fallen apart and yours too. Remember that.

Here is the thing. Even if she is self medicating with alcohol, she is a responsible 21 year old girl who knows better than to drink and drive. While you are looking deep for a reason for this, I want to ask you a question. Is it possible she was just out drinking and having fun and got caught? I am not saying she does not have emotional issues, but they don't always lead to this.

I remember being that age. Thursday nights was the big party night when I was in college. There were many nights I could have gotten a DUI and did not (thank you Lord). Looking back it makes me sick to even think about. My parents could have tried to put a reasoning on all of the drinking that was going on, but in reality, I was in college, partying, and having a good time. That does not make it right, but it was not "because" of anything more than that.

I hope she does talk to the person you told her to. I also hope she gets some much needed counseling as it sounds like it would really help her, and you too.

Tight Hugs. We are here with you.
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Old 10-10-2014, 06:43 AM
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Sorry for your pain.....

Perhaps in a way this may be a blessing and save her life. Sometimes these events precipitate a first tough step. Sounds like daughters Aunt may be very helpful.

peace
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Old 10-10-2014, 06:56 AM
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She has been in a world of hurt for her entire life, in spite of the gifts she's blessed with. She is beautiful, brilliant, talented, and loved by many yet has no sense of self worth. She believes in her heart of hearts that her dad hates her. She believes in her heart of hearts that no one cares about her except me and a few others. She is a deeply wounded girl. She drinks with friends and medicates with shopping, but is in denial about harm she's doing to herself. She wants to blame others for the problems that come her way. It's hard to watch. I know that she's not responsible for the actions of those who have hurt her deeply in her young life. But I also know that she's responsible for the decisions she's making to hurt herself. She has seen a counselor a couple of times, but it's been painful and she won't go back.
My kids are younger, but you just perfectly described one of my kids. I agree that the DUI might actually be a good thing for her -- if she can take it the right way.

My daughter had a run-in with the law as well, and while we're still praying and hoping and breathing shallowly when we say it, it seems to have been the wakeup call she needed.

The difference is, with a 21-year-old, you're dealing with an adult, and there's only so much you can do if she doesn't herself see this as "hitting bottom" and a reason to stop and think.

My daughter as well has had a hard time with counseling. The pain is so deep that her counselor just saw this rock wall any time she tried to bring up her childhood. But when she was faced with juvenile detention or counseling, she chose counseling.

I don't know if there's anything you can do to convince your daughter that she is going down the same path as her father unless she deals with her baggage once and for all? I found that my kids were stoic and toughing it out for the longest time because it was what they saw me doing. They never saw me break down and cry hysterically; I protected them from my emotions thinking they needed me strong.

And I'm thinking that wasn't what they needed. They needed to see me having the guts to feel my emotions, to wail my way through them, and to deal with them. I think as codies we are sometimes trying to be "perfect" to make up for our imperfect spouses, and that scares the kids and makes them feel like losers.

I don't know if any of that helped. It sounds like your daughter trusts you. I think I would have to sit down and have a serious talk with her, tell her about your feelings that you're fighting, tell her that you know there's pain in her that she finds hard to deal with, tell her you're afraid of dealing with your pain, too, but that unless you do, you'll both just find unhealthy ways of coping with it.

It might not do a damn thing -- but I think I would feel like I had to do something. Yeah, I know, you can't control other people. But you can share your experiences and hope that they make a difference, right? (((hugs)))
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Old 10-10-2014, 08:41 AM
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Prayers and hugs!!!!

When we know better we do better.

No amount of quilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.

Practice your al-anon principals and steps and keep moving forward.
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Old 10-10-2014, 09:53 AM
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This may be a turning point for her. I know if I had ever gotten a DUI, it would have put a damper on my drinking and driving.

All the issues she is going through are tough, but she will either be better because of them or not. Healing from childhood takes a lot of work, no matter who you are. It's a tough age, 21.

I pray for her clarity and your strength. Hang in, Mom.
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Old 10-10-2014, 12:10 PM
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Healingwillcome....I am sorry if I don't remember these details: Does your daughter live with you? Does she go to school? Where does h er financial support come from--or is she working and self supporting?

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Old 10-10-2014, 05:41 PM
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Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement. I'm just getting home from work. I talked with dd today twice. She currently lives with her dad and rents a room from him. The patrolman gave her a ride home last night. Her dad saw her car this morning where it was abandoned after she was pulled over. He didn't know yet about the DUI, but put two and two together and came home and let her have it. She called me sobbing. All she could say was "he hates me, he hates me." I was in the middle of teaching a class and couldn't talk to her. Later when I talked to her, she had calmed down some. She had reached her aunt who told her that this DUI doesn't define who she is. She gave her encouragement to take this experience head on and make something good of it.

Dandylion, she is currently working and self-supporting. She started college and hated her chosen path of study, struggled with going to class, became depressed after a bad relationship with a narcissistic jock/jackass she met in school, and was drinking with friends to the point of blackout drinking at times. She ended up quitting school and is working now while she decides what she wants to do.

Hopeful, you're right, last night was a night out with friends. Like you say, it could very well have been just a night of young-adult drinking. But my gut tells me she has started to use drinking with her friends as a way to find some social and male acceptance on top of the fun. She's a beautiful, petite little thing who always looks cute when she goes out. She gets hit on by guys and I know it boosts her sense of self-esteem. She's looking for attention in the wrong places. I just don't know if her drinking has reached a point where she should be concerned about dependency. I asked her about that. She said she doesn't think she has a problem. I pray that she doesn't, but in the back of my mind, I know enough about denial to question that. My instincts tell me she hasn't reached that point, but I do think she has turned to shopping for self-medication and I know the potential for alcohol addiction is there. I pray every day that she finds her healing before that point happens.

Lillamy, thank you. DD's situation has been weighing on my mind and heart very heavily for several months now. This DUI will be life-altering for her, but I don't know which path she'll choose...whether she'll seek counseling now, or continue to refuse it and avoid the pain. I don't know if she'll connect the drinking and a DUI to a deeper issue or not. I'm thankful that the phone call I got was about a DUI and not a crash that caused injury or death to herself or someone else. Honest to God, I want to call the trooper and thank him for pulling her over. She told me that he was very good to her...he treated her well and drove her home after she'd been tested and charged at the station. He told her she was the most cooperative DUI he had ever handled. She said she cried and repeatedly told him how sorry she was. She is incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. I pray this will help her to wake up and look hard at the power she has to control her destiny. She has seen herself as the victim up to this point. I just don't know what she'll do. I'm praying for healing.

Single parenting is just so hard. Overwhelming at times. I loathe alcoholism and addiction. I don't talk to anyone about my concerns for my kids because I hate to burden people. Thanks, all of you, for your encouragement.
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Old 10-11-2014, 04:13 PM
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Reading your original post, I found myself thinking that the Alanon slogan 'Let it begin with me' might be useful for you.

It WILL be difficult and crazy-making, processing your daughter's misdemeanours and their consequences - because they're not yours to process, and you are asking the impossible of yourself. She's an adult, she makes her own decisions and maybe, just maybe being involved with the law will be the wake-up call she needs to straighten out her life.

I don't have children, but I know my own mother feels terribly guilty about neglecting us when we were young, and does her best to make amends. Unfortunately, this involves enabling my alcoholic brother (aged 50), and trying to make life 'nice' for him - to the point that she will actually go out and buy his alcohol.

Sometimes, the most useful thing we can do for another person is to let them go. Certainly, one of the most useful things we can do for ourselves is to establish a clear boundary in our own minds, and know what is and isn't ours to deal with. Your daughter's situation is hers to deal with, for example.

Your grief and feelings of being overwhelmed ARE yours to deal with, though, and I really hope you can get all the support you need both here and in your Alanon group.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 10-11-2014, 07:59 PM
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I understand what you're saying, Rosalba. I've been working hard to separate myself from her adult decisions for the last year or so. I've learned enough here and through Al-Anon that I know I need to let her suffer her own consequences. And that I can still assure her that I love her without cleaning up after her.

She came over to visit last night. I shared a lot with her about what I've learned about myself in the last few years. And about alcoholism and addiction and what it means to be the child of an alcoholic. She listened to every word and shared some. I don't know where she'll go from here. I really don't. And that's the hard part. As atalose shared, no amount of anxiety can change the future. I'm really trying to not let her current troubles get to me.

I've learned that the fierce instinct to protect that comes with being a mother is a hard one to relinquish, or adjust as needed as my kids grow. It seems like a blink ago that dd was an innocent newborn whose very life depended on me. It's just hard.

Her aunt told her she'd love to have her come and stay with her for a while. She lives a few states away. I think it would be a great, healthy move for dd, but she doesn't sound interested right now. I'll just keep letting her know I love her while she finds her way. I encouraged counseling again last night, but she clammed up at that. I will keep praying that that changes.

As for me, I know I need to find someone to talk to face to face. I've been holding back tears and putting on a smile for the past two days, but I noticed tonight that I feel a lot of anxiety from stuffing all of this right now. It's not working. I know I need to do something for myself, just not sure when or how to do that right now.
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Old 10-11-2014, 08:29 PM
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Healingwillcome.....it is so hard to have a child with addiction issues...no matter what the age. You can't divorce your child. That is why I think it is so important to have live human support. One can't just stuff your feelings forever....and, most others either can't understand or just get tired of hearing about it.

I know that you have been to alaon in the past. Do you think you could find a group that has several parents of adult children in it? I know that some do.

Tomorrow I will give you the names of a couple of books specifically for mothers of adult children with addiction issues.

You are not alone....there are many of us mothers who understand how you must be feeling.

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Old 10-11-2014, 08:40 PM
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Thank you, dandy.
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Old 10-12-2014, 08:01 AM
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HealingWillCome....Here are the books that I promised: "the lost years"..by kristina wandzilak and Constance curry. The other one is: "Stay Close"...by Libby Cataldi..

These are real like experiences written by actual mothers and they really speak to a mother's heart. They are very inspirational and informative, also.

I recommend these to any mothers who feel overwhelmed, guilty and alone....
They helped me very much.
dandylion

p.s. I got both of them on Amazon very cheaply as "used".
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Old 10-12-2014, 08:17 AM
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Dealing with your child and a DUI

Mom I know how helpless you feel because I have been where you are now. My issues with my daughter are compounded by bad relationships with men. When you are a parent of an adult child, you have a life you have to live and you worry about the life the children are living all while being an adult, you are going to worry yourself sick. I was you and I worried and worried, but then one day I told God that I was going to step back and let the bad happen. It was stressful and overwhelming and I was in fear all the time, but I did it anyway. And my daughter has twin autistic teen girls so you know how bad my situation can be, but I keep moving forward. I don't know what else to say except they will have to learn by life teaching them. It will not be easy to watch and you as a mom will be scared to death but you will make it. As a mom, think back when someone tried to tell us what to do. Think about how defensive we became and how we thought then that we knew everything necessary to survive. I know I remember. There were some things that happen to me back in the day that I thank God right now he pulled me through them but that was then and this is now. And all moms hate to see their daughters go through something even though we knew we were somebody's daughter and somebody tried to talk to us as well. Keep the faith.
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Old 10-12-2014, 06:49 PM
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I just ordered both books, dandylion. Thanks for the recommendations and your support.
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Old 10-18-2014, 09:45 AM
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DD made her court appearance on Thursday. She asked me to go with her and I did, as I already had the day off from work. The judge was straightforward and no nonsense. Hefty fine; community service; standard chemical dependency classes; no alcohol use for 6 months; loss of driver's license for 6 months. Because she was cooperative during her arrest and didn't refuse a breathalyzer, she'll receive a license that allows her to drive to work and other necessary places.

We've had some quality time together the past couple of days. Done a lot of talking. My hope continues to be that this will be a positive turning point for her. Only time will tell. She is so wounded by her relationship with her dad. I see the way it affects everything she does. She compares herself to middle DD who is the golden child in their dad's eyes (it's not an exaggeration--he's made it obvious since they were extremely young). I didn't realize the true extent of her pain over this until the past few days. It's so effing unfair, so unfair. I see how deep her pain is.

So, I know that the only way out for her is to face it and make the long hard journey to accepting the hand she's been dealt. Her happiness is in her hands only. I get that. But to have to sit back and watch her hurt brings out the mother bear in me. Don't get me wrong. I haven't reverted to full codependent mode, but I will say, there is nothing more powerful than motherhood for making me want to crack open that ugly box of useless tools. Motherhood brings a fierce natural protective instinct.

Dandylion, the books you recommended should be here today. Looking forward to reading them.

Lillamy, she told me that she thinks her dad's poor treatment toward her right now is because he sees himself in her. I thought that was strong insight on her part. He has little self worth, he may feel shame in seeing common behaviors in his daughter. He also grew up believing that his dad disapproved of him. It made me think of this comment that you made to me earlier:
I don't know if there's anything you can do to convince your daughter that she is going down the same path as her father unless she deals with her baggage once and for all?
Maybe she will see this as a reason to choose the healthy path? I'm praying so.

I finally broke down and reached out to my sisters and mom. Their support and encouragement has been uplifting. I find it hard anymore to reach out because I know others have their struggles too and I don't want to add more to anyone's burdens. But my family is a gift and I have to learn to not be afraid to ask for support.

DD sat down with me yesterday and allowed me to help her put together a financial plan for paying her fines, chemical dependency class fees, and the cost of her special driver's license. I thought this was a positive step. In total, her DUI will cost her over $1300 and that doesn't include whatever happens to her insurance. I had mentioned before that I think shopping has been her form of self-medication. She is going to have to live on a bare bones budget to pay for this DUI. Shopping will be out of the question for a long, long time. I'm praying she is able to recognize how she has treated shopping in the past.

She still is fighting counseling. The court-ordered classes also require an intake interview and two personal counseling sessions in addition to the regular classroom stuff. Also praying about this--that she is fully honest, transparent, in her personal sessions and that God puts the right counselor with her.

It helps me to put all of this down, sort out my thoughts/emotions here. Keeps my swirling brain at some level of peace. Like I said, mothering knocks hard at my codependency door, but I'm hanging in there, and trying to do the best I can with what I've learned.
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Old 10-18-2014, 09:55 AM
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Healing, thanks for sharing this situation. It will be here for future parents facing how to react and not over-react. You sound present and graceful. E-hugs momma bear!
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Old 10-18-2014, 12:21 PM
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Thank you, CodeJob. That was uplifting. I needed that!
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