a foot in both worlds
What is the point of going to an AA meeting, if I just come home and drink anyway?
Its like all I can bring myself to do is "think" about recovery... I mean, I take some action. For example I went threw IOP, did not quit drinking during that, but I did become more open minded about going to AA meetings. And now that IOP is over, I still try to make meetings, but my drinking habits don't change. I am willing to read all about AA literature.. but I don't give up my nightly drinking.
Its like I want to be in two worlds at the same time. I want to continue to drink, and I want to be in recovery too. Or I am not sure I want to be in recovery and I am not sure I can admit powerless over alcohol and Im not sure I want to live a sober lifetime.
I have seen a similar pattern, of wanting to have one foot in the door and one foot out the door at the same time, in my dating life. When a relationship I am in is basically over and we have broken up, I tend to want to stay friends and sometimes a little more, like a friend with benefits. And even once it is completely over and we aren't acting like friends with benefits or even hanging out, I have a hard time moving on. And when I do move on and get involved with someone new, I cant fully be emotionally available to that person because I still miss my ex, even if I don't want to be with them anymore.
Something about my dating patterns remind me of how Im acting about getting sober.
I just cant decide which way I want to go and make a commitment.