Another update instead of starting a new thread. Day 16 here and I am feeling pretty decent. I am still suffering some site effects of the medication (in general I am very sensitive to medications). I am tired and just feel kind of coated in paint, some thin layer of nothing important between me and the fresh air, freedom of movement, lightness, overall well being and feeling real. It is irritating, but I have thought about it a lot and decided that for the time being the benefits of ensuring I stay sober outweigh the drawbacks.
I won't go as far as to say my cravings have disappeared but I find myself obsessing over wine/alcohol a good deal less. The first days it was nearly a 24 hour loop, now the thoughts are there, but pass me by. I am slowly getting stronger when it comes to my cravings. Initially and in the past I had become really bratty about the whole thing. Now I don't dwell as much.
I can't remember the circumstances of why this came up, but yesterday I found something helpful. There are times when I think about drinking and I often think of drinking in a restaurant at a dinner, or at a party, or at an event in the evening. Following these events is a night in bed, therefore time to recover. It is not nice to be drunk like that, for a number of reasons, but in my mind I think I had rationalized it to "ah, well, it's dinner, everyone is drinking, it happens to the best of us, if I got too drunk I could just sneak out and go to bed" But yesterday I was thinking forward to Christmas when I will be visiting the US. I was thinking of my friend, whose parents live in the same town as my mother, and her offer to come by and visit one day during the holidays. I imagined her coming by one afternoon and us having a glass of wine. I really thought about it a lot. I thought about how "normal" people can enjoy one glass of wine and then stop and go on about their day. I thought about how for me the one glass leads to a world of misery, opening up the absolute obsession and insatiable desire for more more more. I thought about how just one glass of wine would lead to all this hysteria and turmoil inside of me, followed by drinking until complete drunkness, thus wasting an entire day- not to mention the embarrassment, the worry of my family, the guilt, shame, etc. etc.
I then thought about a Facebook post I saw this week, a couple posted a photo of them on vacation "afternoon break!" where they stopped for a beer and a snack. For them it was totally possible to stop for one, cool beer on a hot day. Me, I would ruin on entire day of vacation by ordering more and more and more and deciding that staying in the bar was much more important than any sightseeing.
So, I'll be adding this to my tool box. If I feel like obsessing over alcohol I will focus on daytime drinking, as it is there that I can see my problem the clearest. Something about my nighttime drinking seems more normalized (a lot of people get "tipsy", right…. sometimes we all over do it, right?….) Nothing about my daytime drinking is ok.
Ok, good morning, good day… off to tackle day 16 here. It's pouring. What a shame I can't stay in bed all day long!