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Old 10-13-2014, 09:30 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Wonderful update, Meraviglioso!!! Great to have such strong support in your corner.
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Old 10-13-2014, 09:46 AM
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M -

What if there were a horrible disease, so horrible that it engendered social stigma, caused physical suffering, required life-long treatment, and its recovery required that you no longer be able to have relationships with many of the people you care about...

And, what if this horrible disease expressed itself with diverse symptoms at different stages of its impact, so that people who had this disease could recognize it at varying points in its manifestation...

And what if diagnosis of this disease, at its earlier stages, had no real definitive test but was instead a subjective experience of the carrier...

And what if the symptoms of this disease came and went, seemingly randomly, interspersed with periods which felt relatively healthy and not frightening...

And what if other people around you disagreed with you that you had this disease, sometimes actually arguing with you to convince you that you didn't...

And what if there was no medical establishment or doctor who would really be overseeing your treatment, it was just something that you would have to follow through by yourself forever...

And what if we lived in a world in which - all around you - were manifestations of people ingesting the very liquid that your disease rendered toxic for you - in films, in ads, in real life...

Um, would a really big part of you desperately wish that you didn't have this disease, and wouldn't you spend an awful amount of energy trying to convince yourself that you didn't?
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Old 10-13-2014, 09:48 AM
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Yes, it feels really good and reassuring. I have also had a great day in other areas as well. It was a super day for work, very productive. I also got a lot of other things in order. I know I would not be finding such success if I were drinking. I was due a day like this, that's for sure... I'll take it!
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Old 10-13-2014, 09:51 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by heartcore View Post
M -

What if there were a horrible disease, so horrible that it engendered social stigma, caused physical suffering, required life-long treatment, and its recovery required that you no longer be able to have relationships with many of the people you care about...

And, what if this horrible disease expressed itself with diverse symptoms at different stages of its impact, so that people who had this disease could recognize it at varying points in its manifestation...

And what if diagnosis of this disease, at its earlier stages, had no real definitive test but was instead a subjective experience of the carrier...

And what if the symptoms of this disease came and went, seemingly randomly, interspersed with periods which felt relatively healthy and not frightening...

And what if other people around you disagreed with you that you had this disease, sometimes actually arguing with you to convince you that you didn't...

And what if there was no medical establishment or doctor who would really be overseeing your treatment, it was just something that you would have to follow through by yourself forever...

And what if we lived in a world in which - all around you - were manifestations of people ingesting the very liquid that your disease rendered toxic for you - in films, in ads, in real life...

Um, would a really big part of you desperately wish that you didn't have this disease, and wouldn't you spend an awful amount of energy trying to convince yourself that you didn't?
wow, that is powerful. Yes, I guess you are right, I would spend a lot of energy trying to find any other explanation for this behavior other than such a nasty disease.

thanks.

x
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:06 AM
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Drinking thoughts:

1) Alcohol is a toxic substance (ethanol) and goes into fuel mixtures and industrial solvents 2) When consumed it kills brains cells and attacks internal organs (liver, kidney, heart, nerves) 3) Its expensive and leads to expensive behavior(s) 4) It leads to reckless behavior, accidents, and users are known to hurt others 5) Driving while using alcohol is illegal and the penalties are severe including long term prison sentences 6) Alcohol abuse leads to job loss, family and friends loss 7) Long term abuse and usage leads to death.

Death by alcohol is lonely, painful, and being an alcoholic is a very deary depressive way to live. I speak the truth. I speak from personal experience.
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Old 10-13-2014, 01:31 PM
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Have you been researching other healthier ways to deal with stressful situations Mera?

D
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Old 10-13-2014, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Have you been researching other healthier ways to deal with stressful situations Mera?

D
No, but good point, I need to. I have found I quite like herbal tea as a way to relax. It provides that moment of "liquid relaxation" as a healthy alternative to alcohol. But I think I need to get further to the root of the problem (I am a highly stressed and anxious person) rather than depend on a band aid fix (alcohol, tea, etc) when the stress levels have already gone too far up. Obviously tea is a good alternative for now, but if I can find ways to prevent the stress from escalating, or prevent myself from over-reacting in the first place I'll be golden.
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Old 10-13-2014, 02:59 PM
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It sounds like you are doing well, especially after talking to that doc: he really said some wise things.
I can totally relate to the conflicting emotions and the dilemma we encounter when on an antabuse cure. I used an antabuse cure in conjunction with outpatient therapy for close to 3 years. On and off. I went off the program feeling strong and was drinking again within 5 weeks. Back again, off again. Well, you get the picture.

Despite the frequent relapsing though, I still feel that I benefited from antabuse because I think in my case it kept me off the booze long enough to stop experiencing the cravings.
Like training wheels? Probably. I think we all recover rather differently because we are all a little different. some people walk away from their last drink and never go back. Some don't. But, despite my early waverings, Ive reached a place of really solid sobriety and never see alcohol as a solution for anything anymore.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:36 PM
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Another update instead of starting a new thread. Day 16 here and I am feeling pretty decent. I am still suffering some site effects of the medication (in general I am very sensitive to medications). I am tired and just feel kind of coated in paint, some thin layer of nothing important between me and the fresh air, freedom of movement, lightness, overall well being and feeling real. It is irritating, but I have thought about it a lot and decided that for the time being the benefits of ensuring I stay sober outweigh the drawbacks.
I won't go as far as to say my cravings have disappeared but I find myself obsessing over wine/alcohol a good deal less. The first days it was nearly a 24 hour loop, now the thoughts are there, but pass me by. I am slowly getting stronger when it comes to my cravings. Initially and in the past I had become really bratty about the whole thing. Now I don't dwell as much.
I can't remember the circumstances of why this came up, but yesterday I found something helpful. There are times when I think about drinking and I often think of drinking in a restaurant at a dinner, or at a party, or at an event in the evening. Following these events is a night in bed, therefore time to recover. It is not nice to be drunk like that, for a number of reasons, but in my mind I think I had rationalized it to "ah, well, it's dinner, everyone is drinking, it happens to the best of us, if I got too drunk I could just sneak out and go to bed" But yesterday I was thinking forward to Christmas when I will be visiting the US. I was thinking of my friend, whose parents live in the same town as my mother, and her offer to come by and visit one day during the holidays. I imagined her coming by one afternoon and us having a glass of wine. I really thought about it a lot. I thought about how "normal" people can enjoy one glass of wine and then stop and go on about their day. I thought about how for me the one glass leads to a world of misery, opening up the absolute obsession and insatiable desire for more more more. I thought about how just one glass of wine would lead to all this hysteria and turmoil inside of me, followed by drinking until complete drunkness, thus wasting an entire day- not to mention the embarrassment, the worry of my family, the guilt, shame, etc. etc.

I then thought about a Facebook post I saw this week, a couple posted a photo of them on vacation "afternoon break!" where they stopped for a beer and a snack. For them it was totally possible to stop for one, cool beer on a hot day. Me, I would ruin on entire day of vacation by ordering more and more and more and deciding that staying in the bar was much more important than any sightseeing.

So, I'll be adding this to my tool box. If I feel like obsessing over alcohol I will focus on daytime drinking, as it is there that I can see my problem the clearest. Something about my nighttime drinking seems more normalized (a lot of people get "tipsy", right…. sometimes we all over do it, right?….) Nothing about my daytime drinking is ok.

Ok, good morning, good day… off to tackle day 16 here. It's pouring. What a shame I can't stay in bed all day long!
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