Confession
I have a confession to make. I was bordering on an emotional affair recently with someone (he's been single for 6 years). When AH and I decided to split(we decided that spring would be best because I can then finish homeschooling for my son's sophomore year before deciding what I'm going to do for the last 2 years of high school), I felt very free despite the fact that we are still married, duh!
Anyway, this is the guy whom I went overboard about back in the spring where I saw the white picket fences in my dreams, LOL. Well, to detach from this man and to focus on my recovery and my relationship with God, I actually deactivated my FB account for a few months so that I could refocus and get back on track mentally and spiritually.
He lives in another state and is friends with my sister. I had to go back to CO last week because my grandmother (who's from FL) was arranging a short family reunion and I was requested to come. My son and I flew up and my sister realized she couldn't pick us up at the airport. So, who does she ask to pick us up? Yep, HIM. And, then my mom asked him to come to our family dinner on Tuesday night and he accepted. UGH! So, I saw this man twice last week after trying to cut ties and take a break from us communicating.
Anyway, we started chatting again and I felt that 'pull'. He was playing with my nephew on the couch and tickling him and I couldn't help but smile and he turned and saw me and smiled back. Y'all know that 'look'?
So, on Friday, he sent me a message. He told me that God was calling him to step back from speaking to me because he didn't want to take the place of my husband. He encouraged me to turn to my husband, to fill my loneliness (if that was an issue) by reaching out to my AH, etc. This man does not know much about my marriage except that my AH struggles with alcohol and that we're having problems. He does not know the extent of things nor did he know that I'm meeting with a new lawyer this very week. He told me he wants what's best for me and for me to be happy but that he doesn't want to be in a place that is NOT in God's will ever again.
We went back and forth and I admitted that he was totally right and that we definitely needed to break off anything before it became a problem. I confessed that I have a long way to go and he told me he'd pray for me and that he wants me to be brave and courageous as I move forward in my life.
It was one of the most honest and open conversations I've ever had in my life. 2 adults being responsible and accountable who are trying as hard as they can to be in God's will. I asked him if any lines were crossed and asked him to forgive me if they were. He said not at all, things never went that far. He just saw the warning signs and I knew he was just helping us to stay on a path that honors God and each other.
Wow! Just wow, that was a huge eye opener to me! To see that there are honorable men out there and that I was capable of maturity and honesty like that. It hurt like heck but it was a HUGE step for me in my relationship with God. I was so grateful to him and to God for showing me that healthy communication does exist and that I am able to participate in it.
I have to be honest, it hurts to not reach out to him. Yet, I believe it's motivation for me to really help me see what it is I want in the future, no matter who comes into my life someday (even when it applies to friendships, too). I have had a glimpse of what a spiritually healthy person looks like and I have seen it in myself, as well. So very grateful for the pain and the lesson here because I am getting closer to taking the next step in my divorce proceedings. I'm not sure I can wait until the spring. AH and I barely speak now. Walking on eggshells stinks and I'm just plain tired of living in dysfunction. Life is good, God is good, and I know it's time to move on!