Thank you everyone for you caring words and support. I am overwhelmed by the responses. It took me a while to get through them without crying. The 3 C's are very helpful...I've been repeating it to myself all day. I really love the article too.
Part of me wants to be in denial - to go back to not knowing. To go back to ignoring all the signs, to have him message me how my day is going, what I am doing and tell me he cares even though I know that the words are empty, that he would never make the time for me. That although there would be some days that were better than others..the relationship would never be going anywhere.
If he had told me he wanted me to help him I probably would have tried. And I know that that would have pulled me into a dark hole. So in a way I am glad he is giving up on me and found someone else.
The last 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions.
From feelings of failure...to feelings of relief.... I wonder why what we had and our dreams together werent enough to say no " to the cool thing to do at parties", to realize that while it was a temporary fix that it would pull him the black hole and ruin what we had. And at the same time I feel relieved...there was no way I could ever be enough. There is no way that I could ever compete ...and it was never about me.
I feel so much pain that it is unlikely he will recover anytime soon, if ever, and that there is nothing I can do to help. I remain hopeful, but even the hope makes it hard to keep away and resist the temptation to message him.
What I really want to say is thank you - for making me feel so much less alone.